yup, my family makes it clear im not wanted. they hurt me so much. my dads threats of beating me (though he has never acted on it) my moms assuming, she never lets me finish what i have to say she always expect the worst when it comes to me my sister verbally and physically abusive. THANK YOU family, i know im not wanted….u made it obvious. hope u will be happy when i off myself..whenever that day may be.
they have to much effect on people! i take every little word thrown at me VERY SERIOUSLY i read every letter, message, e-mail, whatever over and over, understanding every part of the word. why? its so annoying. if someone tells me they love me, i play that in my mind over and over again and again. if someone even says something basic like “hi” i take it in to high value…..idk, maybe i just take things to obessively..so maybe words are words as harmfull ror as sweet as they are..maybe its not WTF is wrong with words, its prob WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? i […]
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! it came sooner then i thought it would. so i have to babysit my sisters friend in a couple hours, normally i look forward to this as it gets me out of the house. but since that fucking douche bag moved in and denied bout him asking to have sex with me, i look like the attention whore, everyone thinks im lying and going over there is hella uncomfortable, i know i had the right to say no but the mom is like a 1000x better mom to me ten my real one i didnt wanna let her down so i said yes. now […]
to cut, i did yesterday, not severley as i was some-what busy and didnt have time to slip away for an hour. but now i have the dark night, and the urge is back. i hate knowing i cut at the same time, glad i have my own free counselors: my needles and pocket knives. they r always there for me.
wells, idk what to call today, good or bad? its a cross. yeah but more lows then highs unfortunately. i have a weird feeling to cut, i cant, gotta be strong. its been 3 weeks why break? idk i thought i was doing so well. i was wrong. i fake it too well. now here i am falling apart. im becoming me. and its showing. my wall is tearing down. im becoming uncovered. idk what i want, god im crazy. im so messed up. im losin it. ugh why? me? ugh. sad? lonely? happy? together? mad? slow? fast? nice? a *****? idk what i am. […]
ugh, why? i have noticed i can talk and become friends with anyone online two of my best friends i met on SP. no they live to far to hang out but still. if i could meet everyone from online i wouldnt have many social issues, online i seem to know a lot and say things i probably wouldnt say to their face probably just “ok sorry” or “yeah uh huh” i wish life was hidden behind a screen im finding a lot easier to talk and meet people this way. i hate meeting face-to-face. probably in fear of rejection.
anyone else like me?
i think the title says it all:/
ok second good day in a row. XD lovin it. but there is always something to effect me.
highs: 1) bf is making huge effort in talkin to me and all the sweet things r back (lets c how long it lasts)
2) parents r acting a little nicer
3) sister isnt punching me as much
4) im able to sleep more
5) im mainly smiling til a flashback hits me but i do my best to deal with it
lows: 1) dad still causes arguement; but makes it shorter
2) mom is still a bit strict
3) sister wont leave me alone
4) my […]
so a few days ago. i here from my ex who ignored me for over a month. this is kinda secret since were a long distance thing, my parents say its not healthy to talk to him, well fuck u. so they took my itouch and cell away for either a looooong while or forever. so there goes private contact, so then we start e-mailing and after a week he ignores me for over a month, then wednesday im sure it was he e-mailed me. i was soo happy. then it wet to silence again. well earlier i was home for 7 hrs watching […]
maybe, i think i finally had a good day. yes i had things push me down but for once i took my mind off the negatives and soaked up some sun and had fun today. yeah finally a good day XD
dude, wtf. i dont give hell if u had a gf when u asked this i just know it was TRUE! u snuck me upstairs when i was at ur place, to talk privately, u asked me why had my phone taken away i told u, and u said uve done the same thing and neva gotten caught. ok? i tell u bout my depression, u were passive bout it. well it was the 1st time we actually carried on a conversation. then u started saying i was pretty, nice, and then u asked to have sex. well i said NO. i told ur roomate […]
u say u love me more then ur life
u say im the girl u will eventually mary
u say u will never forget me
u say im the best gf u have eva had
u say how strong ur love for me is
u say im beautiful
u say u would do anything for me
til u decided im worth nothing cuz now i got my phone and ipod taken away 4ever u want NOTHING to do with me. u say if we cant text or call there is no point in making an effort.
WHY did u say all those things […]
i was so close. so close. my evil sister told my mom that the past few days i have been overdosing (she knows everything bout me) my mom went into a flip attack and started screaming at me other shit i was so hurt my sister told more hurt my knew before i left the earth. she was contemplating letting it go or taking me to the hospital. she chose hospital. ha i got out of that, thank god. now im in trouble. like lots of trouble. i want away and out of my family im fed up qith them, they parent based on […]
yeah im pretty sure, he got what he wanted back, now i dont think he needs me anymore. im stuck in hell alone i guess.
i am, its true. you are ALWAYS here for me, when im to fucked, to even think. promise after promise i make to u saying i will not attempt suicide, i will quit cutting, and in a week i will stop taking pills for the hell of it. honestly, im sorry, idk why i make promises i cant keep. i try but my mind out rules me. everytime. im terrified, i dont deserve a friend as AMAZING as u, im scared u will finally understand that, and leave. im still ALWAYS and FOREVER will be here for u. u can tell me ANYTHING. but again […]
thursday night: the night i decided both on dying and living, my urge to die has lessened. my will to live is not good. so where should i go? i cant leave. i cant live either. why do i care so much. why should i care? well, cuz the thursday night when everything went downhill, i wasnt alone. i had my best friend. sorta. i could tell every message i got from him, he was hurt. cuz i was nearly on may way out of this crazy fucked world. i was scared, scared what he might do if my attempt succeeded, and scared what will […]
lately, my mind has been on its own. what i want is not what it wants. i want to be happy, carefree, an no longer adding heart ache to others cuz of my complaining. i want to be the one that people go to. i want to be the one everyone talks bout in a positive way. i want to say im not depressed. i want this and that but my mind is addicted. addicted to the sadness ive felt for so long. it always thinks negatively either upsetting my friends or causing harm to myself, sometimes its both. i wish to wake up one […]
it brought terror and fear, i dont get it. i WANT to die and i acted on it last night, but once everything went down hill i knew maybe death isnt the answer to life’s problems? it started with a headache i ignored it, i felt sharp stabbing pains going all down my back, everytime i stood up i was to weak and the pain was to annoying to just keep moving so i’d stand up and fall to my knees and rest this scared me. then i gave up attempting to walk let alone stand, so i just layed in bed then i started […]
i know its time to check out of the world, but i found out whats holding me back. people, actual people who i know truly care, i dont want to let them go i wanna hold onto them neverlet them go cuz for me its rare to find someone who loves me for me and befriends me to have fun in each others company not to trick me into hurting me along the road. i never wanna see these friends to leave me and i dont leave them. i know this is when im supposed to die. i just took half a bottle of […]
not to kill me but to save me, i wish i had such thing but i have no motivation, i was so close yesterday but backed down yet again:/ i can think of reasons to actually do it, yet that damn whatever keeps pulling me back to fuckin earth, and no reason to save me whats the point to keep going? there isnt one, not one. im a disappointment to my WHOLE family, there isnt a light at the end of this tunnel its a tunnel of eternal darkness every step i make its ganna just stretch and stretch and never will i find my […]