Casino96

So I honestly think she’s gay, which means this will mean nothing anyway; that’s why I’m even posting, to be honest

theres a girl at my supermarket job that’s I think is kinda cute. She has a short haircut and a tattoo on her arm that makes me think she at bare minimum understands people with depressive illnesses, and she’s very shy. She’s also learning how to play guitar, and is be willing to teach her if I thought I were any good at teaching. I don’t know what type of music she likes and I listen to pretty “out there” stuff; again, I think she […]

Today I picked a fight with my dad over the phone because I couldn’t face my own mistakes.

A friend of mine told me that a girl I knew flew to Chicago to meet a boy who she “loves”, and who “loves” her back, despite them being too young, and one of them too damaged, to understand they’re wrong.

maybe I’m a cynic who’s jealous of a couple kids. Maybe I have no room to talk since I ruin relationships for no reason and have spent my life up to now alone. Maybe I should fucking kill myself.

lol

This is it

no condescension, no insight, no bullshit, no connection

And I can’t figure out how to stop being one.

I worked today. I had a lunch break today. I checked my phone on my lunch break today. That’s how I learned my parents decided to put the family dog down while I was gone. Without telling me until they did it. A Facebook picture and a text. And our pet of 14 years is gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye, and I was his favorite out of the four of us. What the fuck. Why couldn’t you at least set a fucking date, maybe two days in advance. I wouldn’t even have to be there. I would have just liked to know […]

I die every single night and wake up worse

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fKZRcIGnaqE

what if everything stays the same even though I’m somewhere else? What if i can’t break this cycle? I know what I have to do, and it’s so easy, but god I’m so tired. Every night I’m so tired and sleep isn’t rest. If I bring this wherever I go I don’t know if I have it in me to kill it. I just can’t keep doing this. I say this every night but the sun comes up again. I say this now but the sun it’s up in five hours. And then I go to work and push this to the back of my […]

i know it’s temporary, so there’s no reason to act drastically or anything, but every night the pain gets a little bit worse, and the tension gets higher. And I know that cutting helps. I remember the pain, I remember the emotion, but I’m not going back. I just try to lie still until my own head tires itself out. I feel nothing, and I feel fucking everything at once and nothing helps. I’ve got a month and two weeks until I can get my prescription back on track, maybe, and I’m imploding right now in the present. And it’s not going to […]

(Yeah it’s cheesy but it’s also really catchy and almost related to the topic, so hey)

kinda piggy backing off of my babbling from last night, I’m curious to know what people feel are the causes of their own loneliness. Is it them? Is it society? Biology? None of these things? Or just not sure? For example when it comes to myself I’m fully aware that I’m causing this, mostly by not trusting people, being distant and closed, and very likely having unrealistic standards. I’m pretty cynical and nihilistic, but I’m absolutely aware that I’m in control of my own status, and any shortcomings I’m experiencing […]

I’m not an incel, to be totally clear, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what separates me from them, and what separates me from those of you on here who are in relationships, some long standing for a decade, possibly more, and are far closer to achieving what I considered to be at least a veneer of happiness, than I’ve ever been. But we’re all here. In the same place. No matter how bad or how mundane everything is for each of us, somehow we’re all here, willing to say we want to die, but hesitant enough to keep from squeezing the […]

it’s hard for me to get over being a product of such high demand where I am because it sounds pretentious and braggy, but it’s the truth and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve been in a state of near constant anxiety for a few days now just because I can’t say no to people. I’m totally aware I’ve been draining myself empty for projects that aren’t even my own, and that it’s been feeding into this awful nothingness I live through, but I can’t compromise the part of me that doesn’t want to make anyone unhappy. I’ve been dodging phone calls and texts, procrastinating plans […]

The whole world writes love songs and I can’t fall in love. I’m an outsider and the moment I get that through my massive fucking skull I can finally stop playing this stupid game. squares don’t fit in circle holes so why am I still forcing it? I’m too stupid to know when to stop, so I guess when the tank hits E I’ll know. Until then I’ll just turn my guitar up real loud and scream. It’s kept my heart beating for at least five years now, it can run the machine a bit longer.

some day I won’t have to spout bullshit […]

it’s really dumb and I already know the answer, but could you guys please exolain to me that a stupid sample size of a salad at work isn’t going to make me fat, even if I did eat breakfast? There’s even new stock I have to sample that I haven’t touched for this stupid damn reason.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before years ago or something, but I’ve often thought about how lucky I am to be alive, whether I like it sometimes or not. In high school, no hyperbole, the only reason I didn’t kill my self, and I had a (pretty garbage) plan, was because the one thing in life that made me feel anything by that time was playing guitar and music. Maybe four years before I committed to taking my own life, which I’m reserved to being what kills me if someone or something  doesn’t beat me to it, I found a guitar in my […]

If I didn’t have work at 11 tomorrow I’d be drinking the whole bottle of fireball tonight lol

I wish I wasn’t so alone.

https://youtu.be/jVPjcfGqs8Q

i voluntarily ate a bowl of cereal about an hour or so ago. I guess we’re off to a good start today.

https://youtu.be/Sk3nVvqISlc

i feel like I’m moving in a cycle. Most of the time I can’t feel anything; if I can feel my emotions at all it’s like listening to a concert through the brick wall outside; superficial and barebones, with no distinction or detail. Just noise in different pitches. That’s how I spend most of my time in this cycle, but for a seemingly random amount of time I do get to feel genuine emotion. It’s just sadness and emptiness but that’s what I’ve got left I guess. At least right now.

Turns out I have I a lot of songs I think are worth sharing to the aforementioned void; if you’re not tired of me yet here’s another sunny day song off the same album as the last one.

hows everyone doing? I don’t have time to go into what happened last night in detail (I have to leave for work like now) but a lot of heavy stuff happened online for me and it’s not helping this slow relapse I seem to be slipping into. I guess I just need someone to talk to because I literally can’t process what went down right now.

anyway, […]