To hide the pain, the feelings, the urge to slice at my own skin.

I sit there in the cafeteria

He sits on the floor he’s talking i cant hear him, my visions bluring black around the edges

I’m brought back because of an intense pain from my hand, my ex boyfriend yet again had bit me, i know he just flirting… that he’s only using me..

I smile laughing telling him it doesnt hurt, he doesnt realise he saved me from another embaressing seizure, he smiles biting my harder i ignore it typing on the computer with my left hand as i try to complete a school project. He lets go and we sit their for a while. I feel him bite again

“Stop that” i say  pushing his head away he bites hard shaking his head back in forth, the pain fills me like a high. He bites me again after i yank my arm out of his mouth. “thats so gross!! ” i yell “ i hate the taste of fabric in my mouth !!”

He laughs “you know you like it” he smiles devilishly.

“i do not” but he knows im lieing he can see it in my eyes the craving of the pain, my heart pounding in my chest, it like the past before i found out he only wanted me for sex.

“wanna bet?” ” I dont!” i say he smiles going back to messing with his phone bout five minutes later he bites my leg not a soft bite either i mean hard, he knows i like this, i press my forhead onto the table trying to hide my face, no one could see me like this, o he knows how i crave this. He doesnt let go for a solid minute, trust me i counted the seconds. He lets go “damn u ” i say punching him, he stands up laughing  and walks off for a while. I sigh and look at my friends i hate it when he does that.. he knows my boyfriends looking at me like the fuck? not like were really dating he asked me out but we’ve never been really more then friends i know its bad, i told him i dont feel like that yet for him, he asked to give me chance i agreed.

I feel tanners hands behind me.. how much had he heard. ” umm .. how much of that did u hear” i ask shaking, glad i didnt finish the last part of my sentence.. he didnt know his best friend told me yet. That all he wanted from me was sex.. that why he broke up with me.. when i didnt put out..  I get not response my head is yanked up hair in my eyes his tounge on my neck he bites hard. I bite my lip, i wish he’d never let go, just keep biting me, never let me go. I just want him to touch me. He doesnt know how much better that makes me feel.

The bell rings, i sigh standing up. I’m sure you could see the dissapointment on my face i walk to class , algerbra to be excact. i rub the bites pushing on them but i was craving now.. i need to pierce the skin, my adrenlines pumping, the blood is rushing threw my veins i try to focus but i cant. As soon as i can i walk up to the teachers desk grabbing scissors. I think one kid shall me but he didnt say anything. I then ask to go to the bathroom.

I walk there quickly a girl standing in the bathroom doing her hair in the mirror i smile standing next to her, “your hair looks pretty” i smile my best smile, how i wish she would just leave. But i know shes far from getting her self “perfect” i could walk to the other bathroom but that means walking back past my class.. and i wont be able to make it. I bite my lip walking into the bathroom sitting on the toliet taking off my jacket, rolling up my short sleeves, i love my shirts their big on me but hide the cuts.

They lay their with scars , my lastest cuts lay on my hips, i smile as i find the sharpest part of the scissors… sad to say they’re dull but it doesnt stop me from drawing blood, i push forcefully and rip the skin open, i lift my head up smiling blood slowly trickling down my arm. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Im so glad i wore a black shirt. Again. Again. Again. How long have i been here.. Again. Has that girl left. Again.

i hear two more girls walk in i swear their looking for me, i almost drop the scissors but catch them in time, i dont know them though im okay i look at the phone. Almost 10 minutes i bite my lip making the final cut. It stings lingering, i hope it will be able to last , i don’t have enought time to supress all the urges just enought to have them subside. I push toliet paper agaist my arm. Pulling my sleeves down slidding on my jacket. Hit my arm wince a bit. Again. Bite my lip but keep a straight face. No one can tell it hurts. I smile sticking the scissors in my pocket, i forgot to wash my hands but i didnt use the restroom.. so it doesnt matter, but the other girls stare at me.. oh yeah lol they dont know i was really opening my skin up .

I walk down the hall faces i know stare at me i look down, I dont wanna talk to anyone.. i might break and tell someone. No not again, i know if some ones ask’s i’ll come clean. I try to lie but if you ask if i cut ill tell you.. the only real help is if they ask if i cut my wrist again or legs. I can say nope .. i dont cut there as much anymore. I found better hiding places.

I walk into class the boy is staring at me, he knows i walked out of class with those scissors, he doesnt know does it.. what i did. No i bit my lip walk to my seat he says nothing i sigh shoving the scissors in my bag, i could just go place them back up there.. could i?

Bell rings i walk to english, tanner didnt even see him stops me running his fingers through my hair . Dont stop i think .. just keep touching me.. hold me.. never let me.. go.. love.. me.. please but he smiles and stops messing up with my hair.

“I hate you” i laugh as i try to fix my hair, ” no you dont ” he smiles grabbing my hand he bit puting pressure i breath deep

“o thank you for the bruises ” i try to glare at him as angerly as i could, “im sorry ” he smiles “well i gotta go i say running off .. i felt like i might have tried to kiss him again if i stayed there any longer.

I squeeze the cuts as i walk down the hallways i feel the wet stickiness of blood soak through the jacket, “fuck” i whisper under my breath as i walk up the stairs wiping my hands on my pants. Please no one notice, no one, i say as i walk into class. Being careful not to bump anything with my left shoulder, cant be caught more. Everyone thinks i stopped a year ago.. i cant dissapoint them, my dad knows i broke a few times.. but not this bad, he’s only found out twice  i’ve cut since then and i plan to keep it that way. I sit down smiling my biggest smile talking to my friend laughing like a crazy girl. To hide the pain , to hide the feelings, to hide the urge to slice my own skin.

sorry if this is stupid and you dont wanna read it, i probally wouldnt either 😛