Engie

I’m heading into town. I’m alone, for now. Meeting for drinks with my sister. And I decided for the first time in… a long time, I’m going to do something completely selfish.

I’m going to get drunk and then I’m going to throw myself under a train.

I thought about this when I said goodbye to my lover earlier tonight. A voice in my head telling me that it was the last time I would ever see her. Make it count. “I love you so much. I love you so much. I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”

The last time I will see anyone. […]

Riding on the euphoria high produced from a testosterone fueled morning of sex, high intensity exercise and psychotropic stimulants, I had a moment to reflect on myself and realise a few things about myself.

I can do anything I want to do. This is important because as well as being a strength, it is also a weakness. It depends entirely on whether I want to do it. If someone were to ask me to do something I don’t really want to do, I would be much less likely to actually succeed. But it is also a strength because if I have the motivation to achieve something, […]

I know it’s my fault. I took the pill today. I shouldn’t have forgotten to take it for the past couple days but I did. Now I’m fucked up. If anyone notices, I must be unbearable to be around.

Worried that if I tell him how I really feel he’ll commit me again. Not that he’s ever committed me before, but he came really close once. I spent a couple weeks in a hospital end of last year. I think some people at work figured it out, but only my manager seriously questioned me. I don’t trust her, so I only told HR what I needed to and nothing more. Definitely not the attempt.

So, for work’s sake at the very least, I want to stay out, even though I think I hate my job. Although, I’m not entirely sure it’s my job I hate. […]

We had lunch. Turns out she’s still as shallow and narrow-minded as I remember.

She tells me the fortnight I spent in hospital, she couldn’t stop thinking about me.
“Yeah,” I said, “The hospital staff told me about the phone call you made to the emergency ward telling them that my suicidal state was my dad’s fault”

She told me she told them that she left him because he was “abusive”. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I never saw him abuse her in the whole time I lived with them. And I already know she’s full of shit.

Once, she kicked my sister out of […]

Back at work today. First day in two weeks. I sit in some secluded part of the office, trying to work, but struggling to focus. The world is grey again, and all I can think about is how much I hate every bit of it.

Or is that just me?

I mean, in addition to the brain zaps, irregular momentary jolts of intense vertigo (feels kind of like my brain is running on gears and every so often the teeth slip and the world snaps to one side, like dizziness except instead of the world swimming, it shifts quickly and suddenly like the second hand on a watch), I also experience periods of intense emotional numbness, sometimes accompanied by intense aggression. This makes me sometimes find the suffering of other people amusing, though, being a highly logical person, I try to avoid causing other people undue stress, but I acknowledge that […]

It’s been 3 weeks since I was released from hospital. Think I’m relapsing. I’m sitting in front of my computer at work feeling like crying for no particularly good reason.

I wish that I could cry. I feel that if I could let the tears come out, this pain would leave me too, for a time. But I sit here, and nothing happens. No tears; barely a hint of emotion crosses my face, save inexplicable exhaustion.

Today is Monday. It feels like Friday.  I’m dreading what promises to be a week of Fridays, but I stand determined. I will make it through this week. That’s what I’m […]

I’m so glad I’m seeing my psychiatrist today. My head’s a mess and the depression is getting worse again.

I forgot to get a new referral for the psych from a GP, though. They’ll probably let me see him anyway, duty of care and all.

But seriously, who the hell thought up the referral system here? I know I need to see a psychiatrist; I just got out of mental hospital, where I was involuntarily admitted under the “Mental Health Act” for being suicidal. Now, they want me to go visit a doctor for however much that costs these days so I can tell him I’m depressed […]

I guess I always do when I visit this site. I just want it to go away.

I’m so tired of being swallowed up by my own pain.