I don’t think I can do this. Die. Too much of a coward to take the coward’s way out. But I can’t stay here. Why does this have to be up to me?
Most important decision of my life. And I’m choking.
I heard this and everything went quiet…
Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.
And it’s peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.
And it’s breaking over me,
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.
Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for […]
So I had this plan worked out that this would be my last year. I would take the time to work things out so I could leave on my own terms. I know it sounds dumb. Suicide is supposed to be impulsive in a way; pain building until you can’t take anymore. But I want to make myself into a person worth remembering in a good way first. I know I can’t live much longer, I just don’t want to. I have my up days and my severe depressions and I always come back to the same place – there’s no point in keeping this […]
I miss yesterday. I hate crashing. I’d give anything to feel that good again; I can’t really remember or imagine what it’s like now. I know it wasn’t really real; my circumstances haven’t changed. But today everything’s a different color. Today is just the sick realization that nothing’s going to be okay. If I could just sleep maybe things will be better – I can never predict one hour to the next so maybe…yeah maybe. My down time’s usually a stretch so I think I’m in for the long haul now. Almost 4am. Agitated depression may be my least favorite. I’ve been awake for almost 42 […]
I don’t even know why I’m here right now, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hear nothing but the same everyday, tedious, asinine commentary that hums along relentlessly. I have no one to talk to about anything remotely real or of any interest to me. I don’t care about anything; I just want this to be over. All I’m capable of feeling is misery, zombie-like boredom and some fake short-lived ecstacy . I just have no appreciation for life; absolutely nothing makes me feel genuinely happy. I’ve lived my life in those brief moments, however fleeting, and once I come down I only feel worse […]
I’ve posted a few times over the last little while. I guess this is the only place I’ve ever actually talked about this before. I’m tired. I don’t want to be me anymore. I know that no matter what happens I’ll never want to be. I’ve wanted to die for years and have just kept putting it off because of the microsecond that things started to look up. But it never fails that I will be right back in the hole again. I tired of the panic attacks and the sobbing for no reason and the short bursts of superficial happiness that keep me thinking I […]
Everytime I become comfortable with the fact that I’m eventually going to do this, I realize I’m forgetting one thing: I am in fact, as insignificant as I may feel, leaving people behind who care about me. I’m not so deluded to the point that I don’t understand that what I’m about to do will destroy them. I hate feeling guilty. I hate that they aren’t going to just bounce back. I wish I could just disappear and they could go on as if I had just moved away or we just don’t talk anymore. People are going to miss me. I’ll be able to […]
If I was given one wish. It wouldn’t be one that could make my life better. I know nothing would make a difference. My one wish is quite simple: that I had never been born. I torment myself with the idea that my being here, as huge of an impact as it has had, was a total fluke. If just one microscopic (literally) thing had gone differently, I wouldn’t have to be here right now.
I hate feeling guilty that on paper I have no right to want to die; I’ve experienced no great trials or tragedy to warrant it. I hate that when I say it out […]
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