Well I never thought I’d see today honestly. I wish I didn’t have to. Actually I didn’t have to, so I don’t know what the hell I’m complaining for. Every day I think about ending it, and every day I don’t do it; just wish and hope that I could die.
As I take a deep breath and everybody says “Make a wish” , I think about how ignorant they really are. They would regret saying “I hope your wish comes true!”. Wishes don’t come true anyway, well not for people like me at least.
So why then, why not just get it over with? The one and only thing holding me back is the fear of not succeeding and the repercussions that come after a failed attempt. I should be worried about hurting my family or people that claim to actually care about me, but I’m not because I’m selfish that way.
Nothing in this world affects me like it used to, like it should. I don’t care anymore.. and I want to leave this world because I’ve fallen into the hole within myself and I’m terrified to see how far down it goes. I’m terrified of the person I see myself becoming, and I don’t wanna go there..
A shame it couldn’t be on a Saturday or something. Maybe I’ll pretend like it’s Saturday night anyway. Cheers. Happy Fucking Birthday to me.
3 comments
Happy Birthday to you!
think of the person you would like to be, if only, just for today.
You are only fifteen? Holy moley, you sound much too smart to be fifteen. I would say happy birthday, but that would feel like rubbing salt in your wounds. But for what it’s worth, I’m incredibly proud of you for enduring this hell for so long. Not everyone can, and not everyone does.
Anyway, I hope you don’t attempt tonight. I wouldn’t want you to fail, and end up in a terrible situation. Like being locked in, or permanently disabled.
Well thank you for that ha. I’m glad you think I sound smart. And I wanted to, I always want to, but a failed attempt is too scary. The world stops and looks at you lying there with your wounds bandaged or stomach pumped, and says “okay, you have my attention”. Most people don’t know what to do with that moment if they get it. Which makes it definitely not worth the cost of getting there. In my opinion.