Author

disgusting

An update on my worthless waste of space

by disgusting 6/9/2016

written by disgusting

Taken straight from my tumblr because I’m too lazy to repeat it. And it’s all here anyway.
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It’s taken almost 40 years and falling in love with the one I truly want and could marry every day of my life over and over again, and knowing that I can’t have him and will go to my grave never having the love that I’ve dreamed of since I was 5 to finally push me to this. It’s something I should’ve done when I was still a child, but I didn’t understand back then. All my life, I’ve ignored the outside world and stuck to […]

6/9/2016 7 comments

No choice

by disgusting 5/5/2016

written by disgusting

I’ll have no choice but to kill myself. I know how much harder it is to do and how much more painful it will be, being as obese as I am. But I have no choice. $1200 to the IRS this year with a potential $6000 for next year, only making half of what I made last year, $800 rent to not be homeless, then they demand $500/mo now for my student loans when I don’t even fucking have money to eat any god damn thing at all now. Life isn’t fucking worth it. I can’t be homeless or survive prison being unable to walk […]

5/5/2016 3 comments

I wish I were dead

by disgusting 4/10/2016

written by disgusting

I’ve seriously had to think about jumping or hanging myself at work or jumping in front of a train because this is such bullshit and I’m getting abused on top of it. My job’s become unbearable because of the coworker who’s decided to have a problem with me and trying to get rid of me. Well yeah it’s fucking working. She’s been lying and complaining about me to the boss saying I stink, that I’ve filled the coffee pot with my coffee mug that I drank out of, that I fart and burp the whole day at work, and that I don’t shower and smell […]

4/10/2016 32 comments

I’m such a failure

by disgusting 3/30/2016

written by disgusting

I haven’t had anyone do my taxes yet, as this week’s already been planned out for me, so I have to wait for next week to see if I can get one of the free spots for doing taxes. I tried to do it online and found that I’d owe $1000 to federal and $200 to the state, and why I don’t fucking know. It makes no sense. My boss says I make too little for taxes to be taken from my checks, so the gov won’t take anything week to week but expect $1000 in a lump fucking sum at the end of the […]

3/30/2016 12 comments

why?

by disgusting 3/28/2016

written by disgusting

I seem to meet, know or find the people who suffer the most. And why me, when I have nothing and can do nothing to help? An old friend of mine has been through a lot of hell in his life. He just found out through his dad admitting it, that his dad beat and kicked his mom while she was pregnant to try to kill him as a baby. And that’s why he never had his parents in his life. They hated him from the start. And he thought he had just reconnected with his mom, but I guess she was faking it because […]

3/28/2016 4 comments

Complete dread

by disgusting 3/22/2016

written by disgusting

I never thought I’d feel sick to my stomach with anger and dread, not wanting to go in to work. This has been the first full year that I’ve worked through a job, so I’ve never experienced anything like this before. And it’s the same thing I’ve heard my mom complain about why she absolutely loathes working. It’s because there’s always got to be some insufferable ***** there who makes everyone miserable!

So here’s what happened. The boss has been gone over a month now because she’s moving to another state. She’s supposed to be back at some point to tie up loose ends before she’s […]

3/22/2016 7 comments

Quick update

by disgusting 3/18/2016

written by disgusting

On the “passive aggressive office person”. Yeah, there’s 3 of us that work here. Any mess left in the fridge or microwave was from the people who used it – 2 of them are not here anymore. The 1 of us that does use it is the one who complains and so now the boss yells at the 2 of us who don’t use the fridge or microwave ever at all!

3/18/2016 0 comment

So beyond exhausted…

by disgusting 3/16/2016

written by disgusting

I feel like I’m several trillion spoons in debt… (if you get that reference)

So, the girl he was after rejected him. No, of course I don’t want him to be miserable but it would have been a bad situation for him to get involved with. He chases perfect little girls around or under 5′ tall and under 100 lbs. This one just so happened to be married (but in process of going to get divorced) with 2 little babies 9 months apart. It would have ruined everyone’s lives because of the things he has attached to his name. Which, could be the reason she had […]

3/16/2016 12 comments

I don’t want to be here!!

by disgusting 3/14/2016

written by disgusting

At first, I unfriended him from facebook, and that hurt. And it’s not that I don’t want to be friends with him. It’s that it hurts too much that I can be so easily replaced and forgotten. But then I deactivated my page. He won’t notice I’m gone. After almost a year and always giving him everything, I don’t fucking matter at all. All that fucking matters to him is someone being under 100 lbs when he’s 300 lbs himself.

I want to fucking kill myself. Half because of him and knowing I’ll always be alone and half because I’m embarrassed to be so fucking ugly […]

3/14/2016 10 comments

The only reason I ever had to live

by disgusting 3/11/2016

written by disgusting

My cats….

Let me tell their stories…
Top row:
1. Heidi – she was my grandma’s cat, which made me want to get a cat. She passed away a good long time before any of mine did.
2. Salem – my first baby. 3/1/98-11/5/11. She passed away from FIP.
-skipping ahead for a reason-
5. Gypsy – my 4th baby. 7/25/03-3/3/12. She passed away after eating a cat toy, having surgery to remove it, and then getting a blood infection. She was only […]

3/11/2016 12 comments

sigh…

by disgusting 3/9/2016

written by disgusting

So, it seems he has some skinny tiny girl interested in him. She’s of course not pretty. Way too gaunt and malnourished looking, but that’s what he likes. Anorexic and underweight. She looks young and she has two babies exactly 9 months apart and I guess no baby daddies in the picture. WHY must every man want these sluts just because they’re anorexic??? I’ve accepted that I was born to be alone and never have love in my life, but it still hurts to see my dream guy getting close to someone.

3/9/2016 9 comments

I’m really distressed

by disgusting 3/6/2016

written by disgusting

I don’t know why I care so much, but yet I do. My ex is about to be homeless and penniless without a soul on earth around to help. He lives in Alaska so yeah pretty damn far away. His mom could pass away any day now. I’m scared of what could end up happening to him knowing his tendency to drink. He’s been sober for about 6 months just out of being penniless and having no way to get any money. I don’t want him in bad shape, in jail or dead. I’m so afraid for him and there’s nothing I can do.

3/6/2016 1 comment

I’m so tired

by disgusting 2/25/2016

written by disgusting

I hate to feel sick of working already when it’s my first year. But I feel useless and like I can’t ever be up to the level everyone else is on, and I’ll always be such a no good underperformer. I used to think I was smart but it’s not book smarts you need. It’s being normal, knowing how everyone else thinks, and creating systems that follow the normal thinking patterns that I’m clueless on. I’m sick of not having any energy, being so short of breath, coughing & gagging like a smoker when I’ve never smoked, being tired all the time and overall physically […]

2/25/2016 3 comments

Frustrated

by disgusting 2/22/2016

written by disgusting

I hate feeling frustrated with this job too. I don’t have any options to get a full time job. But I’m supposed to be an equal with someone here, same position, same level, both leadership positions for others. But he’s taken over, and it’s like I suddenly have another boss, one that disapproves of everything I do, calls all the shots, and I have no freedom anymore. I was liking this so much because of the creative freedom the real boss gave me, and that my ideas were listened to and even liked. Now I’m back to this “no, no, no, I don’t like that, […]

2/22/2016 1 comment

Worked for nothing

by disgusting 2/19/2016

written by disgusting

A homeless/semi-homeless person coming from the streets trying to get on their feet shouldn’t owe the government jack shit when you don’t get jack shit. Somehow my taxes got fucked up at work and what’s even more fucked up is I have to claim one job as two jobs because both have their own EIN and W2. But the deal was, my employer’s finances went through another company as they were a start up. When they separated and became their own entity, they got their own EIN and new payroll system. So when the first W2 ends from the parent company, with the grand total […]

2/19/2016 14 comments

I’m so exhausted….

by disgusting 2/17/2016

written by disgusting

I wish I had more energy, but life beats me down relentlessly. I’ve been unable to breathe for the last few weeks. Cold weather really messes with my lungs and turns them into bags of endless mucus and the slightest move I make causes me to hack up a lung… which is really making it 1000x harder to get around, on top of my normal disabilities.

I had to tell a friend of 8 years to fuck off because she really screwed with my feelings. Or,s he showed she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings. On a Monday she asks me to ask if I can […]

2/17/2016 0 comment

Doesn’t make sense

by disgusting 2/8/2016

written by disgusting

I saw my friend again for the first time in forever (like 2 months!) which is the longest it’s gone without seeing him. And he says the same old thing, that it’s not all about looks to him but it clearly is, because no one is up to the very high standards he sets for girls. If she couldn’t be a supermodel or a hot stripper or porn star, or is too many additional 1lb increments over the 100 lb limit, then there’s not a chance in hell they could get with him. And that’s how he is whether he will admit it or not.

So anyway, he […]

2/8/2016 7 comments

Sigh…

by disgusting 2/7/2016

written by disgusting

Proof that I’m the ugliest person alive comes from the other side too. I have nothing against this guy at all, so it’s not that. Another transguy I know got featured in a popular news source for being a hot transguy and he’s about as big as I am. How is it that other big people can be good looking but I’m always told how ugly I am?? What is really so wrong with me????

I can’t deal with it if I think of it any more than that. I’m sick of being the ugliest person on earth. I’ve taken .5 and .4 of my testosterone […]

2/7/2016 9 comments

coughing can’t sleep again

by disgusting 1/27/2016

written by disgusting

I’m glad to be indoors for now and have food, but the cigarette smoke all ends up filling up in my room somehow and never goes away. And I can’t fall asleep when that’s all I’m breathing is cigarettes. I’ve even got my window open and the smell isn’t dissipating at all. X-(

1/27/2016 2 comments

See?

by disgusting 1/24/2016

written by disgusting

Yeah I’m pissed. Why even bother? Why play ganes? I haven’t seen him in a full month and I know I’ll never see him again. He actually messages me asking to come over. Then last minute says he can’t because the other car he had access to died too. Says he had a ride. So why couldn’t the ride have dropped you off here? If you can rent a car you can catch the bus, right? Hasn’t talked to me any more. Just leave me alone then. You got what you fucking wanted. You got rid of the person who cares most about you. Yes […]

1/24/2016 3 comments

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