Author

Grimhild

they/she / In my 20s / I don't want to give too much information that would identify who I am. I like my anonymity, because I'm a very anxious and agoraphobic person. Being perceived is terrifying.

It seems like it won’t get better for me

by Grimhild 4/25/2022

written by Grimhild

I think I was just doomed from the start.

This society doesn’t want people like me, it prefers that I’d die. I’m gay and transgender, so I’m already a target for horrible people to take their frustrations out on. I’m too disabled to work, but the government won’t give me Disability. Even if they did, it’s not enough to survive on. I’m not good enough at art, music, or writing to make a living off of it. Streaming is too tiring with my depression and chronic pain. I’ve tried to get a remote job despite my disability, but I’ve only gotten scams. I’m running out of […]

4/25/2022 0 comment

by Grimhild 8/8/2021

written by Grimhild

it’s all just getting worse. it’s been a downhill spiral for so many years.

every single time i think something’s going to get better, even just a little bit, i’m slapped in the face and things get worse. it doesn’t matter if i hope a little or a lot for things to get better, or if it seems like there’s a way out – i try to take that way and i only fall further downhill.

i can’t afford to live. no one will hire me. i can’t do physical jobs because of my disability, i can’t handle college, i’m too mentally ill for most jobs, i’ve […]

8/8/2021 3 comments

up and down and stagnant

by Grimhild 7/12/2021

written by Grimhild

I’m either suffering, numb, or I feel somewhat okay. I just alternate depending on how badly my body hurts, if my family gangs up on me, and if I actually have food for the day.

I hate it. It’s the same thing over and over of barely being able to leave my room out of fear. I wanna see my friends because I’m so lonely but they’re all too busy. If I jumped out the window I wouldn’t die but at least something would change. At least they feed you regularly at the hospital.

I just can’t stand being stuck here wondering if I’ll have food today […]

7/12/2021 2 comments

Wasted

by Grimhild 7/7/2021

written by Grimhild

My childhood was nothing but trauma. My teen years were the same. I’m almost 21, and all I’ve had to look back on is wasted years, trauma, and grief. My disability prevented me from enjoying even the decent years.

The worst part is that I’m still experiencing trauma. I’m not even free from my abusive family.

I wonder if I ever will be free from here while I’m still alive.

7/7/2021 2 comments

More and more difficult

by Grimhild 7/1/2021

written by Grimhild

It’s getting more and more difficult to keep going. I’m trying to at least clean my depression mess but I’ll either be set back or I’ll find something that will remind me of a horrible time. It’s not like I’ve had any good period in my life – the majority has been trauma. I’ve had a few friends but the trauma always overshadows everything good in my life.

“Middleschool will be better” and then it’s not, “high-school will be better” and then it’s not, “college will be better” and then it’s not, and I’m unable to continue due to a physical disability that threatened me with […]

7/1/2021 2 comments

Why am I so fucking miserable?

by Grimhild 6/26/2021

written by Grimhild

I love my friends, and they say they love me – but for some reason part of me can’t believe them. I just want their attention – I give so much time to listening to their interests and passions but it feels like when it comes to mine I’m just not listened to.

I should be happy with my friends, I don’t know why I’m so miserable just because my needy ass isn’t getting attention… I’m pathetic.

6/26/2021 5 comments

What’s the point, really?

by Grimhild 6/23/2021

written by Grimhild

I don’t really know why I try, if I’m honest. Before, I thought maybe my creative work wasn’t too bad – but now I think it’s all horrible, right as I’m about to finish a big project. I keep thinking it’s not good enough to show to anyone despite all my work. I’ve told people about how I’m about to finish it, I can’t just pretend that never happened – but I don’t want them to judge it once they see it. It’s all over the place… A mess of work.

Creative work is really all I have. I can’t stand long enough to get hired […]

6/23/2021 3 comments

I’m glad I didn’t

by Grimhild 6/19/2021

written by Grimhild

I’ve been more suicidal than I have in a long time. It’s how I found this website. Earlier, I got close, but I saw my rock collection out of the corner of my eye. I hadn’t looked at it in a long time, and I don’t know what compelled me, but I distracted myself by picking up my rock collection, telling myself things I already knew about some of the rocks. Which ones were sea rocks, which ones probably came from a river, etc.

Somehow this distraction led to me absentmindedly cleaning (a tiny bit of) my huge depression mess, and I found some tiny things. […]

6/19/2021 2 comments

Proper introduction

by Grimhild 6/17/2021

written by Grimhild

My first post wasn’t much of an intro, I really just needed somewhere to scream a bit. Lemme do this again.

You can call me Grimhild, I’m in my early 20s. I go by they/she. I’m doing my best to get by with an undiagnosed physical disability and many diagnosed mental illnesses.

I found this website by mistake. I was idly scrolling through search results, looking for suicide prevention tips, and I found the forum.

I’m not sure how often I’ll post, but I hope to find shelter here.

Nice to meet you all.

6/17/2021 6 comments

rambling

by Grimhild 6/17/2021

written by Grimhild

This is my first post here, so hello. You can call me Grimhild. I’m in my early 20s. This is going to be a bit rambly. I’m very tired because I haven’t slept.

In short, I feel very useless.

I’m trying to get a physical disability diagnosed. I was supposed to sleep so I could get my blood test done, but every time I’m going to get a blood test done I cant sleep until the sun is up, then I pass out and sleep

6/17/2021 3 comments