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My Suicide Note

by Ghost9er

I tried being perfect for everyone but, always fell short, nothing I did was ever enough, even when I’d drive myself beyond insanity trying to be perfect, it just was never enough. I started realizing that no one will ever love me thanks to my mom having had abandoned me to face my overly abusive father alone, unwanted, and always getting used as a punching bag, I hated myself more and more because, I believed that my suffering was punishment from god, for things I have done and will do. And after years of my father beating into my skull that it was my fault that mom left, I couldn’t take it, and I cried praying for god to kill me, and he ignored me. I cried even more and asked for the devil to kill me, and he too ignored me as well, I cried myself to sleep that night like I usually did. I’d always wake to the sounds muttering inside my head of things everyone has said to me… but, no one cared, my parents, before they split, they’d rent me to mental hospital, sure no one’s going to believe a word of this, no one ever listens to the loner psycho kid that was practically born into pain and nothing else! I’ve tried about 30 times already… but, this Halloween, will be my final, it’s only fitting that I finally end my life on my favorite holiday. Will it ruin it for anyone? HELL NO! because, no one cares, no one wants me around, no one loves me, so, why not? I’ve already tried electrocuting myself for years, I thought it was fun to soak my hand and hold it against the electrical socket, sometimes I’d try to jam my fingers into it, hoping it’d zap my heart and kill me, I remember one time I even tried sticking metal into the outlet, hoping it’d kill me… but, it didn’t work. I’ve tried to burn myself only a small amount of times, the smell of burnt hair bothered me too much, not like anyone cares…. I’ve tried to hang myself but, the rope was usually too long, or I’d not tie the knot good enough, or simply the jump wasn’t high enough… I’ve even tried cutting but, I can never break the skin… I’m not strong enough to cut. but, I have tried to drown myself but, only twice because, it takes too long. I remember when I was little I’d run in the middle of Stelzer Road in Columbus, and hope someone would drive by and WHAM! but, it never happened… I know this final note of mine is long but, everyone deserves to know the TRUTH! My parents, aren’t at all who everyone see’s them as… My mom verbally abuses me every waking moment it seems, and if it isn’t her it’s my sister, as for my father, he left plenty of memories of constant pain for me to grow remembering… endlessly… I remember one time I was asked by a teacher about the bruises all over my legs, they were green, purple, blue and grey, and sometimes black… always in blotches and spots though… like camouflage… I lied to them and said I’d fallen down the stairs, I said that because, I was afraid of what my father would’ve done if I’d told the truth… After my death, I hope they both get locked up in mental hospitals along with my sister… but, because, of how I am, this makes me hate myself even more, the fact that I’d want them to live the pain I’d lived, actually hurts me inside, and I just can’t seem to stop feeling these tidal waves of endless pain that never go away and just grow and grow. And this is why I’ve got to kill myself, because, if I drown in the pain, this thing inside my head… my inner-demon or monster, or whatever you want to call it, this thing has been clawing, digging and itching for freedom but, I try my best to keep it caged… but, it’s never enough, and so, I am going to be killing myself, let it be know it is because, of my abusive family, the bullies at schools I’d attended when I was growing up, the teachers that’d either turn a blind eye or defend the bullies and punish me instead, and the ex-co-workers that I’d worked with that’d push me around constantly and harass me practically every waking moment when I was with them! Good bye everyone, I know I won’t be missed.

P.s. There is a great deal of other things, I did not mention because, it is pointless, especially since no one will ever believe me and only listen to those that they see as ‘perfect’

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numacalcadotro 10/14/2014 - 3:32 am

So your problems are only related to verbal attacks and abuse, nothing more it seems. OK, you need to learn that the MAJORITY of people are assholes and they live on this planet just to turn oxygen into CO2 and food into excrement. You need to stop caring about what the INFERIOR people say to you. Their opinion DOES NOT MATTER to anyone. They talk a lot because of their insecurity and they attack a lot because 1) they have inferiority complexes, or 2) they need to let their frustrations out. None of those losers could do what you did by coming on this site and sharing this with others. You’re better than them. Just stop caring about what losers say. If we cared about what every loser on this Earth said, one of us would have to care for 8-9-10 losers. Understand that not everyone is born the same, and unfortunatelly assholes and stupid people are in a majority. Just stop caring about them, do what you want, whenever you want. Why should you die because of what some losers said ? I don’t understand this, my problems are different. Please educate me – why do you think you’re the one that needs to die because of what some losers said and did ? I really don’t get it…

Ghost9er 10/14/2014 - 8:07 am

:'( When you’ve spent all of your childhood and teen years trying to reach the peak of perfection in every way just to get a smile from your parents and be told “Good Job Son” and it never happens and you just keep suffering more and more and more, and it just never stops! The next thing I’m gonna post is going to be the beginning of my life’s story, I’m curious if anyone’s going to care about it, because, I was going to make it a book but, because, no one cared… I stopped. 🙁 I care about what other people things because, everyone matters, everyone SHOULD have a purpose but, me… I don’t even deserve to exist. And yesterday, my mom call me a “Waste of Space” meaning, I don’t deserve to exist. She said those words to me while I was trying to cut the grass with a pair of tiny scissors because, the lawnmower wouldn’t work, I told her since it’s busted, I’m gonna cut the grass another way… :'( I spent a good couple hours on my hands and knees cutting the grass, only to be verbally abused by her every time she’d come outside! but, I still care about her… and this morning, she woke me up at around 7, yelling that I have dish duty, well, No one else has had dish duty since I had it last time, and it seems that I have constant dish duty, because, my “PERFECT” sister moved back in after leaving her fiancee because, she was sleeping with another guy, and on top of that, he’d sold the wedding ring on her birthday(or so I’d been told) and it all just keeps getting worse… They push me around and treat me like a servant/slave but, I will always care about everyone as much as I can. 🙁 I am already starting to get sick and I can’t take existing like this anymore, I’d move out and run away but, I have nowhere to go, no shelters, no friends, no family… I have no one to turn to, except death! I have tried so many times already that I somewhat question if I even can die by my own hand. 🙁 but, this final time… I’ve planned it out a LOT better than the other times… the other times, I was blinded by painful emotions and everyone’s voice replaying over and over inside my head… I’ve got a date picked out and everything this time, I’m giving them one last chance to stop being so cruel to me, for just this once… :'( but, they just don’t stop, it’s like they deeply enjoy making me feel alienated and hated. :'( is family really supposed to be like this? is it too much to want a loving family…? :'( too much to want peace? :'( is it greedy to want these things? :'(
(Answers to your Questions: 1. Because, I’m unworthy of existence, and all of them seem to repeat the same things about me. 🙁 2. I’m the one that needs to die because, I cannot take the pain anymore and I do not have the heart to hurt them in anyway… 🙁 )

e f f e r v e s c e n t 10/14/2014 - 8:00 pm

Hey. I know I’m a stranger, but, I already know that I care about you. A lot.
I can’t even put how much I care for you into words right now, dear stranger. I don’t think you can understand how deeply I care for you. I am going to ask a favor of you. Please, please, don’t do it. I will miss you.

You are not alone in this. I am here for you. I want to be here for you. Though it feels like a lie, the way you’re feeling right now will change, but only if you do something about it. It feels like the only thing to do – but it isn’t. Please. Don’t do it. I’m begging you. I really care about you. You may be a very intelligent person, but there’s one thing that you’re wrong about. Because you are NOT worthless. You are not a horrible person. You are not, you are not whatever horrible thing you think of yourself as. The thing is, you can’t see that. I know it’s hard.
You are on this planet for a reason, but you just can’t see it. I can barely fathom the amount of pain that you are going through, but I’m asking you to hold on. Can you do it for me? You are going through an immense amount of pain, I know. Even the strongest people fall. You’ve made it this far, though. I’m here for you. Your life is important to me.

Do you know why you’re reading this?
You’re still here because you don’t want to die. I don’t want you to die.
There’s that spark of life, that will, still there. I want it to become a flame, an inferno.

Please, contact me at awildusernameappears.deviantart.com as soon as possible, and I will reply to you as soon as time allows. I care about you and I want to help.

You are special, awesome, cared about, and important. Don’t you dare hurt yourself. <3

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