heartlessviking

I kinda haven’t shared in awhile, haven’t felt valid given that in the grand scheme of things life is “good”, whatever that means. Like I vent a small bit here and there, but I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s actually in my head. Everyone in my real life thinks things are ticking along as planned, and they are, that’s what it’s supposed to look like.

but I still have feelings, unserved thoughts, unserved desires. I really don’t identify with other people…… the isolation is more stark being around people all day every day. Being alone all day again today it’s like, oh yeah, nice to […]

okay. MAYBE I’m catastrophizing. I always feel the need to contextualize that I’m or at least I was a very sick puppy, which means my feelings and perspectives might just be wrong. Yeah. I’m sort of doing better.

Anyway, so me and the state I live in, SPECIFICALLY the people that run it and control it are at opposite ends. I’m a long haired commie liberal who doesn’t have a problem with brown people, and they hate everything about that. Am I being too harsh? Oh, more importantly, I’m pro labor, they are pro business. That gap is the one that we can’t get over.

I mean, […]

all this “knowledge” I’ve stored up, most of it’s fairy tales, magic beans and beanstalks, princesses and dragons.

Like I was talking about the underregulated days of street drugs, which are fairy tales to people my age, under 40, we’ll never know what it’s like to get really hard stuff perfectly legal, or only a little shady. Heck, even illegal you can’t get anything that great anymore, sorry to burst your bubble if you thought you could. Modern stuff ain’t patch on what it was, or so the old timers tell us, we’ll never know will we?

Same goes for alot. Like, almost everything

Retirement. Time was there […]

Part A:

We’re continuing to stress test this thing. IF that wall wasn’t there…….. heh. Let’s just say we should all be glad it is. No particularly dangerous thoughts, I’m able to keep some level of control, externally it looks like I’m pretty well put together.

today though. Work is going nuts, and at the same time, so is everything else. It really started with a flat tire, which turned into my car not being capable of being driven because I need to have a lug nut bolt replaced…… I’ve never heard of this until today…. and I kinda started to crumple after that. Then my backup […]

Right, so for the last however many months Tuesday at 1 PM has been my therapy time. I let my therapist know I didn’t know if I could keep the time, I had to talk to my supervisor. I don’t exactly have a lot of assertiveness in this situation right now.

But things worked out, I got the time off, and I showed up, only to find I had no appointment. The issue ended up being I didn’t have the time or energy to investigate why. My current therapist is moving on, getting a new job out of state, good for her… . but I’m supposed […]

It’s an issue, when you’ve been in therapy over two decades and in behavioral health as a career for more than a decade, you know all the buzz words for self help and trying to change for the better. There are benefits to that, of course, I’m trying to learn to do this, when I identify a flaw, also admit any strength in a thing, try to see the totality and not let negativity or positivity dominate. So I’m also an A+ rationalizer, all the tools to rationalize are right there, and all I have to do is be a little less critical, sounds easy.

Anyway, […]

and maybe this is just for me. I can take a hit. Or at least I’ve been able to for awhile….. but these last few days things have been trending well, and that’s harder to take. Because I’m less accustomed to that.

I’m not downplaying, or taking a victom role or catastrophizing or any of that. This is good news. I got the job. I’m making a good salary, and it really looks like I have a shot at getting caught up on my projects.

I’m also 36 years old, This isn’t my first rodeo, and I’m sorry for the cheesy analogy but I am at the […]

okay, so I got a yes, BUT

it’s dependant on what my last post remembers about me

and my anxiety goes into OVERDRIVE

right, so here’s what’s going on. I got a heads up email earlier today, 3 PM “Are you still interested in the position”

to which I replied that I was

and they said that they needed the names of my previous supervisor and district director. And maybe that sounds like a perfectly okay thing, and not like a sample of my liver when I had a shot of suspect whiskey last night….

but, my last post didn’t end well guys. Essentially I was backed into a corner and […]

weekend has almost past, in about seven hours I will collapse into the bed, and hopefully know nothing until I wake up and it’s Monday, and then there’s potential for news again. People actually show up for work again. It isn’t a holiday (Though apparently the Monday after Easter IS?! FFS, people love their holidays eh?)

so first thing, that interview I went on last Thursday, there’s potential to get news back on that, positive or negative, I’m leaning positive, they need people bad and it seemed like they liked me. Of course I can be wrong.

There are also a lot of other jobs I have […]

I started with the poetry and prose as a warning, if you are the type who has no time for it, most people are, discard it, it’s what it’s there for

Just behind yesterday, it’s where I buried my trauma

I find myself returning, but to a different yesterday, to fresh soil, to bury new victims, does that make me the killer? no, just the undertaker. I didn’t kill them, I only put them to rest.

and the grave digger puts on the foreceps, the stone mason does all the work, I’m an awful plagerist, but no one notices. Or maybe it’s not plagerism, perhaps it’s an homage […]

almost everything else I suggest is suspect. I’m often wrong. My life is not exactly one to be envied. So when I remove all that I know to be false, all that can be doubted, it comes back to this; KBO Keep Buggering On

Apparently Winston Churchill made it famous, my granddad who I’m named after was known to say it (and he fought in the European front of that war, which is probably where he heard it). Keep Buggering On, it’s all any of us can do. I have an interesting challenge in the morning, and if it goes well? I’ll keep buggering on. If […]

never ever say that this is the worst, because life will take it as a challenge. I’ve been suicidal, psychotic, blackout angry, blacout drunk, high, so sick I couldn’t walk and a wide variety of other kinds of fucked up

but life keeps coming up with new. If I wasn’t so pissed and tired I’d be impressed at the creativity. Perhaps there does have to be a creator, can such a screwed up situation as this be created by chance?!

because I’m not suicidal. Not for lack of ability, I certainly could be, if I felt so inclined. Perhaps I will be, what horrors come next, who’s […]

warning; still might be a little under the influence, but this is all I have to say, all I can anticipate having to say, and lubricated is the only way I can say it, so deal, or don’t, We had boys night and shocker, it was what it says on the tin, we drank and ate greasy food and talked about music and bad ideas.

So I spent at least two hours on the road today for this stupid job fair. Two of the companies I wanted to talk to didn’t show up, like how tacky is that? I showed up, drove 65 miles and two […]

I like how this is all past tense, like “oh this used to be a problem”, well wake up, it still is. I dread to inform you that I, what I consider a fairly normal midwestern man have at least ten pockets in my everyday outfit IN SUMMER. In winter it can reach such absurd highs as 30 pockets, 30 pockets is an insane amount of pockets.

I particularly like the point where men are compared to marsupials, because that’s what we are, throughout life we aquire more pockets. It is also an interesting contrast, my wife will often inform me of the issue of not […]

I try for the serenity prayer thing, to take it a day at a time, but really it’s more a week at a time. Because monday through friday, I’m either waiting on applications to come back, or putting them out. and in that regard, it’s been a crap week. Neither of the “warm” leads from last week turned into anything, yet at the very least. I went ahead and shot out a few more apps. Next week I’ve got a job fair midweek, not sure if that’s anything to get excited about, but there it is.

but being unemployed, waiting on applications, fridays suck the worst, […]

The older I get, the more superstitious I realize I am. I buck it, destiny, fate, magical thinking and whatnot. But it’s still there, hiding in the shadows of my mind. I keep wondering if I have bad karma. What’s more superstitious than that?!

my therapist is moving on, in six weeks. This is…….. god do you know I’ve lost count of the amount of therapists I’ve been through? Dozens at least. Two to five a year since 2010, so that averages 3.5, so that’s 49. That’s a guess, or numerology take your pick. And I’ve been varying amounts of upset about each one. I’m kind […]

I really would like to know the source of my current apathy. Is it my pain at having my hopes dashed? Is it the new drug? Is it the lessening of the old drugs? Is it the lack of anything worth engaging with?

I went into this business thinking if I understood others I might understand myself, and I was wrong.

Anyway so I thought I’d try to finish my serial killer book. Got frustrated pretty quickly. The issue is unreliable narrator. Almost immediately after giving the reader a bit of “evidence” the book discounts it, makes it nonsense. The killer is manipulating the investigators, nothings is […]

Bye bye hope

bye bye satisfaction

hello inaction

I wish that I could cry

bye bye hope

bye bye upward climb

welcome back mediocre time

I wish that I could die

goodbye my hope goodbye

I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details

”

Good morning,

We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round […]

seriously, out of nowhere, I get this invite to a webinar, and usually webinars are crap, I have an ongoing invite to one about grad school, ha ha.

but it’s from the state, for a job, and dang it, it’s a job I’d be good at. It’s tomorrow.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Maybe they just sent it out to everyone who filled out an application in the last year. Not too special then, am I? The other end though, maybe I was picked. Either way, we’ll see how bad they want to fill the role.

Seriously tight turnaround though. I can’t imagine that […]

I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.

This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.

What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as […]