My previous post was about my saving up but, due to recent events… I’m just going to do what I had in mind quite a few months ago… I am going to go out to the woods, take some pain killers, cut myself up(if that doesn’t work) I’m just going to climb up a tree and hang myself… No one will find my body, no one will care, no one will notice…
My life is just a nightmare that will never stop hurting me…
I have to end my pain… once and for all! :'(
Ghost9er
Well, the title pretty much says it… I plan on saving up my money to get a gun and end it… maybe even take some pain killers while I’m at it so I don’t feel anymore pain as I pull the trigger…
I’m just sick of everything, I’ve been trying for years to keep going, to find reasons to keep going but, I haven’t had any reason to live in my entire life. No one wants me around, no one would ever miss me… and I’ve been told I should just live for myself but, I’m not like that… I’m not selfish, I can’t even think selfishly without it eating away at the core of my soul and twisting and contorting my thought process into madness.
Many will probably comment that I’m a selfish pig that should die already or that I don’t even deserve to exist or something else of that sort… I’ve heard just about all of it… I have been called a “Worthless Piece of Shit!” by my father, ex-step-father, teachers/students, and an ex-co-worker of mine as well… So many have said it, so it must be true, right? So, I am a worthless piece of shit… and that means that I don’t even deserve to exist! I need to be erased… I will be forgotten with time… No one will miss me, no one will love me, no one will care about me, no one will notice either… I just hope it works this time… I’m tired of feeling only pain… it’s all I’ve ever truly felt throughout my years of existing in this world of hate. I have already attempted suicide countless times and no one notices, no one cares, no one wants to help… and I’m always screaming for someone, anyone to help me… but, my pleas always go unanswered and I am always ignored… I just can’t keep going anymore… and I am truly sorry… but, I have lost, and they have won… it is game over for me…
Reasons to ‘opt out’ : no one wants me, no one needs me, I have no purpose, I am hated by my family, every father figure I’ve ever had knew I have to be erased, I’ll never belong anywhere, No one will miss me, I don’t deserve to be called nor classified as human, I don’t deserve to exist, and nothing I do is ever good enough.
Reasons to ‘carry on’ : foolish hope that my poems might get noticed(HIGHLY UNLIKELY!!!) and fear that my 175 poems might get stolen(and that no one will care)
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I should just do the world a favor already and erase myself… and make sure that I don’t fail this time… my 68th time…. :'(
Hanging: about 8
Burning: 5
Drowning: 2
Beating myself: 20
Cutting: 8
Electrocution: 15
Running in Rush Hour traffic: about 10
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Things I haven’t tried: Drugs, alcohol, and firearm.
Drugs(Pain Killers to end the pain)
Alcohol(To drown my misery)
Firearm(To blow my mind)
This was probably my 32nd time trying to end my life… and again I failed… I can never seem to fully break the skin enough to do anything. :'( I just want to do because, no one needs me nor wants me around and I have no purpose nor reason to exist anyway…
I still have a few other ways to try before I officially give up on trying to end my life for good… so far I’ve tried, Hanging, burning, cutting, drowning, electrocution, running in rush hour traffic, and beating myself. And I have done all of these things multiple times… 🙁 And no one ever seems to care that I try to end my life in this ways… Should I keep going? or Should I stop?
all I know, is that I don’t think I can go on much longer…
I’m sorry but, I can’t take it anymore… the nightmares get worse, my family seems to enjoy my suffering and online… things just seem to be getting worse, I can’t take it, I have no means of escaping the pain anymore…
I….. I have to end it all tomorrow, final chance for everything and everyone… Not like it’ll matter…. not like any of them will notice… :'( I’m sorry for not being good enough for you, I hope you find happiness, where I failed to provide you hope. :'( Good bye…. forever. :'(
But, please know, I didn’t want to do this to you, I’m not ending my life because, of you either. I am ending my life because, I cannot take the pain anymore… it never fades nor leaves me alone, it just keeps growing more and more… I have no means of venting anymore either, and so this is my good bye, I really hope you can find happiness with all of your other friends on here. 🙁
I should end my life, tomorrow’s the big day after all… No one will miss me, no one will care, Tomorrow is the only day I’ll have to myself, NO ONE WILL TAKE IT AWAY!
Tomorrow, I die!
Sliced wrists, Downed pills, and a rope around my neck! I’m making sure I die this time! GOOD BYE FOREVER YOU HEARTLESS MONSTERS OF THE WORLD!!!
I simply don’t know how to feel about this anymore… I’ve been planning this for nearly a month now… And now that my time has come, I don’t know if I”m ready… no one from my family would miss me, none of them even care about me. If anything, they hate everything about me, from the sound of my voice to the fact that I exist. I’ve already tried countless times before, why is it that this time seems so much more difficult… I don’t know whats wrong with me anymore… it doesn’t matter though, because, this time I’ve planned the whole thing out, and even have the tools to execute my plan, instead of just grabbing the first thing I think I can use… This time, it has to work… I have to erase myself from existence, I am and have always been nothing more than a mistake!
For nearly a month now, I have lost so many things in a matter of seconds, I never have time to cope with any of it, and I just can’t take the pain anymore as well… Seems like for as long as I can remember all I’ve gotten to feel is pain, pain, pain and more pain… Endless, never ending and unrelenting amounts of pain… It just never stops… it just keeps growing and growing, like an ocean that expands over the land, swallowing all in its path.
There just doesn’t seem to be any reason for me to exist at all anymore, no one wants me around, I have no friends, my family’s hated me for as long as I can remember, I’ve had bullies at every school I’d go to growing up, throughout elementary and high school… nothing but, bullies and teachers that supported the bullies and would punish me for trying to ‘snitch’ on the bullies.
Every waking moment I want to scream “SOMEBODY KILL ME ALREADY!” or “SOMEBODY WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!!” But, I know that this nightmare, this hell, is all I have for a life… And there doesn’t seem to be a ghost of a whisper that cares about any of it… Why do I even bother going on when no one wants me… it just doesn’t make any sense, I have no purpose, I have no friend, nor someone to talk to, all I have is the pain that hurts my heart every moment of my life.
Dear,
Whomever is reading this, I have planned out my demise for nearly a month now, it took careful planning as well and I may add more to it, just to be sure. I cannot fail this time! I already have the items required to finally end my pain, forever. You, the reader of this final note of my existence will know, that I have not only hung myself but, have slashed my arms and drank some pills. I wanted to be sure of my demise. My reason for my untimely death is the pain that I couldn’t handle anymore.
For you see, ever since birth, I was hated and was constantly subjected to formalities of torture. I’d be beaten by my father to the point I couldn’t see straight from either the tears pouring from my eyes, or the possibly black eye’s he’d given me, but, I’d always get dragged off by my mother and locked inside my room… I’d often blindly knock at the door hoping someone would save me, hold me, tell me that everything will be okay. But, it was pure foolishness to think that I could ever be loved by my parents. And yet, they loved and adored my sister… They cared for her, cherished her, gave her whatever she wanted, whenever she requested it… and then there was me, the shadow that existed without notice. For years, I’d tried fighting tooth and nail to please my parents… I’d even driven myself into madness, trying everything I could think of, get good grades, study till I was functioning like a robot, often somewhat starve myself studying so much, trying to become perfect… trying to find a way to make them proud of me… but, it was always to no avail, nothing I’d ever done was good enough. At school I’d suffer by the bullies and teachers that hated me and seemed to like the bullies who’d constantly chase me down, call me names, and want to hurt me, and at home, my father would beat me… practically every day I’d get a daily dose of beatings from my father, tears from my eyes, and locked door slamming me in the face by my mother… added into the mix along with a broken heart. I couldn’t take it, I’d always cry myself to sleep, clinching my pillow and praying and asking god, “Why? Why do I suffer so? What have I done so wrong that I deserve all this pain? Please, tell me what I did wrong, I want to repent! but, don’t know what I’ve done wrong, please god, help me!” but, he’d never say a word to me… and I’d cry even more until passing out from exhaustion. My entire childhood was built on all of this alone, until the day my mom left, I remember that day more than any other day in my life that I can remember. It was dark out, and I was just sitting in the living room, when my mom came and said “Get your shoes on, we’re leaving.” Confused at first but, immediately remembered god’s commandment “Honor thy mother and father” I always thought it meant to obey them no matter what, so I got my shoes on and the second I stood up, WHAM! My father slams me to the ground and screams at me “DON’T YOU FU**ING MOVE!” and then he ran after my mom who’d then grabbed my sister and bolted for her jeep, I witnessed everything through the living room window, I was just shocked, terrified, and stricken with a great deal of confusion because, how can I obey both parents demands when they’re opposite… I couldn’t figure it out, so I was frozen with fear, and didn’t move. As soon as she’d put the key in the ignition and started the jeep, my dad slammed a chair right into the windshield, and she quickly drove away… What happened next, was the usual treatment, beatings without any remorse. I don’t remember how long he’d beaten me or anything for that matter, I only remember her driving away, everything else after, is a blank… I think my father returned to the house, to yell at me for hours and beat me even more than usual. I do recall him yelling at me and spitting on me, screaming that all of this was my fault… every day he’d do that though…blame me, I’d gotten so used to him blaming me, that I began to think it was my fault to begin with because, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t obey god’s commandment, and this, was punishment, he knew I’d disobey, and then I thought, all those years of pain, were because, god knew I’d screw up, and all of this is punishment for what I’d do, not for what I’ve done… and ever since that day, when I was 9, I’d thought god punishes the second he knows you’ll do something bad, and he’ll never stop!
Sadly, things got worse, and yes, there is a great deal of things I won’t be telling you, the reader of my final note because, I don’t want to hurt your heart anymore than I already have by sharing with you, the reader, moments of my life, true, I have suffered tremendously, but, know that this is the happiest moment of my life, my death. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday because, I loved dressing up. I’m sorry if you believe I’m a devil worshiper or something like that because, I like Halloween but, I’m not. You’ll probably notice that I have a bible with me in my moments of death, along with a cross around my neck. You might not like me but, I care for everyone, I want you, the finder of my body, to have my necklace, may it bring you hope in the darkest of hours of you life, as it had for me, it brought hope to me when I felt as though there was none but, for me, hope wasn’t enough. And I do hope that it will bring you closer to god, for it was his will that you’d found me. Please forgive me, and I pray god would have mercy on my damaged soul.
Throughout my life I have been hated,
despite my efforts of approval of others.
Pushing myself beyond my limitations,
it was never enough, not even for my parents.
Abused, and bullied, I was never loved nor needed.
Rented to mental hospitals,
only to be tortured and experimented on.
No memories of happiness are inside my head,
only frequent reminders of hate.
No friends or moments of joy nor compassion.
Nothing to live for, no hope, no dreams, no desires.
I have nothing in my wake and even in my sleep,
the nightmares are there to hurt me more.
I end my life on this promising note.
I shall end the nightmares,
I shall end the pain,
I shall end the suffering,
I shall stop caring anymore.
Forever gone from this world, I shall be,
For once, I will be at peace with heavenly tranquility.
I have tried endlessly,
failing constantly.
I am a disappointment to my family,
a terrible failure.
No matter how hard I try,
it’s never enough.
I punish myself constantly pushing further,
and still not approved.
I have endured a great deal of suffering,
to please my family,
and still not enough.
Having been burned, bruised, and strictly damaged,
all in the name of making them happy.
But, it is never enough for those fiends.
They take whatever they can out of me,
drain me till I am weakened and broken.
Just to destroy me more,
They have no heart towards me.
Caring not of what happens to my being.
I cry in the night,
in hopes of eternal peace.
Sadly, no tranquility transcends,
and I suffer ever greatly more.
The pain has begun to flow in my veins,
I cannot take it much more.
Countless times I try to be perfect,
not good enough, I am always told.
Pushing myself to my limits and beyond,
harming my mind, body and spirit.
And the quality of my efforts are to no avail.
As if being spat in the face for trying so hard,
the memories of defeat are burned deep.
Never fading away the pain grows more,
like an cup flowing with water.
Endless, the water grows,
my efforts of approval shall never be enough.
For this is why,
I say to you all,
my final Goodbye.
Dysfunctional in modern society, I do not belong anywhere.
Darkness has consumed my outlook on life,
and I cannot see any hope.
Despair has taken a liking to me, causing pain inside my being.
The suffering tortures me as it flows in my veins,
damaging every molecule and fiber of my existence.
Twitches are the result,
along with violent tremors,
all of which are noticeable.
Names are called upon me,
strong and power they pierce my feelings.
Making my emotions bleed in the shadows of torture.
Endlessly I hope for an end, but no one stops.
Like walking on pins and needles,
there is no limit to this parasite.
I have come to call this thing by 3 difficult names,
Depression, Anxiety, and Schizophrenia.
And they are all thanks to the life I was forced to live growing up.
I’m sick of feeling nothing but pain… Tired of feeling the pain flow inside my head, echoing voices of a constant repeat of words of sharpened steel that have pierced my heart.
I am unwanted in this world, I am hated by many, and have no purpose in this life… I need to be erased, for I am… nothing more than a mistake!
Chased down like a deer during hunting season,
I’ve outran them before.
Having moved to a new town,
to start a new life,
quickly shifted back to the old ways.
With the same rules,
and new means of being bullied.
Their words pierce, stab and cut me.
Battered and bruised my mind is,
thanks to the poison they’ve struck my soul with.
The void in my soul buries deeper each day,
even though I am older now.
I learned to adapt to the pain but, it still hurts me.
Their words return constantly,
reminding me of how worthless I am.
Suicide attempts were an outlet,
because, I had no one.
No friends, and no family to turn to,
when I needed someone most.
I’ve tried to hang myself in the garage,
burning myself with a lighter,
electrocuting myself with the outlet,
cutting my wrists as well.
And yet, I am still here, suffering.
I wish I knew why no one wanted to help someone so broken.
Maybe it’s because, I’d fake my happiness so no one would worry.
I cared for others before myself as much as possible,
I didn’t want anyone to worry about me,
so, I suffered.
As time passed, I still feel that dark void in my heart and soul.
The bleeding feeling,
that I’m losing more of myself in the darkness of despair.
Encased by the eternal pain I have endured since my first memories.
My very first bully, was sadly, my own abusive father and mother.
Besides feeling endless amounts of pain,
I have felt alienated by all.
Are my attempts to end myself justified? I don’t know.
But, I still wish to be no more,
in this world of hatred.
My first memory was when I was three, I was in a store and running from my father, I had this little pony tail, and my dad grabbed it and pulled me back, slamming the back of my head onto the ground. I don’t remember anything after that… and then the next memory I remember is when I was at this “Mental Hospital” I was about 5 years old, and had just woken up inside this room, there was no padding, there was a vinyl floor, everything was white or close to it, there was no toilet, no sink, no bed, no cot, no pillow, nothing, except for a door with a metal covering over where a knob or handle would be, a mirror that was obviously a window so the doctors could watch you, and a skylight above. I remember asking at the door “I have to pee” And then I heard a crudely angered voice reply back with “Go in the Corner!” so I did, and then laid back down and went back to sleep. I don’t remember what happened next though.
So, growing up was very difficult for me, with all that I’d been through already being nothing more than a fraction. From what I remember growing up, nothing I ever did was good enough. I was a straight A student and did whatever it took to get straight A+’s. I remember one time, I cried to my teacher about getting a B+ and begged and pleaded for some way to get the grade to go up. I remember my teacher laughing a bit and saying, “I wish I had more students like you”.
The thing was that I was obsessed with pleasing my parents, but nothing was enough. During Recess I would be chased down by bullies. I could always outrun them, and I always thought of it as a fun little game of tag— only I knew what would happen if they would’ve caught me…
After School, I’d go home. My parents were always fighting. I never knew why they did that or why afterwards my father would beat me for listening in on them out of curiosity… My memory is a bit damaged from being beaten by my father so many times.
My mother however used a wooden paddle, similar to a tennis racket. I’d then go to my room crying and would think to myself as I’d slowly cry myself to sleep, “Why do I deserve this? Is this punishment for what I will do and have done? Do I not deserve to exist? Does god hate me? Do I deserve to exist?”
These thoughts ran through my mind very frequently growing up, and it only progressed and got worse. But on top of dealing with those thoughts and the bullies, my parents would often send me to “Mental Hospitals”. There, I was as I would put it, “tortured and experimented on”, I remember the food always tasting odd, same as the drinks provided. I distinctively remember one of the places—who knows how many of those dreadful places I’d been sent to—where my mom actually came to visit me for once. I’ll never forget the look on her face, nor her first few words to me. She said, “You look like a **** zombie.” I was never allowed to look into a mirror, so I had no idea what I looked like. She then said, “You’re drooling,” and handed me a napkin to wipe my face. She then stormed off and demanded I be released. She took me away from that place, and when I got into her vehicle, I remember looking into the mirror for the first time in what felt like months—and she was right. I had bags under my eyes, purplish-blue cracked lips, pale skin, and my hair was a mess. I don’t remember much after that. I don’t even remember how old I was when that happened.
My parents were always hard on me but, my sister, however, I remember them loving her greatly, putting her in beauty pageants, singing competitions. I was ignored, shut out, practically sealed away, and unwanted. My parents spent so much time with her that they never noticed me when I needed it most. I remember going up to my parents many times humbly wanting to just talk about some bad things that’d been happening to me, about these monsters I’d been seeing in the darkness, about my nightmares, about the bullies, but they’d yell at me to go away, scream at me, and fairly often beat me for wanting to talk to them.
And on one terrible night, I was sitting in the living room, my sister was in her room practicing her singing I believe, and I started to hear my parents arguing again. Then my mom storms into the living room and says, “Get your shoes on, we’re leaving.” As soon as I got my shoes on and stood up, my father slams me to the ground and screams, “Don’t you **** move!”, and then runs after my mom, who then grabs my sister and runs. My dad chased them out of the house with a chair. I looked outside the living room window and witnessed my dad slam the chair into the windshield, and my mom quickly drove away. I was about nine years old when this happened. I was very religious, and believed that honoring meant you obeyed, and one of the Ten Commandments is “Honor thy mother and father.” I didn’t know what to do when my father yelled at me to not move after my mom told me to go with her. I was very conflicted and fearful, and all I could do was witness the brutality of what had happened out of fear and confusion.
I remember being beaten a LOT that night, and being yelled at by my father that it was my fault mom left, and that she left us because of me. He constantly reminded me and installed it into my head that mom abandoned us because of me, because I wasn’t good enough, because I wasn’t normal, because I didn’t do good enough in school, because I didn’t do my chores all the time… The list goes on.
That night, when I was in my room, I remember crying in the floor. I begged for god to kill me, and I waited still crying, hoping for some kind of sign, anything, something, but there was nothing. Then I asked for Satan to kill me, and I cried waiting. Still nothing happened. I then went into my bed and cried even more and wondered why both ignored me. Did they both enjoy seeing me suffer? Did no one want me? Was I truly so undesirable that neither god nor the devil wanted me? I wondered about that and cried about that until I eventually passed out.
I remember one time when I went to school with bruises all over my legs. I remember being asked by a teacher, “What happened to your legs?” I said, “I fell down the stairs,” lied out of fear of what my father would do to me and the teacher if I spoke about what really happened. I was afraid he’d kill her and then torture me. About a year or two passed and the abuse kind of slowed down, but it was still constant. I don’t quite remember when or how, but eventually he got my sister too. I didn’t question it because I was and still am absolutely terrified of my father.
I tried being perfect for everyone but, always fell short, nothing I did was ever enough, even when I’d drive myself beyond insanity trying to be perfect, it just was never enough. I started realizing that no one will ever love me thanks to my mom having had abandoned me to face my overly abusive father alone, unwanted, and always getting used as a punching bag, I hated myself more and more because, I believed that my suffering was punishment from god, for things I have done and will do. And after years of my father beating into my skull that it was my fault that mom left, I couldn’t take it, and I cried praying for god to kill me, and he ignored me. I cried even more and asked for the devil to kill me, and he too ignored me as well, I cried myself to sleep that night like I usually did. I’d always wake to the sounds muttering inside my head of things everyone has said to me… but, no one cared, my parents, before they split, they’d rent me to mental hospital, sure no one’s going to believe a word of this, no one ever listens to the loner psycho kid that was practically born into pain and nothing else! I’ve tried about 30 times already… but, this Halloween, will be my final, it’s only fitting that I finally end my life on my favorite holiday. Will it ruin it for anyone? HELL NO! because, no one cares, no one wants me around, no one loves me, so, why not? I’ve already tried electrocuting myself for years, I thought it was fun to soak my hand and hold it against the electrical socket, sometimes I’d try to jam my fingers into it, hoping it’d zap my heart and kill me, I remember one time I even tried sticking metal into the outlet, hoping it’d kill me… but, it didn’t work. I’ve tried to burn myself only a small amount of times, the smell of burnt hair bothered me too much, not like anyone cares…. I’ve tried to hang myself but, the rope was usually too long, or I’d not tie the knot good enough, or simply the jump wasn’t high enough… I’ve even tried cutting but, I can never break the skin… I’m not strong enough to cut. but, I have tried to drown myself but, only twice because, it takes too long. I remember when I was little I’d run in the middle of Stelzer Road in Columbus, and hope someone would drive by and WHAM! but, it never happened… I know this final note of mine is long but, everyone deserves to know the TRUTH! My parents, aren’t at all who everyone see’s them as… My mom verbally abuses me every waking moment it seems, and if it isn’t her it’s my sister, as for my father, he left plenty of memories of constant pain for me to grow remembering… endlessly… I remember one time I was asked by a teacher about the bruises all over my legs, they were green, purple, blue and grey, and sometimes black… always in blotches and spots though… like camouflage… I lied to them and said I’d fallen down the stairs, I said that because, I was afraid of what my father would’ve done if I’d told the truth… After my death, I hope they both get locked up in mental hospitals along with my sister… but, because, of how I am, this makes me hate myself even more, the fact that I’d want them to live the pain I’d lived, actually hurts me inside, and I just can’t seem to stop feeling these tidal waves of endless pain that never go away and just grow and grow. And this is why I’ve got to kill myself, because, if I drown in the pain, this thing inside my head… my inner-demon or monster, or whatever you want to call it, this thing has been clawing, digging and itching for freedom but, I try my best to keep it caged… but, it’s never enough, and so, I am going to be killing myself, let it be know it is because, of my abusive family, the bullies at schools I’d attended when I was growing up, the teachers that’d either turn a blind eye or defend the bullies and punish me instead, and the ex-co-workers that I’d worked with that’d push me around constantly and harass me practically every waking moment when I was with them! Good bye everyone, I know I won’t be missed.
P.s. There is a great deal of other things, I did not mention because, it is pointless, especially since no one will ever believe me and only listen to those that they see as ‘perfect’