EyeOfHorus

I wake, to the sound of a blaring alarm. Another day in paradise. Shower, clothes, eat, drive to class. It’s the same routine I’ve always done, but it feels strangely different.

In class, I feel on edge. Like a eerie pair of eyes is gazing -through- me. It’s gaze, fixated not on my physical form, but into my mind. My hairs standing as tall as towers, I anonymously peer around the lecture hall. Nothing, as suspected. I remain undetected, at least to people.

The campus feels colder than normal. The wind, more piercing. The snow, more chilling. It feels as if it’s draining me. My hot chocolate is […]

Each day, I find more than anything, that aside from the immediate problems in my life; bills, friends, school, etc… I have this feeling of longing. For what? I’m not sure. I feel it when I shower, when I am driving, when I am about to sleep. At the times most peaceful, there is a longing. A draw towards something that I am missing. Each day it gnaws at me more and more, only adding to my frustration and despair. Is it you, my beloved, that I am longing for? No, it can’t be, you’ve long forgotten about me. Is it for money? Financial security? […]

You stand there, feigning a smile. Damn you’re pretty good at it aren’t you? Hiding your struggle. No one would suspect someone quite like you to harbor any negative emotion. No, not you. You’re smiles, laughter. You’re the class clown, the life of the party. So you stand there, mask on. Hiding behind a smile and a joke. You’re bravado is failing you, though. Pieces of your elaborate mask, your work, which you had so much confidence in, is falling away, revealing your weaknesses. The walls come down, friend. And at the end of it all, what did you have? One, maybe two friends? Mediocre […]

It was the same as it usually was. Musty, quiet, lonely, and a bit cold. It was nothing I wasn’t used to. I’d been here for days. Or was it weeks? Months? I don’t really remember quite honestly. It’s been quite awhile, I suppose. More than I’d like to have been here, at least. I figured this just how things were now. Ever since she and I became estranged I’ve just kept on this way. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes and buried my face in my knees again.

“What’s the point anyways?”

“Don’t be like that” a voice softly called out right in […]

I feel out of place in my own skin. I hide behind the mask of a face of a person I’m not. I bear the emotions of someone in the past. It’s all just one big facade. One giant ruse. I want to die, but I’m too young, too volatile to die yet. I guess the kid deserves more than for this empty soul to take his life. I mean, he does his best, he means well, but ever since the day she left him, he’s been different. Oh well, I tried and so did he, I guess.

Every time I see a picture of you I go mad. I’m sitting hear listening to Pachabel and carving your name into my skin. You’re gone, but I’m waiting for you. You left a scar on my soul, I left scars on my flesh. It’s the only way that you’ll see how much it pains me that you’re gone. Please, Abby, save me. Please.

Turned 19 today.. I suppose that’s pretty cool. Nothing seems new. I’m still here alone by the computer drowning in college homework… Not to mention my ex-girlfriend texted me happy birthday which just bummed me out. Geez, it’s hard trying not to think of you, can you not text me.. and I didn’t even know what to say so I just said, “thanks, you too”. Oh well. Here’s to another year of life I suppose.

edit: turns out neither of my parents remembered it was my birthday either.. bummer.

Does being a long time member make you a success or failure to the community? Hmm… irony.

Is it normal to think about your funeral? I find myself curious about it all the time. If I were to take myself, who would come to it? Who would cry? Who would notice.. it’s almost surreal. If I knew I could watch it at a distance I’d do it tomorrow, but that thought of the unknown is such a drag

Before, when I was drunk, I never thought of killing myself. Now, I’m wasted and want nothing more. Idk how much longer I want to be here. Lonely, tired, and falling behind… idk.. is it worth it? Right now the only thing keeping my from hanging myself is the idea that I could study abroad in Japan soon… even then, will I want to live? Well… idk.

I can’t seem to smile anymore… life is so melancholy

You know, more than anything, it’s hardest being average. No cares about you when you’re average. They don’t see your pain or they just don’t care. Being the best is obviously, by nature, the best, but I’m not the best. I’m just… me. Even being the worst is better. I mean, at least you are recognized. Me? I’m invisible. I’m average.