Once you become genuinely suicidal, is there ever any going back? Is there anyone who ever sinks that deep and is able to come out of it and put suicide behind them for the rest of their days?
At a certain point, I think you have to admit that you’re never not going to be suicidal.
I decided that I’m going to end it and made peace with this. There just isn’t any point in continuing when every day is filled with constant emotional and physical pain. I held on as long as I could but every day just gets more and more difficult, and I simply just don’t care anymore. Time to pull the plug.
I’ve decided I will get a long length of rope from Home Depot and hang myself with it by tying it off to the Burrard Street bridge in Vancouver and jumping off. A good length will ensure that my neck snaps immediately and it should just […]
That’s what I’ve decided to give myself. I’ve got until the end of April to turn things around or I’m calling it quits.
I haven’t had any significant work in 8 months now and while I’m still waiting to hear back about a couple longer term contracts, I’m completely out of money so if I don’t get these, I can’t go on living. I can’t even just go get a regular Joe job either because of my physical disability.
So that’s it. End of this month I’m giving notice for my place and all of April is basically going to be an Everything Must Go Fire sale. […]
Every time I think about calling a suicide hotline I stop myself because I’m overwhelmed by the concept of having to explain my life to a total stranger. It seems like the first 3 hours would be spent just catching them up. Why bother?
I feel like I’ve exhausted the people I can talk to. I’m just boring people with my suicidal state now and I’m scared of driving people away.
I talk to friends. I rant on social media. I feel like I’m just wasting time talking to volunteers of hotlines. I post here. None of it makes me feel better or is cathartic in any way. It’s just something to do because my brain won’t let me do anything else.
Fuck me.
More and more these days I’m overwhelmed by just an omnipresent sadness that coats everything. Even my stock answers to “how are you doing?” can’t even mask my intense sadness as people realize I really mean the opposite of what I’m saying. Most times during the day I’ll just find myself uncontrollably tearing up. I’m not upset or distraught, more just a resigned moroseness that in itself is defeatist and depressing.
Even my daughter comes and hugs me several times a day just to remind me how much she loves me because she can sense my complete lack of joy.
I don’t know how much longer I […]
I have an event to go to on Tuesday and it’s kind of a big deal. I’m getting an award. But my producing partner just had her marriage of 10 years blow up and instantly started jumping into rebound sex with some actor who she plans to take to the red carpet event.
I should mention that she’s pretty damn attractive. Tall, thin, blonde, straight… she’s going to look great.
And here I am now not wanting to go because I’m going to be stag, and I’ve never hated my body more than I do right now.
So here I am genuinely looking online to find a non-sexual […]
I almost hate that my daughter loves me so damn much. She makes it so hard for me to leave this world. I’m sure many people read that as a positive thing, but really it’s torture. I often spend so much effort just trying not to resent her for it.
Yup, just what the title says. I’ve started numbing myself with alcohol and how spend more time intoxicated than not. The upside is that settling into an alcoholic reality seems to save me from my addiction of suicidal ideation. I dunno, one seems safer than the other as long as I’m not driving.
Suicidal thoughts are an addiction. It’s a disease. Eventually your brain becomes wired to crave it. It’s like being an alcoholic. You can go the rest of your life never having another drink, but you’ll never stop being an alcoholic and never stop wanting a drink.
I wish I could stop wanting to die. I wish it didn’t occupy my thoughts every day. I’m tired of fighting the addiction.
Last night I had two films I edited screen to a sold out audience of thousands and receive huge accolades. At the after party there was no shortage of people congratulating me and showering me with praise for my work. It was very fulfilling.
And yet, that night when I went to bed and the first thing I thought of in the morning was “I want to die.”
I can’t live like this anymore. It’s exhausting beyond belief and there really is no joy to be had. I swear, I only really got through the after party because of all the drinks I had. In fact, this […]
At this point in my life, I feel like I’m just overwhelmed with sadness. It’s genuinely at a point where I feel like I’m going to cry all the time because I’m just so intensely sad. All the joy of life has been beaten out of me inch by inch over my 41 years.
But it’s hit me really hard recently. My best friend was just dumped by her husband of 10 years for a younger woman, so I’ve been doing what a friend does and being there as much as possible for her. But part of her initial and possibly unhealthy reaction to this has […]
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