“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense” (Venting)

So I forgot to close out this website before letting my mom borrow my computer. I don’t want to talk to her about it. Why? Because there is no communicating with her. I’ve tried before. -chuckles- You know what she said? “If you do it don’t do it here”. Like that is going to make me open up to her. I wont say I HATE my mother, cause I don’t except when I’m mad lol but I do dislike her ALOT. I just don’t understand why people are so blind. I’m not perfect. There I said it. But I am trying to work on myself and things DO NOT happen over night. But do is the effort notice? Never. I sleep in late, bad habit, so I try waking up a bit earlier but it’s not early enough…look here *****, I just woke up two hours earlier then usual why the fuck can’t you see that I’m trying! Doesn’t make me want to try.

You know what one of the most epic feelings is? I hold my breath past the point that your body is trying to make you breath. Then I feel my heart beat slow down, like I can hear the inside of my body. And I hold it, three, four or five seconds. Then I let it go. And I feel like i’m floating. Like I could float through my ceiling and rest  in the clouds.

It’s so easy to just write to the random, being able to share your hidden feelings with total strangers. I am entrusting a stranger with the most privy knowledge about my self but those who are supposed to be the closest to me will probably never know. remarkable eh?

Sometimes I’m afraid of death and other times I’m not. What makes me nervous is just wondering how I’m gonna go. How it will feel to die. I’ve actually already planned my funeral. If me holding my breath is anything like it then it’s actually not that bad. But I’m just rambling, give someone something to read I guess….and as I sit here and write this the warden emerges from her bat cave. I wish she would just allow me to work on myself my own way instead trying to force me to do shit that just makes things worse.

“Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it wasn’t”