heartlessviking

and that’s my open, a big f-you to the concept of holidays. Well wishes of course to people who actually enjoy them, but also, what’s the deal with that?

I hate holidays. It’s like “here’s your only assured day off, also lots expected of you on that day”….. maybe it’s just me? I hear this complaint about Christmas, but I’ve upped my game for dealing with Christmas, I dissassociate from the whole concept for a good two months, celebrate, then go back to dissassociating. So my Christmas really lasts two days, and I can  deal with that.

But it’s July 4th and around here that means it’s […]

I can sum up my entire justification for being as I am in this one clip, because I happen to believe that you can either be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant, and Jimmy Stewart got it right, pleasant is the better way to go

He spends the entire movie in a sort of wonderful indifference to everyone who talks to him, I’d like to be that way, sometimes I succeed.

Harvey is the only movie I know of that’ll always make me smile, and sometimes bask in the silly thought that by being more interested in rabbits than in people, Jimmy Stewart has mastered his […]

So I went to the doctor on Tuesday, the head doctor, only doctor I go to. I got a PA, which is always an adventure. This one was decent, I’m not complaining. Rather, new provider, I’ve got to give her the gist of what’s going on with me. What’s going on with me? Sleep problems, eating problems, a couple severely suicidal moments in the past two weeks. Not particularly suicidal right now, because I’d have to care to be that.

My heart broke for her a bit, she tried to cheer me up,  “Hey I see you got into *prestigious university*, that’s awesome” and I’m like […]

not getting into methods, just some biology about what I understand causes people to die

Everyone dies from lack of oxygen to the brain, be it heart failure (heart stops pumping blood, your brain stops receiving it, vital oxygen deprived and goodbye you), liver failure, kidney failure or systemic infection. Even respiratory distress ultimately comes down to the oxygen not being absorbed in the lungs, so it can’t be provided in sufficient quantities to your brain, and so you die.  Heck, even nervous system damage is not so serious until it ceases to provide the right signals to your lungs and heart, and whichever mechanism leads […]

So, I was ready to go home….. Then the power company pulled the rug out…. Now I am as low as I have been… Doubt sleep will come…… I really want to die RN….. Thinking about waiting until everyone goes to sleep, I can come up with something….. Me being alive is a problem I can solve… Unlike the rest of them

I had worked so hard just to get to holding it together, and now even that was chasing the wind … Mirages… Common to people long in the desert or at sea, Fata morgana as they call it, after Arthurian legend that almost definitely […]

Or is it play stupid games, win stupid prizes?

Fool that I was to mention my relative comfort, life chose to humble me with losing that. Currently 20 hours without power at my house, luckily my parents live close by so I’m holed up there

I hate heat, and of course it’s warm out, my parents keep their house about 13 degrees warmer than mine, and I am without my computer and all the associated comforts…so I’m low on sleep typing this on a god forsaken mobile keyboard….. And really physically and emotionally drained

And this is the second time in a month I’ve felt I made a […]

It’s been bugging me, and now I need input. There’s no motivation at all to get well off past a certain point according to my motivation, and I’m already past that point.

Let me explain, giving as little of my personal details as possible. I come from a family of well off people. My dad’s dad drank away most of their money, but the next generation rebounded. So minimum third generation upper middle class. Both my parents have college degrees. I have spent less than 1% of my life living in rented accommodations. I have a house, two cars, and roughly 5 computers in various states […]

I was watching Frank Zappa perform, thinking about what a genius he was, and that’s not a word I bandy about often. He was at worst a once in a century talent, at best? once in a thousand years? Once in 10,000, but only if we had better musical recordings that old. But he’s dead, he’s been dead for 29 years, 30 in December. Most of my life he’s been dead.

He’s in the pile of people that coexisted with me briefly, but was dead before I was aware of them. I didn’t get around to learning about him until at best 2011,17 years on after […]

I apologize at the outset, for blathering on about my utterly boring and unexceptional situation….. I simply lack anywhere else to go with it… social media is cut off and even if it wasn’t I doubt anyone I knew on there would care. Perhaps it is the same here, but at least my words don’t run away from me at 100 miles an hour…. I wonder how that idiom translates, like to metric countries; 100 kilometers an hour? Seems colder, less emotional.

I’ve been on a quest of sorts, I have a little less than two months until I go back to school. That’s not enough […]

you’ve heard of people who can’t take their liquor, nicotine, THC or coffee perhaps. What I haven’t heard of until it happened to me is someone who couldn’t take social media.

This is 24 hours in the making, I made an initial emotional post about it… which didn’t actually talk about the direction I feel the need to prune in. It was about something I saw on social media, something sufficiently upsetting I won’t be revisiting it. It’s within the black box of a thing I don’t feel safe with in my life anymore; Twitter.

Now this isn’t the first social media I’ve cut out. I cut […]

I’m still in a fair amount of pain, don’t let me lie about that, but finding that others have found dignity in suffering, it makes me hope maybe I will as well. I’ve been holding onto this song for a few days, but it really takes an approach I like. Particularly “what does this rotten old society have to do with me?”, That sort of unabashed knowing one has fallen, but not taking shame in it, rather mocking those who are so easily placated.

The second one needs less introduction, just “those without dreams don’t get sad”…. which is my current life philosophy; hoping in things […]

Lately I’ve been heavy on the escapism, looking at how it is elsewhere. I guess the hope is that it makes me grateful, and I am, or at least I’m trying.

but I can’t get over how screwed up it all is, how I don’t deserve to have it as good as I do…. everywhere I look the story is the same; rich jerks sucking up all the resources to live the high life, middle class people barely scraping by, and the working poor…… starving, having buildings collapse on them, being the victims of natural and man made disasters.

I’ve spent so long getting therapy for depression […]

I cannot recommend Warren Zevon strongly enough, his music has done more to make a dent in my depression than several therapists and medications. Anyway had to get up early for an appointment and this song helped get me moving. Hoping it can do the same for someone else. (though conversely, I would not wish an early appointment on anyone.)

Humbling experience, this whole thing has been, but today was particularly sharp. Remember the metaphor I had going about rebuilding my office and my life? Well this morning was the equal of a heart attack…. the old computer which I was really struggling to let go of froze up. Worse, it happened after I had done a big chunk of cleaning and rearranging, and it causing a deficiency was exactly what I was afraid of… so I kind of lost it, for awhile

What saved me is even more stupid, I just couldn’t afford the meltdown, too much going on, and there’s no support there for […]

This is probably going to be me screaming into the void again. It was always going to be, I thought about screaming it into the void of my actual life… and the part of me that’s a brand manager wasn’t cool with that. I’ll never be a brand manager for anyone but myself, but I’m the only brand manager I can afford. That might be sadder than what I’m here to talk about. Leaving that right there.

but I could have been more than this. Not a lot more, in fact something so sad and awful I never thought I’d regret not being it. I could […]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m essentially non human, because I enjoy it more and more when I get sick. I’m sick right now, in some way involving my sinuses. It might just be an infection caused by allergies, it might be a bacteria or virus. Most of these pass within a few days.

but I tend to fight against being sick for as long as possible, only fully accepting it when I am too tired to deny it anymore.

To quote Elton John;

“There’s a calm surrender
To the rush of day
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can be turned away
An […]

The problem I run into, more than any is an understanding of how futile specific paths are. I know I’m not going to chase a career to meaning, or a relationship, or even having kids. I feel like those are the big ones that most ordinary people go for.

but it keeps going, the litany of pointless destinations. I’m not going to chase a religious philosophy to meaning, and in fact all of religion is created to give a sense of grasping towards meaning, without actually providing any destination. You’ll run that treadmill for as long as you believe that there’s something at the end of […]

I suspect there’s a third path somewhere, as with so many things a simple binary doesn’t capture the complexity of things

but as I feel ambition surging, never have I hated it as much as now. Ambition has cost me so much, so many years, my youth, people precious to me…. and for what? Definitely this wasn’t an outcome I was expecting. I thought I would have achieved more, be admired more. Instead I learned how terrible those desires can be, and that my need to be loved and to love is stronger still than those.

I was reading someone else’s post, where they talked about the […]

I’m trying to shut it out, the real world, the whole ball of wax….. there’s nothing there for me right now anyway.

I keep getting sucked back in, into the drama, into the dopamine high of watching others hurt….. how sick is that? If there’s anything that makes me doubt intelligent design, it’s how humans handle dopamine. We like pain, mostly causing it but some sick folks like feeling it too…. I’ve been in both positions.

So why can’t I just drop it, all the dirt, all the agony and wailing, why isn’t it easier to look away? I’m trying, for what that’s worth. I’ve closed all […]