Author

comomequieranllamar

loneliness

by comomequieranllamar 3/23/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

I was never a popular kid. Sometimes I didn’t have any friends. Sometimes I had someone to go with, I wouldn’t say they were real friends.
After school, I did have friends. Popular ones, in fact. I used to go out every weekend, and just party all night, drink, laugh, go to sleep at 8 in the morning in some dirty apartment.
No big talks (at least no without alcohol being involved), no intimacy. We just had fun. It was kind of mandatory having fun.

So, people has calmed down, settled. I keep some of those friends and now we really speak. And some new […]

3/23/2015 1 comment

Too much love?

by comomequieranllamar 3/19/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

I’ve been thinking about how many of the things that have gone wrong in my life happened because I tend to feel that other people are closer than they feel. Sometimes it’s not even that I act more friendly than I should, I end doing the opposite, I have troubles letting people enter in my life because I’m so scared that I’ll become so close…

I think that I love too much. Or too quickly, or strongly, I don’t know. Anyone in my case?

Ps: I don’t know if I explained myself clearly, I find difficult to explain this things in English…

3/19/2015 3 comments

a

by comomequieranllamar 3/19/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

I’m starting to think that is not fair that I have to live with all this pain and anxiety just because of not hurting my mum and sister by killing myself.

So now I’m really afraid.

I study, or used to, Psichology. I rationally understand what’s going on with me. I know that it must eventually pass. That’s what I keep telling myself. But it just doesn’t feel like it will actually get better.

Some days ago, one of my sister’s friend lost her father by suicide. My sister begged me to never do the same.

When my mums boyfriend commited suicide a year ago, his own son came […]

3/19/2015 1 comment

Coming out.

by comomequieranllamar 3/8/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

tust thinking… Yesterday I had a big conversation with two friends about all what’s going on in my life. It really felt so comforting to talk honestly about my feelings. And I thought about coming out to them, but I just couldn’t.

They’re two of my newest friends. In fact, I still find hard to call them friends, not because of how I feel to them, but because I think they may not see me as one. But they act like really good friends, so maybe I should just stop over thinking things.

It should be easy. They’re open-minded people, I’m too. My old friends know it. […]

3/8/2015 4 comments

Again

by comomequieranllamar 3/6/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

And again I’m crying like a child.

My mother and my sister both asked for my help at the same time. I can’t be in two places. They don’t seem to understand.

I left my only hobby, the only moment of the week when I see people and do something I like, because every week I had to pick up my sister from the train at that hour. Just too tired to argue with her.

I study in a online university, just to have time to work and pay for my degree. But I have to work in my mother’s shop for free so we don’t have to […]

3/6/2015 3 comments

The other side.

by comomequieranllamar 2/27/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

My mother’s boyfriend hanged himself ten months ago.

I didn’t saw him, but for ten months, I’ve been having nightmares every single night. About him, or about hanging myself. I still think about him every day.

Things were really bad before he killed himself. But now, he just left a hell.

He was a good man. He was generous and kind. But he just cared to much about everything. Any small critic, any argument would drown him. Every thing that he couldn’t afford would make him anxious.

Yes, he was depressed, but no one thought that he was suicidal. And one morning… the surprise.

I try not to blame him. […]

2/27/2015 2 comments

Where?

by comomequieranllamar 2/27/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

Two years ag, I lived in Switzerland for a couple of months, working as an au-pair. I was in a small village, in the middle of the Alps.

Living there, the landscape, the routine with the kids, it made me feel so peaceful, that I desired to stay that way forever.

One day, I visited Sion, the capital of the canton of Valais.

After walking around that quiet and both modern and old town, I found a place where the town just stops and give space to the nature. It’s a big square, and just in front of it, all those flowering cherry trees. At the sides, two […]

2/27/2015 1 comment

Morning

by comomequieranllamar 2/26/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

Haven’t sleep ok in months. Neither tonight. But this morning… the cold seems to be gone. My dog’s head is on my arm. Somehow, the world seems to be quiet, and birds start to be back. For almost an hour, I slept like a child. Time to wake up. I’m still afraid of talking to people.

But for an hour, everything was ok.

2/26/2015 1 comment

How do you do?

by comomequieranllamar 2/25/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

Yes, we ask it all the time. But, do we even want to listen the answer?

I’ve been wondering if someone would notice how down I am and ask me if I’m ok… and then just sit and really listen.

But then I realized I don’t remember the last time I was sincerely interested in how someone was doing.

So, why should I expect from others what I’m not able to give?

When I write in English, it looks funny to me, with all those capital “I” around. It’s kind of symptomatic.

2/25/2015 2 comments

Small thing… maybe.

by comomequieranllamar 2/24/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

So my sister found my account in some forum. Yesterday. My mother just told me some minutes ago.

They have been all this two days reading at my personal stuff. Things I’ve never said to them. My feelings, my private life. My sexual orientation doubts, my problems with friends, my problems with my father. All the things I’ve said about them. Also good stuff. When I met that girl. That night with that boy. Big parties with lots of alcohol, and those with something else. How they ended. Everything. I’ve been writing there since I was 17. Now I’m 25. Just imagine.

So, if I didn’t have […]

2/24/2015 3 comments

Let the time pass

by comomequieranllamar 2/24/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

Almost 12 in the morning. I haven’t get out of bed. Downstairs, my dogs are barking at something. They’re nervous, they haven’t gone for a walk for some days now. I feel terribly guilty for it. I guess that just not guilty enough to find the courage to face the world.

At some point, I’ll need to leave the bed, even if it’s just to feed them and go to the bathroom. It feels like an enormous job to do.

No Internet, not phone at home. The bill hasn’t been paid. Some weeks ago, it would have dragged me to anxiety. Today, it’s almost a relief not […]

2/24/2015 3 comments

What’s next?

by comomequieranllamar 2/23/2015

written by comomequieranllamar

I don’t want to kill myself. I really don’t. I just don’t know how to live anymore.
I feel emotionally exhausted, and I don’t see any way to get out of this situation.
I’ve experienced the suicide of a family member recently, and I don’t want my family to go through that again. So I won’t do it. But this decision makes me feel even worse. It’s like I don’t even have the choice to end all this suffering.
I’m living with my severely depressed mother, and I do also take care of her business, which is worthless because it doesn’t make money enough to […]

2/23/2015 4 comments

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