So I know these things to be true…
>I need a concrete game plan to work from…sort of like a “mind map” which tells me the possible outcomes of actions that I could choose from
>I feel as if I am not connected to the world without a purpose for my days
>i have lost my purpose in life since I am no longer someones wife, someones girlfriend, someones mother…. still searching for it though….
>Have come up with a plan for schooling, I wish I had lots of people to encourage me in this new plan for myself, I wish I had someone […]
Anew on the morning sunrays I began another day
with an entire white oblong pill (vice 1/2 a tablet) on my way to the bottom of the well/or to evade the bottom of the well…
Why can I not climb or simply descend to find the floor of the well?
At the very least the waterfalls have lessend and speaking any hellos with strangers no longer turns on the torrents of tears
For this I am grateful
What I knew to be a possibility has not surfaced
in fact this new reality is far from how I thought it would be
If anyone knows of another site where they post on ways to consider staying alive I would be most grateful to know of it….I am more interested in ways to stay alive and not so much looking for ways of how to end it all….so if you know of a site, please pass on to here, and thanks so much 🙂
What was my donating my time today at the church downtown doing to make me feel like I am blessed beyond belief??? This has totally blown my self pity party out of the water!!! I feel like I have been given a gift and I am not about to give it back to the giver, cuz it feels so unbelievably good! So better than I have been feeling of late any how!!! I only folded socks and passed them out (one to a customer, yet some did get two cuz that is what I DO, LOL and learned a little bit […]
So it is awfully shitty to take a pre test online for ajob and realize u cannot even begin to do the math on the sample questions,,, how scvrewed up is that? its simple percents and iam not able to do that so i feel quite defeated right now!! as if i could think yself better~na not happening in this lifetime\1 SUCKS TO B ME!
Now I have one person I call a friend, and no one else as friend.
I sometimes miss those white sticks of cancer but hey, they are a crutch and aren’t I supposed to be better than that? So much better in fact that I just ate all the damned Christmas cookies! Feel terrible now. But when you weigh out the good the bad and the ugly, it boils down to the cookies being the wiser choice out of all the choices I could have chosen.
I actually wanted to post about this site feeling as close to having “friends” as I […]
k that panicky feeling is back in my chest. Why? cuz i don’t feel like the energy and effort I have put into the weeks sessions is going to land me a job any time soon!!
I feel like my efforts are not good enough, I didn’t put enough considered thought into my words and what I wanted to convey and it will show in no one biting my hook for work.
I also need to move and am looking at a more expensive place which happens to be a better place, in an area I prefer to be living in, and a […]
K, made it through today, still on the right track, my child is so delighted to have me visit with her for Christmas, she is genuinely happy to have me stay with her, and I am genuinely happy to be staying with her. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I have faith (even if I am not feeling it much) in my mind I keep telling myself it will all work out, it will all come together and I will get that job and be able to move and support myself. I am putting my faith in my […]
I am kind of enjoying a rare peaceful moment…the hour is almost midnight, I am in my bedroom and the window is cracked to let in the cold brittle air of this winters night in yet I hear only the softest of rain patter. It is calming, and the waft of water is cleansing as I breath it in.
Earlier today I was stressed with resume writing for a job I don’t even want to apply for. Then I found a different post and thought, yes, I could do this, and it was easier to write to the qualifications this posting wanted! […]
I am full out screaming on the inside as my life feels so out of control.
My life should be more even keeled than it is and I am so fed up with trying to keep my balance and do the right thing all of the time. I know I could just go to bed but it is better to dump this poisonous mood on here and get it out of my physical body. I want to have what I believe is a better place to live, in a better area and the thought behind that is that if I am […]
so just need to rant here…I am not having a good experience at the new place where I am living. The older room mate is a talker who is unaware of boundaries and when to just shut the fuck up. I humour her and say the appropriate things but it gets old really fast. I am feeling manipulated when she starts off with “so what are you doing tomorrow?” I now turn it around and say “Why would you ask that? Whats on the go for you tomorrow?”
I do not need to “check” in with her if I choose to […]
Where went my spirit of the season? It is not here with me now, I cannot reach it to invite it to be with me…
ife is about as fun as the droplets of rain that trickle down the panes of the windows I stare out of.
The sky is gray and dull. Not flannel grey, being all soft and cuddly and comforting, the other gray and dull. The barely there whiteness of cold steel silver skies, observed through unhappy eyes, eyes that used to be twinkling happy expectant eyes. The eyes that search for a path of hope to lead itself […]
so I would ask for people to list the alternatives they have tried to get out of the line of thinking that makes them consider taking thier own lives…as in what if anything did or could you try instead because yes, death is the final step but in the ‘inbetween time” what do you do???
It seems I am only gonna get four hours of peace
a day from the crushing weight of this depression
that wants to consume me and crumble me to a pulp!
4 hrs of no stressing, no panic, no feelings of disorientation
and I am grateful for those 3 to 4 hours that I am not consumed
with these feelings and crazy thoughts, when I am fooled that
all is right with my world.
What changes, what alters, to make it go from life is okay to all is shit in my world???
A person can only take so much of this before they snap!!!!
No end […]
those inspirational sayings on FB that say your attitutde determines your altitude well mine has not gotten elevated and I am in difficulty in that I cannot run with what was presented on Tuesdays appointment becuase I don’t know the steps to take and she obviously thought I did but i frickingwell don;t! Some help!!!!
Tuesday appointment did not live up to my expectations but I now have a direction to work in and so have a plan to get on with things……maybe my expectations were too high , probably, but I have a mini game plan to start with so that is something. better than nothing which is what i had before ….nothing…thank goodness for even the smallest of blessings.
It is Tuesday in the a.m
I am so tense, there is so much to do to just get out the door.
Physio at ten then the appt for getting on a good track with my life with the resume and skills session at the womans outreach place.
it feels good to dump this tension on here, this helps, woke up a million times through the night and still exhausted but have to keep on going forward
I feel so incredibly not ready for today and my physical symptoms are really really uncomfortable and everything is tensed up to the max.
This is my reality and […]
I have an awful lot of hope placed on tomorrows’ appointment!!!!!!
I tried my best to come up with as much info for the resume writing ‘cuz all my papers are in T.O.
I am literally exhausted right at this moment thinking about getting up in the morning and going to that appointment
..but I need to do this for me…I will do this for me…
I told my daughter about the appt. she is pleased for me…she knows not of my depression 🙁
I told my recent friend about the appt. he is happy for me…he knows about my depression 🙁
If they can’t help […]
I am making a list of things that I could do to help me make it to Tuesday…
aside from stuffing my face with crap (which does not help in any way) what can I realistically do / accomplish / come up with / fabricate / engineer / occupy my time with / invent / rearrange / be proactive about / just to get on with it?
* take a shower
* eat a healthy breakfast
* work on details of a resume to help myself on Tuesday so the appointment I am putting such stock and hope in is able to help me go forwards…..
So it is Sunday today, slept on the couch in the place I am now living.
The roomy kept coming out in the middle of the night to see if I was
going to go to my room to sleep, which I had no intention of doing ‘cuz
it is lonely in there and I prefered the distraction of the television.
I need to make it to Tuesday for the appointment to get my life back
on track. Then I will set another goal to buy myself a few more days of life.
Why do I need to “buy” or set a target to […]
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