I tried being perfect for everyone but, always fell short, nothing I did was ever enough, even when I’d drive myself beyond insanity trying to be perfect, it just was never enough. I started realizing that no one will ever love me thanks to my mom having had abandoned me to face my overly abusive father alone, unwanted, and always getting used as a punching bag, I hated myself more and more because, I believed that my suffering was punishment from god, for things I have done and will do. And after years of my father beating into my skull that it was my fault that mom left, I couldn’t take it, and I cried praying for god to kill me, and he ignored me. I cried even more and asked for the devil to kill me, and he too ignored me as well, I cried myself to sleep that night like I usually did. I’d always wake to the sounds muttering inside my head of things everyone has said to me… but, no one cared, my parents, before they split, they’d rent me to mental hospital, sure no one’s going to believe a word of this, no one ever listens to the loner psycho kid that was practically born into pain and nothing else! I’ve tried about 30 times already… but, this Halloween, will be my final, it’s only fitting that I finally end my life on my favorite holiday. Will it ruin it for anyone? HELL NO! because, no one cares, no one wants me around, no one loves me, so, why not? I’ve already tried electrocuting myself for years, I thought it was fun to soak my hand and hold it against the electrical socket, sometimes I’d try to jam my fingers into it, hoping it’d zap my heart and kill me, I remember one time I even tried sticking metal into the outlet, hoping it’d kill me… but, it didn’t work. I’ve tried to burn myself only a small amount of times, the smell of burnt hair bothered me too much, not like anyone cares…. I’ve tried to hang myself but, the rope was usually too long, or I’d not tie the knot good enough, or simply the jump wasn’t high enough… I’ve even tried cutting but, I can never break the skin… I’m not strong enough to cut. but, I have tried to drown myself but, only twice because, it takes too long. I remember when I was little I’d run in the middle of Stelzer Road in Columbus, and hope someone would drive by and WHAM! but, it never happened… I know this final note of mine is long but, everyone deserves to know the TRUTH! My parents, aren’t at all who everyone see’s them as… My mom verbally abuses me every waking moment it seems, and if it isn’t her it’s my sister, as for my father, he left plenty of memories of constant pain for me to grow remembering… endlessly… I remember one time I was asked by a teacher about the bruises all over my legs, they were green, purple, blue and grey, and sometimes black… always in blotches and spots though… like camouflage… I lied to them and said I’d fallen down the stairs, I said that because, I was afraid of what my father would’ve done if I’d told the truth… After my death, I hope they both get locked up in mental hospitals along with my sister… but, because, of how I am, this makes me hate myself even more, the fact that I’d want them to live the pain I’d lived, actually hurts me inside, and I just can’t seem to stop feeling these tidal waves of endless pain that never go away and just grow and grow. And this is why I’ve got to kill myself, because, if I drown in the pain, this thing inside my head… my inner-demon or monster, or whatever you want to call it, this thing has been clawing, digging and itching for freedom but, I try my best to keep it caged… but, it’s never enough, and so, I am going to be killing myself, let it be know it is because, of my abusive family, the bullies at schools I’d attended when I was growing up, the teachers that’d either turn a blind eye or defend the bullies and punish me instead, and the ex-co-workers that I’d worked with that’d push me around constantly and harass me practically every waking moment when I was with them! Good bye everyone, I know I won’t be missed.
P.s. There is a great deal of other things, I did not mention because, it is pointless, especially since no one will ever believe me and only listen to those that they see as ‘perfect’