ups and downs, ups and downs
so much has happened in a year..both good and bad that i sometimes still find myself waking up if any of it was real.
and now i feel that feeling again. not necessarily wanting to be gone but not against my time being up. wondering how someone like me could be allowed to stay here when i feel so foreign to the world.
Like im not even human at all but desperately want to.
When the fog settled in and anxiety already hit its peak i left without saying a word.
I started out walking. I thought getting fresh […]
Wow. Okay thats a thing.
Ive been passive aggressively making life harder for myself.
Exploiting all my health issues, especially the issues i know plague the bloodline. Picked up cancer sticks with the goal to burn through a pack a week…hell even depleted all my finacial resources knowing id be fucked when debt collectora come knockin.
Anything, to get sick to get hurt…to be ruined and yet.
A car that shouldve totaled me narrowly misses..my doc clears me of any bad news and now somehow i have money in the bank. Not just a few dollars but enough to get by the next few months.
I just […]
Ive ditched cutting some time back but now ive picked up smoking haha. Well if its not one thing its another. Ive racked up some things to put me on the naughty list and while others are concerned how im going to handle them i find myself not really caring anymore. Even worse ive gotten into the habit of being a real clutz. At first it was just on accident but now they happen more frequently. I end up with scrapes, cuts and bruises that linger for a long time…but i kinda dont mind? Especially when cooking i used to be real careful but ive […]
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Ive never been the religious type but when this citation came up in Life is Strange..its really stuck with me. Long time no post for a sec there ha.
Deer just isnt right
Deer tells himself that he isnt mentally ill
he thinks people will just use this against him
Deer hears things that arent really there sometimes
Deer gets urges to do really bad things sometimes like setting things on fire and watching them burn Or dragging filling his body with poison and constantly feels bad
he can’t complete daily tasks without feeling pain or wanting to go back to bed
he cant sleep at night and spends hours laying in bed thinking about everything he’d done wrong that day
he acknowledges his paranoia and anxiety but tries to ignore everything else
he doesnt knows […]
It gets a little easier to let go
I gotta stop being afraid to just step into the fray. Just completely let go.
Even if i fail the pain from the mistake would feel incredibly real. For once.
As nov. 2nd approaches i cant help but think of my recently passed cousin and how he helped me out so much. Was so free. I think about how he was in a car accident and how i want to experience it.
I know its fucked up thinking but what else is new..
Ah well this is just good venting. I’ll be making an hour trip back home tomorrow […]
I really feel like im out of touch lately. Kinda droning on by..just on auto-pilot most of the times. My visions been getting weird and im having bouts of dizziness every now and then. I feel like im in pain both physically and emotionally that its just been one drug after another. Hell, just the other night i wrapped up ‘life is strange’ with a cocktail of rum two painkillers, a muscle relaxer and my sereoquel to top it off. And i was still awake and in pain into odd hours of the morning…feel like im growing a little dependant on popping pills just to […]
If I am weak or selfish shouldn’t I take responsibility for that?
Shouldnt I just get out of everyone’s way?
A hindrance is still an issue even if it only effects a few, it won’t get better til some sort of action is taken right…
When it comes to cutting, since ive seen a lot of posts about it lately. Assuming not cutting in anyway that would require medical attention (basically a suicide attempt) is it really all that bad? I myself use it as a coping method, i know its not entirely preferable and i try not to if i can avoid it but i feel like its really no different than lighting up a cigarette. Or any other destresser bad habit.
Though i am curious about those who use it as a way to grab attention. I kinda dont get it unless its a silent cry for help kinda […]
Well hey if youre still around or if anyones interested give a band Mother Mother a listen.
Ive gotten to the point where i dont really feel bad for a number of things. I still feel in the ‘wrong’ on a social stance because i feel that i might be lacking empathy and well thats my own self analysis. Im entitle to it right? I do feel at times im horrible, a monster it would be better to burn my bridges than to subject those who still care to my ups and downs. But then they’re also choosing to stick around when they know how bad things can get with me.
Things have never felt or seemed so clear before. A lot […]
Im back home and instantly i regret not downing half a month’s of sereoquel for the drive back home. Hell even if it didnt kill me im sure it would help satiate the voices that keep bothering me about harmful ideation.
My psych doc wants to increase it but i told him it would hinder me driving, honestly if he was so quick to want to i shouldve just let him. I feel like im doomed for the med life to feel comfortably numb and not unexpectedly lash out due to the wierd messages my brain thinks its receiving. Which is safe for everyone but […]
Im a little nervous bout tomorrow night. I dont have anything planned but it always seems in my luck for things to start turning topsy turvy whenever i let the roll of the dice take the wheel. Ive been spending the week with a really close friend of mine i known since highschool. Hes been under a lot of stress with his mom going through chemo even had an infection scare and i drove her an hour back towards LA to the nearest hospital.
Shes doing much better btw and weve been having a good time in each other’s company but it feels bittersweet knowing […]
Its been a while since i posted. Im still around but i hardly feel as though i am. It wasnt really an attempt to kill myself but for a moment to feel as though i disappeared..and i took a 30 day supply of sereoquel. It was an odd sensation. Body becoming heavy breathing slowing down mind in a different plane, a different high for sure.
Ive been prescribed a higher dosage this time round like 100x the strength actually. With only a week or two’s dent in a month’s supply. Im wondering what kind of high it would give me now. If I’d find […]
Its been odd, havent posted in a while since ive been caught up in feelings and thoughts. But now ive hit a wall again and its not even for the usual causes. Normally i would fluctuate between feelings of extreme highs and lows, though lately ive been cruising in the neutral zone.
Ive dropped a lot of expectations and hopes, its made me look at things or losses as unavoidable but necessary. Where it used to cause me grief now i have a sense of understanding why things happened that way. Why people reacted to me and my condition. With that i no longer dwell […]
It feels like nothings really changed. Get hyped over things that peak my interest express nothing towards everything else. It gets easier to talk about my problems or health issues and to have analytical jam sessions with doctors, determining what kind of mental issue ive got. Im so open to the not so pretty and just addressing the existence of things like depression or anger-fueled violence that it deters others from really talking to me….but as the time goes by its bothering me less and less. I care less and less. Its kinda good but at times i worry if that mentality will manifest into […]
Ive started hearing voices again at night, without any real cause. They whisper my name and other little things to hushed to really make out. Its still taunting though, always enough to catch my attention and startle me. I really hate it. It makes me question what reality is, whose really there…I know its all in my head but its so hard to ignore. So hard to push away.
They keep trying to get me to do things. I cant function anymore…i cant be social anymore. I hate even stepping out of the house. I dont even feel safe when i sleep. What is actual sleep […]
It always makes me believe there’s a chance things can work out but I know that’s not true. I get this sudden urge to do things but never really make due. Plan to go out or be sociable but those plans fail and I’m back at square one. Such a false sense of joy because in a few hours or a day and it’ll be gone, just like that. No explanation, no deal I can make to get it back…it does what it wants. It wants to toy with me and it just hurts all too much. If I’m to be miserable why taunt me, […]
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