Another day of mindless pain

So another day has come and past, another pointless, meaningless empty feeling remains and all that is left is the cold embrace of an empty bed.

5 Suicide attempts, 2 last minute resuscitations in hospital, endless weeks in a psychiatric unit and each and every time come out feeling the same way and return to the same emptiness and nothingness that is my life. Medications make me feel numb, neither happy nor sad, just more of that feeling of nothingness, again. It is so ironic that ALL antidepressants just make you docile, slow, bored and unable to feel anything of meaning. I have decided that with all of the side effects I get each time that I would rather die than live in a permanent state of docile numbness, gaining weight and being alone and isolated to just be left hanging around for other peoples sake. I think my biggest problem is that I just cannot find a reason to continue living (despite having a great job and the world at my feet); just makes me feel even worse as I do not deserve this (despite spending many years of hard work and sacrifice to get here). Have faced so much pain in my past and the future just seems so pointless and despite therapists saying it will pass “this is a temporary feeling”, the seconds, minutes, hours  and days pass into weeks into months and the pain is still there, it never goes away and I have to live in this pain and torture.

Have been suicidal for about 8 months now, whereby I think constantly of death and dying, each and every minute. Have survived what should have been two very permanent overdoses and a hanging attempt, doctors don’t understand why I made it, I feel even more annoyed and feel massive amounts of sorrow. This last one, 3 weeks ago, really was the best chance yet (because I am so isolated I could lay dead here for weeks without being missed), massive overdose, drugs, alcohol, anti-mimetics, and woke up in pain in hospital and out of my mind with misery that I had failed again (apparently I made it onto the street in an unconscious daze after I “awoke” a day or so after overdose). Funny thing is, I have felt for many years (pre depression and suicidal tendencies) that I would not live past my 35th Birthday and never really understood what it would be that would take me (had always assumed cancer or something); so around 7 months until my 35th, some time left but I really do not think I am going to pull through this, I am not even sure if I want to, I just want to die, why can’t I just die?