Author

impossible_girl

Same old BS

by impossible_girl 9/28/2017

written by impossible_girl

I lose my health insurance in two days. I got the letter yesterday. It gave a list of reasons why I might be losing it, but it didn’t specify, and it didn’t even offer the option to appeal. I can’t help but think someone, somewhere, is sitting in their office secure in their employer-sponsored insurance, and wondering “How many poor people can I fuck over today?”

I’m a temp. Almost ten years of being on SSI didn’t exactly leave a job history, and I was pretty worthless before that. I’m not even going to break $12,000 this year, which more than qualifies me for the health […]

9/28/2017 11 comments

“Nobody dies because they don’t have access to healthcare.”

by impossible_girl 5/18/2017

written by impossible_girl

An absolute tit of a GOP govenor said that recently, after the oh-so-wonderful United States Congress voted in a “healthcare” bill that essentially guts Medicaid (Medical Assistance).

He’s right. Nobody does. Just poor people. Mentally ill people. Disabled people. All the people who are nobody in American society. Can’t pay for your healthcare? Sorry, you don’t deserve it. Suicidal? Please, off yourself and spare us. We’ll make sure to seem appropriately sad at your funeral. Need that medication to function enough to work and earn that money? Aw, thems the breaks. See previous sentiment about being suicidal.

So you are 100% correct, you GOP stain on humanity, […]

5/18/2017 4 comments

Story Time

by impossible_girl 11/29/2015

written by impossible_girl

Once upon a time, there was an Impossible Girl who didn’t much think any sort of happiness was possible for herself. She went looking for ways to end her misery, and, in the process, she found the Suicide Project. She lurked a little, and then she started talking, started posting. She began to formulate a plan, an idea that when the eyes on her finally looked away, she would step out of this world and the pain she’d felt for too long.

One day, after the plan had failed, a new comment showed up on one of her posts. And the unexpected […]

11/29/2015 31 comments

Numb

by impossible_girl 8/27/2015

written by impossible_girl

I’m staring at the new cut on my upper arm, and I’m numb. I’ve just finished writing a text so someone I thought I could trust, who chose a guy over my friendship, and I’m numb. I just dropped one of my courses, because I couldn’t handle a full-time course load, and I’m numb. Maybe I’ll never feel again. Or maybe tonight will be the night, and I won’t have to worry about the fact that my SSI will be there and gone on the 1st. Well, really, either way I’d never feel again. I think I’m out of […]

8/27/2015 5 comments

Honest Obituary

by impossible_girl 8/27/2015

written by impossible_girl

When I finally get the courage to step out of this joke called life, I want my obituary to be honest. “She is survived by her cats, the only living creatures that loved her unconditionally. Some people on a website might be sad she’s gone, but the rest of us couldn’t be bothered to treat her like anything but a burden while she was alive. We’ll just brush aside the fact she was the most loyal person we ever met. Thank goodness she’s gone!”

8/27/2015 6 comments

What makes Imp impossible?

by impossible_girl 8/26/2015

written by impossible_girl

I think I might have made a post like this some time ago, but the last few months have been … odd, to understate the case. I have some facets, some core beliefs I’ve formed, that make me an impossible girl indeed.

1) I’m a grey ace. Grey asexual. I can feel some sexual desire, though largely when reading erotic fic or something, sometimes for someone I care about, but I don’t want sex. Romance, yes. Sex, no. It took me a very long time to accept that this doesn’t make me broken, it simply puts me on a different […]

8/26/2015 9 comments

by impossible_girl 8/23/2015

written by impossible_girl

I think I’m the reason I can’t have nice things. I break everyone good who comes into my life. Fuck you very much to the doctors and nurses who “saved” me that night in the ER in November 2011. You should have let the benzos finish what they’d started.

8/23/2015 3 comments

Probably The Last Post

by impossible_girl 4/30/2015

written by impossible_girl

My first diagnosis–clinical depression–was made shortly after I turned 11 in fifth grade. My first antidepressant was Zoloft when I was starting eighth grade. I’m 34 now. My medication history reads like the shelves of a pharmacy: antidepressants, benzodiazopines, sedatives, and antipsychotics galore. When I was 25, a doctor pinned down the correct main diagnosis, and I learned what stigma among the mentally ill is like. No one likes people with Borderline Personality Disorder, no matter how unlike the stereotype that person is.

I had two periods of time when I thought I had healed. One was last summer until […]

4/30/2015 7 comments

Why bother

by impossible_girl 4/23/2015

written by impossible_girl

There’s no point. Go inpatient, I fail a course capstone project. Go inpatient, I am still nothing when I get out. Stay out, I will find a way. I will make the impossible possible. I do not want anymore pain and loneliness. Stop trying to save me to make yourselves feel good. You’re making me miserable.

4/23/2015 2 comments

“And how did you meet?”

by impossible_girl 3/28/2015

written by impossible_girl

A comment exchange led to a sudden consideration of what would happen if you ended up meeting someone from on SP in person and becoming friends/partners/whatever. (That’s happened, I believe?) I mean, what would you say if someone asked where you met each other? “I. Uh. Online. We’ll go with online.”

And, yeah, there will be the wise-asses among you who will happily tell people where you met. I’m well aware. 😛

3/28/2015 15 comments

Make it stop

by impossible_girl 3/22/2015

written by impossible_girl

I’ll be fine, less down. going about my day, and WHAM, a sense of despair, of sadness, of desperation strong enough to metaphorically (and sometimes literally) drop me to the ground will slam into me. Just out of nowhere, the pain is so much, too much. I don’t want this anymore. Please, make it stop. If there’s a higher power, if there’s a dash of kindness in the universe, make it stop. Make me stop. Let me die. I can’t handle this. I don’t want to feel this anymore. There isn’t anywhere for me on this […]

3/22/2015 4 comments

Getting things ready

by impossible_girl 3/21/2015

written by impossible_girl

I should be working on the first part of my huge Payroll Accounting project; I’m working on my will, instead. I should be listening to music and immersed in the challenge of putting the numbers together and getting them to make sense; I’m sitting in silence and thinking about taking a nap so I don’t have to feel for a little bit. I should be be functional, happy, and loved; I’m broken, miserable, and unwanted. Horrible timing, really, it was on figuring out that, for me, love is unconditional. It’s not “I’ll only love you if…”, it’s just “I love you.” […]

3/21/2015 7 comments

Want to sleep

by impossible_girl 3/15/2015

written by impossible_girl

I look at the shoebox I keep my various prescription pill bottles in, and I wish to gods I could be certain that I wouldn’t just wake up in a day, in three days, in a week in the local ICU and another useless stay in the mental health unit and another 90-day court settlement. Attempting suicide is a civil offense in Wisconsin, you see, so a person already upset because they survived then gets to go — via satellite television — before a judge and work out an agreement for treatment. Nice, huh?

I barely talked my psychiatrist out of having me hospitalized […]

3/15/2015 4 comments

Who’s With Me?

by impossible_girl 3/9/2015

written by impossible_girl

So we (people on this site) should go find a deserted island to claim as our own. We will need a flag, of course, as per Eddie Izzard, and a thousand other things, but then the rest of humanity doesn’t have to deal with us, and vice-versa. I vote for the name Nutsia, so the inhabitants can be known as Nuts. >:) What do you think? (And today on “Why do emoticons hate me?”…)

3/9/2015 8 comments

Too much a coward

by impossible_girl 3/5/2015

written by impossible_girl

Still here. Unfortunately. I can’t even find the bravery kill myself and make the world better for everyone around me (and for me).

My cousin hanged himself in 1993, out in Colorado. My other cousin was an alcoholic and flipped his truck in 1997 and offed himself that way. Not on purpose, I think, but how many happy alcoholics do you know? And here sits the other genetic freak of the family, the other poor sucker unfortunate enough to feel. I was 12 when the first one went, 16 when the second one did. They were both in their […]

3/5/2015 4 comments

Story Time and Maybe Goodbye

by impossible_girl 2/27/2015

written by impossible_girl

Once upon a time, two emotionally dysfunctional people brought an Imp into this world. Kids weren’t really dad’s thing, and mom wasn’t at all certain about the care and feeding of an impossible girl. Maybe Imp was destined to crash from the start. She learned how to talk, and then she stopped. Just stopped. Wouldn’t even talk to her mother, and she was a total mama’s girl. When she got to preschool, she was behind other kids because of the whole not speaking thing. But she also just didn’t really fit in. Playing house seemed pointless. […]

2/27/2015 8 comments

It’s Time

by impossible_girl 2/22/2015

written by impossible_girl

As if I’ll open up to any of you anymore, you lying bastards who all said I was fine as me, better even, then turned your backs the moment I needed someone? I’d rather post anonymously on a site of suicidal people than trust any of you.

I need to provide for my girls, my cats, the only two living creatures to love me unconditionally. When that’s settled, it’s over. I will have peace. And you can celebrate my death all you want.

It’s time. I’m done.

2/22/2015 6 comments

Impossible Girl

by impossible_girl 1/18/2015

written by impossible_girl

I have a job as a seasonal tax preparer. It’s not great, but it’s a step into the accounting field. I’ve started this semester with an unprecedented 3.86 GPA. I’ve never had higher than maybe a 3.20 in my almost 34 years of life before this.

And I’m empty. Broken. There’s a highly specifically shaped hole in my heart and in my life. A life that is falling apart around the edges. The check I postdated to pay for one textbook will bounce. I can’t pay for the other at all. There is no more help from […]

1/18/2015 1 comment

If I just lay here…

by impossible_girl 1/3/2015

written by impossible_girl

Now I’m gonna have that song in my head. I don’t want to die. I just … don’t want to live, either. Can you commit suicide by apathy? What if I just stop taking my meds, stop eating, stop drinking, stop doing anything other than lay in my bed and stare at the wall and remind myself that I’m a cold-hearted monster that breaks everything, that can’t really love, and that no one will ever love back? I hope my cats wait until I’m dead to start nibbling at my body for survival, but, well, c’est la vie. It’s […]

1/3/2015 12 comments

Can’t even die successfully

by impossible_girl 12/8/2014

written by impossible_girl

I’ll remedy that tomorrow. Not like anyone where I am wants me around anyway.

You know you’re really a failure when you can’t even die right.

12/8/2014 3 comments

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