Because no matter how hard I try it’s never enough. I’m tired of hurting….I’m just trying to figure out the best way to go and the right time. I would hit myself but it’s too many people around.
I still have urges of death…..just wanting to end my miserable existence. But I continue on.
I caught chlamydia for the 3rd time….awesome right.
I am in a relationship with a guy who, well don’t give a fuck. Lies so much it’s just not even worth caring about anymore.
My mother still thinks I’m worthless. I’m still jobless. BUT I did leave home and have been staying with my older cousin in a one bedroom apt with about 10 other people.
I’m living the life.
I have to write other wise I will take it out on myself.
I missed a interview this morning because i couldn’t wake up, I had to wake up at 4:30am to get to a 9am interview.
I think I shouldn’t try for his job because it’s so far and it’s on 8.00/hr for 10-15 a week, that’s just bus money and lunch.
Better than nothing though. It’s a 2-3 hr bus ride just to get there.
I just feel like a lazy bum cause I couldn’t get it over with.
I don’t even want to go but if i don’t I’ll feel like a dumb ass.
I’m not going to […]
Well she isn’t really evil just confused and naive.
I call her Mad Hatter cause she won’t tell me her name.
I think she need’s a friend (some good counseling really, shhh don’t tell her I told you that) , someone to talk to about why she makes the decisions she makes. I’m afraid for her because it’s a continuous cycle of bad judgement that leads to worse and worse circumstances. She’s very impulsive, especially when she gets emotional.
What makes this so bad is that she lives inside of me and if she gets into trouble we both will be in some trouble.
One day she will learn […]
I hate who I am. What I have become. I see nothing worth saving.
I am lazy. I am a whore. I am not worthy.
I don’t need anyone telling me that I am because If I don’t believe then those words are just a waste of energy.
If I could overdose without risking it not working I would. I’m so tired.
I tried to become a better person. To stop the things that make me hate myself so much.
I talked about this before but it’s starting to become a big problem again.
Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I’m so disgusted with myself and the situation.
I just made it to partner 32, yay for the whore!
I was doing so well, three months. No sex. I was so proud of myself. But then they came back. And because I’ve been avoiding instead of dealing with the problem directly I crumbled.
I did say no, I did move his hand when he tried to touch me. I tried […]
I try not to put myself down so much or so badly. But it doesn’t work. I am just so frustrated.
I am my worst enemy and need to get rid of myself, for my own sake.
Kind of wish I could catch aids or have cancer that way when I end me then I don’t have to try and explain why, it would be more like, “oh, she had aids. That’s why she killed herself”
I’ve been doing pretty good lately, actually haven’t been on this website in like 2 weeks or so, not that there is anything wrong but just means i haven’t been having bad thoughts.
But I find myself in a pickle right now.
I fucked up, big time. Well big time in my eyes.
1. I’m in school and I might get kicked out of my classes. I hope I don’t cause that’s just would have been a fucking waste of my time and energy and I will fucking drop out of school.
2. In the past 3 weeks I have had unprotected sex with three guys. And I’m afraid […]
What random rambling shall be sewn together today in this post.
I’m moving forward a bit, trying my best to push dark thoughts from my mind. The nice retreat to a rented house on the beach helped too :). Realize I need to get away from home. As soon as I got back then my uberly happy mood went BLAH! It’s disappointing how people are not aware of how their actions effect others. Don’t think they really care.
I also realize that I have no real goals. Nothing particular to strive for. Right now I’m just going. Just chugging along til I run out of train track. […]
I don’t know if we are allowed to do this but does anyone use skype or oovoo? If anyone wants to video chat I’m totally cool with it. I’m nice so don’t got to worry about me picking on you 🙂
My mood lately has been up and down. But I came to a breakthrough. I don’t want to kill myself anymore (unless I’m feeling real down then the thoughts come back) but overall I don’t. I realize I’m going to die one day anyways so I’ll deal with all the crap til I do. Cause 80 years really isn’t that long (if i’m that lucky).
I still feel like shit, try not to think about what a failure I am but it’s very apparent in my life so not thinking about it or being aware is hard to do.
Momz is irritating once again trying to intervene […]
So I forgot to close out this website before letting my mom borrow my computer. I don’t want to talk to her about it. Why? Because there is no communicating with her. I’ve tried before. -chuckles- You know what she said? “If you do it don’t do it here”. Like that is going to make me open up to her. I wont say I HATE my mother, cause I don’t except when I’m mad lol but I do dislike her ALOT. I just don’t understand why people are so blind. I’m not perfect. There I said it. But I am trying to work on myself […]
I’m a roller coaster that won’t let me off. Sometimes I’m at the top of the world other days the world is smothering me. I’ve told my story to alot of people, i don’t really know why, maybe cause I love to talk. *shrugs*
1. Mother was a drug addict (never saw her doing any)
2. Was in foster care (but saw my parents and got to stay with my many siblings, five of us)
3. Molested and Anally raped twice by my own family (But I forgave them, I mean we were kids, they didn’t know any better)
-Think this contributes to my sexual issues. Lost my virginity […]