I cannot believe that it has come to this, again.
I need to go in again, otherwise I will be dead in 24h. I have a time with my psych consult tomorrow afternoon. I just need to keep myself alive long enough to get there. After many, many months it has come down to this again. It will be my 8th time in, but this time I hope they hold me long enough to get the help I need. I cannot live like this, can definitely die, but need out some way or another.
Fuck, this is so so so hard.
I said I wouldn’t be back…… but after hovering around watching a lot of other posts I felt I couldn’t resist posting again.
I haven’t cut in 2 months, or drunk anything either. Have been going to work at night, exercise. Have eaten food now again (but instead of the anorexia it is bulimia that has taken over – binge and purge and have not kept any food down in 2 months). Feel so fat and even have put on weight because of the stupid puking, but only a kilo, not much but feels like 20.
I tried to find meaning, tried to see something, but there […]
Have tried several times to seriously end things. I feel even more stuck than before all of this started. I don’t seem to be able to end it, but I cannot live this life anymore and I am so physically and emotionally weak and can feel the life draining from me. When I do not want to fight and when nobody is there to fight with/for me, what is the point?
I have been unafraid of dying for quite some time now, many months in fact!
I now live a life of selfishness, indifference and meaninglessness all rolled into one. It is all pointless, and in this I seem to have found a way of staying alive. It will not last long though I think, but give it a try, if not for a bit.
Enjoy
Hi Guys
I am back. It has been an odd couple of weeks since I was last here and posted. I want to share the story though, maybe it helps others who are feeling similar and wondering what it all means. I have definitely not got the answer though.
My last post was about how weak I was, how I thought I was strong but I couldn’t stay anymore. I cleared out my office at work that weekend. I spent a lot of time getting rid of EVERYTHING and also making sure that there was nothing of ME left anymore. I wanted to make it all as […]
I thought I was strong, I thought I could do it, but I can’t. It is not possible.
This might be my last post.
Good luck everyone
So I am sat at work, no-one is speaking to me (naturally and great), working on reproducing some results that are looking great, but it all means nothing.
I don’t care anymore, there is nothing that fascinates me. I will leave here later today and go home, cry, cut, and generally feel terrible as always and try to get through it. But what is the point? Why bother? A new day comes and it is as bad as the next, just as pointless and I am not sure if I want to do this anymore.
Test injected with my thio…. this is so going to work when the time is right.
I am trying to hold on, but I have been steadily tidying up my life these last weeks and I am throwing away my career and my life very quickly. I am steadily working towards the end and although I feel really bad right now, I know I will hold on another day or two. I keep trying to find excuses to carry on just one more day (new tattoos, new clothes/shoes to be bought tomorrow), anything at all. But it is all crap and means nothing. It is just a distraction from where I know I am heading. I hate to set deadlines, none […]
I thoughtI was strong enough, I thought I would find purpose, but all I find is a crushing pain.
I am alone, I have nothing in my life that brings joy, only pain. I know now that I have just 1 week left here. I cannot carry on like this, I am stuck and I have to make a decision. I need to move on and I need to do it soon. I will spend 1 more week at work, let people see me in my current state (I have lost over 88 pounds/40 kilos) in the last year and I am skeletal to say the […]
I just wanted to add a small post, but for me it seems almost a definition of a state of mind I find myself in.
Life has passed me by. It feels so literal right now, sat at home, alone and having not spoken to a single human being for about 9 days. I have no hopes, no desires, no wishes, no plans for now, no plans for the future, nothing. I do not dream, no goals and no desire to change. It feels as though I am stuck in a void. Life has left me, why should I stay?
I have had my suicide attempts and […]
A short post, because I am about to go to work and spend a few pointless hours doing something there now everyone is going home (so I can be alone).
Anyway, trying to buy time, moments, minutes and sometimes seconds. Now I find though it is not enough, this isn’t going to work in the long run. How can we buy time (and I do not mean economically) to keep ourselves alive when the pain is too great?
Have tried working, traveling, buying things, hurting myself, putting myself to sleep and just literally wasting time, but when those things pass, the pain remains, and it hurts like […]
I feel at a crossroads.
I have tried 5 times to kill myself and 1 week ago I knelt in my bathroom with my neck in a noose and started to inject a drug to put myself to sleep. I stopped, and since then have been very angry with myself but also wondering why I did stop.
I have to go back to work, continue with my painful and pointless existence alone and it annoys me that I have to do this, yet again. Is it worth fighting or should I just give up because this cycle of deep pain is just killing me slowly.
So I had the police around again, twice in two days. The first time I got away with it, but the next day they came with a doctor and paramedics and got dragged off to hospital and was forced into care (for the 3rd time) and my 5th hospitalization. Have now had about 10 run-ins with the police this last year.
I was supposed to be dead, I emptied my office last weekend and then went home fully intending to once and for all end it all. I knelt there with my head in a noose and a syringe with enough anesthesia drug (will not mention […]
That feeling is getting closer and closer. Knowing that it will all be over very soon is almost a good feeling. Not having to suffer all that pain. Just a couple more days, then I have to go. Is it wrong to feel almost happy about that?
8 Months since my first suicide attempt (overdose), 3 more overdoses and hospitalizations added and the last few weeks more and more time spent at the psychiatric unit, so many weeks I have spent there and nothing helps.
I am really sad now, but I see the end. Have cleared my office out, written some lines to explain my pain (though I never thought I would do that) and now spend the days crying even more because I know that I really only have a few days left. This time I am not going to go for the OD, even though I should have died already. […]
So another day has come and past, another pointless, meaningless empty feeling remains and all that is left is the cold embrace of an empty bed.
5 Suicide attempts, 2 last minute resuscitations in hospital, endless weeks in a psychiatric unit and each and every time come out feeling the same way and return to the same emptiness and nothingness that is my life. Medications make me feel numb, neither happy nor sad, just more of that feeling of nothingness, again. It is so ironic that ALL antidepressants just make you docile, slow, bored and unable to feel anything of meaning. I have decided that with […]
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