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So beyond exhausted…

by disgusting

I feel like I’m several trillion spoons in debt… (if you get that reference)

So, the girl he was after rejected him. No, of course I don’t want him to be miserable but it would have been a bad situation for him to get involved with. He chases perfect little girls around or under 5′ tall and under 100 lbs. This one just so happened to be married (but in process of going to get divorced) with 2 little babies 9 months apart. It would have ruined everyone’s lives because of the things he has attached to his name. Which, could be the reason she had to reject him. One of her friends is a cop and got involved, spouting off on how she will lose her kids if she brings him around again. Of course, I know this because I was watching from a distance even though he hasn’t spoke to me the whole time he had been getting close to her. But since it ended, he texts me going off on me about shit. Same old shit, how I must not be a real friend then because I can’t get over my feelings, he basically wants me to be like a straight male friend who’d high five him for getting laid whenever he would get the next hook up, and he even said maybe we should part ways then if I can’t be that way (like a straight male friend). And I was like, so you’d seriously part ways with the one and only person who does love and care about you!?? He said a lot of shit to piss me off and hurt me, but in the end, “he’s cool with me” again for now. In my mind, he doesn’t understand me, how I feel, or what love itself is. He can feel intensely for absolutely any girl who meets the body size requirement, where as I strongly feel that I can’t feel intensely and passionately for anyone else in the world ever. I’ve always believed that love (well, real true love anyway) is a one time thing in life. I kind of broke that rule because there’s someone else (who’s famous) that I thought was my one major love until I met him, the friend of mine here. Then I started considering him the one eternal love in my lifetime. But I know and have always known he’ll never be with me or give me a shot, and even then I can’t change it and make it go away. Oh yeah he also accused me of avoiding him and never wanting to spend time with him. That’s not true at all. I’ve told him before and he should know I’m forced to work 50 hours a week to barely get paid for 20 hours between two jobs just to barely survive, I live in a house where the other 2 apartments have 50 people living in each one so I have to wash clothes Friday night after work at midnight and they don’t get done until 3am because there’s no chance in hell to get the washer any reasonable time from 6am to 11pm, so I can rest on Saturday to be up for spending the day at the buddhist center Sunday 6am-6pm or later coz my roommate is my ride and he volunteers there half the time working from open to close. And I have fibromyalgia and I truly need time to rest I’m not avoiding anyone, I’m old and tired and disabled and live a life that’s more demanding on my body than I can stand. But since he has nothing to do most of the day all day, I’m avoiding him. I should just blow off work to hang out I guess. SIGH!! But at least he’s ok with me for now. I’d like to believe part of all that shit was him throwing a tantrum because his latest crush rejected him.

So the whole thing, before he texted me to blow up at me because it ended with that girl, I felt like it changed me and all I want(ed) to do is go after money from now on, just get money and make him wish he’d have stuck with me. Just feeling like playing the nice guy isn’t getting me shit, less and less hours and my paychecks getting smaller and smaller every week. Being nice and not quitting after a year isn’t getting me anywhere. I saw an ad on the bus for a psychology school and I’m sure as fuck not interested in that, but hell, psychologists make money so maybe I should go for that just so I can get $200 an hour! I don’t know, I’m actually considering it?!? Just how will I survive in the meantime and what about my taxes this year and ending up completely fucked?!? And this isn’t like me at all but I don’t know, I do want money and to have a level of income and lifestyle that is way the fuck beyond what anyone in my family or any of my friends have ever seen or imagined. And I don’t mean super rich necessarily. Just beyond my family’s average $15k, beyond the $24k my grandma made, I want to end up at or over $50k.  I’m not sure if that’s enough, even. It sounds enough for me. But to get an apartment here you have to make 3 times the rent in monthly income. So I figured it out, you need to make $3000 a month to live in a shitty apartment or studio/1BR. And you need to make $6000 a month to live a lower-middle middle class lifestyle. What in the literal fuck could you do to that would make $6000 a month so that you could have a completely average, nothing fancy, but livable $2000/mo average apartment?!?! How the hell!?! So maybe I’m setting my goals too low. But, point of the story… So fine, fuck it all, fuck everyone and everything, you’ve ripped out and stomped on my feelings so much that I don’t care about anything but money from here on out. >:(

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12 comments

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/16/2016 - 10:40 am

HI disgusting. I’m glad you posted this here this morning, everyone needs to hash this stuff out. It sounds like you are still struggling. I understand loving someone but never allowed to be with them for various reasons.

disgusting 3/16/2016 - 12:27 pm

Yeah I know I’m too tall at 5’5″ and way too fat to be able to get him, he says that’s not the reason. So for his reasons, it’s basically because I’m disabled and not into partying at the club every night. As I told my ex (we’re friends again), he can’t have it both ways. You can’t have the white picket fence perfect life of wife and kids and party at the club every night.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/16/2016 - 12:32 pm

Have you considered that the reason is because he isn’t gay?

disgusting 3/16/2016 - 3:24 pm

I know he’s not gay, but I would’ve stopped transitioning for him. And with me being obese, it’s not like I really look male. The ones that change are the skinny ones.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/17/2016 - 8:31 am

No you definitely look male.

disgusting 3/17/2016 - 4:36 pm

Not to the majority I don’t. I get called ma’am even with as much facial hair as will come in on me. Estrogen (and being fat) is a major hinderance to taking testosterone. All it does is keep raising (your estrogen level) because your fat body is fighting the surge of testosterone. The effects are so minimal on a fat person.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/17/2016 - 4:40 pm

So you are still pre-op right?

nepheliad 3/16/2016 - 3:35 pm

What kind of idiot “friend” would get mad at another friend because they were rejected by a potential love interest? He sounds toxic and immature. You deserve better.

disgusting 3/17/2016 - 4:37 pm

That’s the thing! He was calling ME immature for not being able to completely get over my feelings for him, while going off on me because a girl he wanted rejected him. So THAT’S mature?? Yell at the one person who does love you because you can’t get someone you’re very superficially interested in?

betterlife 3/17/2016 - 4:02 am

I have Fibromyalgia, Babesiosis, Lyme Disease, Bartonella, Migraines, IBS, insomnia, scarring and stretch marks that just keep on coming and hair loss. I am not transgender but I understand how lonely it can be to watch everyone else not suffer what we suffer. Very few people are going through this, we think. But we’re wrong. Not only that, tons of people would fall for you – pain and body and all. I don’t know who made you feel you’re disgusting, but you’re not. I see you. You’re beautiful and smart and hopeful.

betterlife 3/17/2016 - 4:03 am

Also it was your spoon theory reference that kept me reading. I get it. I feel like someone threw out the whole damn silverware set

disgusting 3/17/2016 - 4:39 pm

That’s how I feel my life has been. A month before my 21st birthday, someone threw out the whole damn silverware drawer and I’ve been forced to live without and carry on to the present day at 38 years old. It was the doctor who fucked my back up in the first place. I used to be active! 🙁

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