BlueDiamond

I notice that a lot of people on this web-site kinda wants the human population to decrease. I am one of those people that support this because the human race would benefit from this such as a higher quantity of life for the humans who are alive, the earth would be in better shape, and there would be an increase in other species. Personally as an American, I’m torn between wanting kids. The animal side of me wants to pass my genes down, I’m scare of facing regret with my eggs dry out, and it was my dream to have kids, however I am so […]

I shouldn’t have been born. Everything around me is breaking apart. My computer is getting fixed and my car doesn’t start without ramping it. I’m dirt poor, live off disability, and even that I only get a small dab of money, since I didn’t put much into the government system. Now I just need food stamps. I can’t hold a fucking a job because managers don’t like me. I’m fat, but I rather be unattractive and worthless then attractive and worthless. Don’t want to be a sex object, and being fat probably makes me unattractive. People who disagree, I tend to think are lying. I […]

I don’t proof read my posts.

I talked to my mom today about the things she did to me as a child. I first time I comforted her about her overprotected nature and why I am like this. She told that there was something wrong with me since before I was born, as a baby I wasn’t crying. She got defensive saying I won’t do another thing for me because she doesn’t want to be a helicopter mom. This time, I calmly told her “You never did anything wrong.”, then I pointed out her mistakes such as being hyper vigilance about everything. This lowers a child’s self-esteem. How she wanted me […]

I know I have been told here on this web-site multiple times that I am smart, but if you meet me in person, you will change your mind. I’m fine because I can make good grades. How do I even do well in school? I once was asked by my old guy friend in anger because I said something he didn’t like. How did Helen Keller learn to speak, if she was deaf and blind, even went on to receive a bachelor’s degree? I didn’t said that him just explained how people with disabilities find other ways around a problem, but I missed the point. […]

it hurts.

Does it piss you off, when people say that young people are depressed because it makes you edgy?

Or that they reason we’re still depressed is because we love our smartphones so much?

I think I know why I’m feel attached and attracted to cartoon characters, yet feel so detached to real life people. This behavior harms me because I feel so lonely all the time, yet when I’m around people I feel overwhelmed or in fear around them. I had this attraction to 2-D drawings since I was a kid. As a kid, it’s normal to be attached to your parents. Since my dad was an asshole, me and my brother hated him, saw him as the bad guy, so maybe I to look for a male role model elsewhere. Since I didn’t have another male role […]

When I was new to this site, I post an angry post called I support MGTOW. I am passive aggressive about the group, but maybe guys are starting to be shoved into the background and are being denied their feelings because they realize that their feelings don’t matter, they drop from society. MGTOW may not be a hate group for women, but I maybe I can’t blame the ones for their resentment. Maybe they did have a bad female influence in their life, and because they’re men no one trusts them, so they find this support group that helps them heal, find others just like […]

(I went on a date last Sunday. I like him. He’s a nice guy and I feel comfortable around him. He has autism like me. I hope this relationship thing works out, though I don’t understand this rules of dating, but I’ll try.)

I just realized that I don’t know anything about men. It’s like I have a handicap, and I think it all started with my dad. He would pretty much tell me that men just wanted sex: “They want a beer and see something naked.” That may be true for some, but then I realized how did this society get created, or the great […]

There’s so much wrong with my brain. I know or think that I am smart, but yet look at me, I been approved for disability, can’t hold a job, and still live with my parents. but I might move into a group home. I can attend college, make As, yet I fail at the most simplest things like keeping a low paying job. I’ve been diagnosed with autism, some ADD, psychosis, and major depressive disorder.

Now I’m been told or refer to from previous notes that I have a schizoid personality disorder, which psychosis comes in to play. At first, I was like I don’t have […]

Here I thought I was the problem, but I am part of a problem.

Today, I have been approved for Social Security and SSI. I’m not proud of it, but I’m happy because it is a stepping stone to an independent life. I was recommended Gateway homes which teaches independent living for the mentally ill. One day, I will be well enough to get off disability, while maintaining an independent life.

I’ve signed up for classes for school in the fall, and want to do college that way I intended. I now pray to God everyday. Asking for freedom and how to truly love people. Ahem

I going to get an injection once a month for my depression, while also taking pills. Never knew that they gave injections for depression. I’m starting to make goals for myself. I really want to do something with my life. I’ll try to go to school in the fall, and hopefully don’t collapse. Slowly putting my life back together.

I’m learning empathy. Someone on here was right, I am unemphatic. I’m sorry all the people I’ve hurt without knowing it. I’m also am learning boundaries. I’m going to go out more, and try to make real friends. Enter a socialization program later. I want to […]