heartlessviking

I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.

I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s […]

Patience is the hardest thing there is. It’s a commonality within a lot of us. Maybe depression is a rational response, to waiting too long, getting impatient.

but as dangerous, is acting thinking that the waiting is pointless. There’s some kind of counterforce, stealer of dreams, or maybe just a root of ruin in every mind. It says hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…. and it thinks, I could push through, I could make it faster.

The shame, when I was younger and more foolish I gave into it. Trying to be less foolish, less wasteful.

because there will be time enough, in the right time. I wanted […]

Moreso I hate the people who ride them. I just did a ride to downtown and back and it was almost perfect, so close. However, fricken urban renewal, in the middle of the ride I had to pass through the new park. I’m trying to be inclusive and not hate on it, even though it adds a mile of unnecessarily complicated and frustrating trail to what is otherwise an absolutely lovely bit of riding.

I got through the north bound with no problems at all. Lured me into a false sense of security. I thought surely I had seen all the silly things I would see […]

well, after hyping myself up for it, looks like the grocery store is a bust, or at least the one I wanted to work at. Maybe I’ll apply for others, but I’m feeling let down by the whole thing. I wanted to walk into a job, literally, that’s a thing that used to happen.

First, they require people apply online…. what’s the point being a job of last resort if you require as much work as actual good jobs (and I mean work to get, not work on the job). Then they also only had one opening, for overnight. I’m not doing overnight, it’s the one […]

I wasn’t going to post about it, my progress, because up until right about now I felt like it wasn’t significant enough.

However, that’s something I’m working on in therapy, being happy with any progress. Also I think it hit critical mass for being worth heaping praise on.

First thing; I’ve been getting out on my bike more often. Last Monday after my interview I did a little 10 mile stint, today I did 14-15 miles. I was still sore from last week, and that’s the real measure of progress for me (apart from losing weight), my recovery time has been going to pot, and it has […]

It took me about two and a half hours to process the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s a better headspace than last night.

The problem is, I don’t know how to half ass anything. I do it, I’m learning, but it’s always been a challenge. To impress someone, my default is to try really hard. I really wanted to impress the interview yesterday, and I tried harder than I thought I could anymore. That hurt, a lot, pouring that much out, not knowing if it would come to anything.

I did a 10 mile bike ride last night after the interview, and now I’m sore […]

I did my interview today, and I think I did decent. The thing about it, I won’t know for awhile if I did well enough.

I’ve been over it with my wife and father, and they both said I should just keep going, keep looking.

Even though it might be futile. Especially, it seems to me. Panel interviews are tough to begin with, a panel with three cops (one of whom is the chief of police), and a member of city counsel. I’ve never had so many important people looking at me for an hour.

and that’s just it, I’m not important, not yet anyway. Maybe I will […]

My wife woke me this morning telling me that I’m getting worse and so is she. So off we went to urgentcare, which  is still better than the ER or trying to get into our regular doctor on short notice. All the same, uncomfortable chairs, florescent lights and trying to remember every medical detail of my life. The doctor was by telemed, but they did everything else in the clinic.

So bad news part 1; I weigh 250 pounds which is almost the heaviest I’ve ever been. I thought I was at 215, which wasn’t great,  but I didn’t feel bad about it like I do […]

I’ve been wrestling with what it is that bothers me so much about this interview next week. What’s different? I’m way more invested than usual, for one. I’d really like the job.

The thing I realized though, I never once respected my former employers. Not a one of them. All of them were varying degrees of corrupt, and every time it felt like a faustian bargain; You try not to let me find out how corrupt you are, and I’ll try and ignore it.

but I realize now, it’s scary, the idea working for someone who has integrity and ethics. Their criticism would actually land for one. […]

I never thought I’d wax nostalgic for the days of book reports, that I would end up moved enough by a book that reading it wasn’t enough. I keep hoping I can get my creative juices working and write something of my own, fiction that is. I can write an essay anytime, as observed on here.

If you had asked me last week, I would have said that there were two kinds of horror; the legitimately suspenseful, and the emotional. Personally I consider myself in it for the suspense, I’ve encountered very few effective emotional books.

This one book, The Watchers by A.M. Shine, is a mold […]

I know a lot of people disagree with my sentiment that it’ll be less work to die old, and that perhaps I’m putting myself through undue suffering

But then I ran into this story of this exceedingly average person for his time, a small businessman in the late 19th century. He died in 1906. But here he is getting talked about, which to me makes him a success story. The legend goes that he tried to spend so much on his monument that his family didn’t get anything. The truth turns out that he wasn’t specific about the amount to be spent. He said 1/6th of […]

I’m turning 36 tomorrow, but unless things go seriously awry I’m not going to have time or energy to write about it, not the next two days either

Supposedly the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are. I think that’s just for death denial people, those who haven’t accepted that they ARE going to die someday, and that someday gets closer every day. I’m tickled to be older, more excuses to complain about aches and pains and talk about how much better it was when I was young, even though it wasn’t.

It was great when I was a child, compared to now, but being a […]

out of hope, tried too hard, barely holding on, again…………

I don’t want to die, I just want some hot water and to know I could keep eating…. . how gloriously niave I was that those meager boons were within reach

A large part of me wants to hang this useless corpse in front of one of the organizations that failed me…. but there are so many, and I only have the one useless corpse

or for something harder, heroine, fentanyl…… any narcotic capable of erasing the pain. I wish alcohol had ever done that for me…… lucky bastards who it does work for. I mean, they die […]

No no, you don’t understand, you wait a week for us to ship you out a part, YOU pay $159, and then you still don’t have hot water! It’s just that simple, in the middle of winter, our company who does nothing other than make water heaters can get your hot water service returned…..

EVENTUALLY

WITH INDEFINITE SERVICE CALLS

AND TWO HOURS ON HOLD A WEEK!

What a service! What a hot water heater!

Today I learned the German for it, just so I can broaden my horizons on this amazing journey that Rheem has decided to introduce to my life

“Scheisse Warmwasserbereiter”

Shit Hot Water Heater

Except in Germany there are actual […]

The state I live in has decided that I’m able bodied and therefor not entitled to food. Yes, that is their position, I know they would present it that I’m “freeloading”…. but I’m just trying to keep eating, it’s a matter of survival

Now, how could I dispute that? Well the conditions are explicitly laid out;

IF I’m working more than 30 hours a week

[so it’s ON ME to make the job market bend to my will, to make employers respond. It’s work, or starve. I’ll be disputing the other conditions similarly]

IF I’m in school at least half time

[So the state compels me to engage in more […]

I was going to say no hot water and be melodramatic….. but we have SOME, not even close to enough, and not in the way I need it most……. Our hot water heater decided to take a break on Saturday, I had a plumber out today and in a sane and kind world that would be the end of it….. but I did the stupid thing five years ago and bought a hardware store hot water heater instead of letting the plumber put one of theirs in. Stupid I now find out because for warranty I had to call customer service, half hour on the […]

Everything bothering me seems so small and petty. So, why do these things bother me?

I got some new clothes for interviewing, but I’ve gone up a neck size because I’ve gained weight…. and my internal critic is calling me fat, and I’m not, but it still bothers me that none of my shirts or suit jackets fit

Then last night our water heater went out…. and it really bothered me, and at the same time I’m aware that it’s a small modern inconvenience. Hot water on demand is such a luxury, even in the modern world.

and I wish the job would come back to me sooner […]

I applied on Monday, maybe it’s expecting too much to hear back by Thursday, especially on a holiday week

all the same, I think I might have to start doing two or three applications at a time. I don’t want to, it’s not what I promised myself…… I’m okay today, but if this time tomorrow nothing comes up….. yeah, I might need to expand my search

Part 2 possibly the real motivation, also unrealistic things I want way more than I should

As stated many times before, this is my solution to the two post a day recommendation, if what I next have to say is even remotely […]

Two books arrived today, there was no way for me to know beforehand they were brothers, two sides of the same issue. Ah, but should I really bore you with the Dane-Zaa or the specifics of my quest? Enough to relate the process, and no more. That’s key to some of their teachings which focus on the value and power of knowledge. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever read, because it resounds in my heart as true. It echoes in my head. It allows me to transend the thoughtcave I’d been trapped in.

My entire life I’ve been seeking answers, whether it be in philosophy, history, […]

Today was the day I’d set myself, that I’d get back to work. I applied for a second Child Welfare job, keeping with my commitment to do one at a time, and focus on that. The stakes are a little higher, this time instead of 40-50 minutes away the office is 17-25 minutes away, less than half. Heck, even though this isn’t in my county, it’s closer to me than my county’s offices.

It’s MLK day, so I wouldn’t hear back today anyway. The sucky part is that my books are sitting at the local post office, and I can’t get them until tomorrow.

I was never […]