It’s been almost two years since I’ve last been here. I will say that it breaks my heart that I’m back. Feeling this way all over again.
Who else is still here?
I once said in one of my earlier posts that I ‘longed for the feeling of not feeling at all’
Unknown to the fact how unbearable it is. I feel so numb. I don’t feel happy nor sad. I don’t get excited, nothing motivates me any more. I haven’t loved anything in a while: music, people, family, enjoyment.
It’s so shit.
I haven’t lost him but he’s no loner mine, and that kills me. Out of all the people I have loved, envied and lost, he has made me cry more than any of them. The past week or so had been rough, quiet, vague. Then out of the blue he talks, blames me for what I’ve done, what can I say, he’s right. He doesn’t feel the same, of course he doesn’t. He gets over things so quickly. He still cares, but not the same way. He left because I was a shitty person and I hate myself for that. He won’t dare say it but […]
I’m coming to my last days of high school and the past week has been hell. It’s had such an effect on me knowing that I won’t ever be there again. It’s so weird, and kinda unsettling.
I’ve also realised how lonely I am. Everyone has their groups and their best friends but I just float around. Gets on with most people but just keeps under the radar.
That also brings up another point. Everyone on here seems to know someone and they know all their stuff and its so nice that people support each other here. I think I’m asking if someone would like to be my […]
I had this dream about two weeks ago. I was on a boat going down these really peculiar canals. the river was narrow and everything was really low. There were platforms either side of the river, then tall walls along each side. But it didn’t make you feel enclosed. At the top of the walls you could see the blue sky, the walls were all pastel colours and had origami trees next to them. It had me so relaxed.
I wish I had that dream again.
I just want to talk about this one time I was is maths. I used to sit in the back left hand corner, out of the way. I now sit at the front dead centre where everyone can see me. I don’t really go to maths anymore.
Any way, back to the left hand corner. That day was colossally shit. The morning wasn’t great, it was just another one of those days where everything was subtly crashing down around me in the plain white room that is my maths classroom. For a while there was this guy in sixth form who came into our maths and […]
I guess I could keep trying to be poetic but fuck it
I just want someone to save me really
If they know it’s game over.
But if they don’t I can’t live with myself.
But then again, I could never live with myself.
It’s a lose lose situation.
You know that old saying “don’t surround yourself with shitty people”
I feel bad for being in someone else’s company. I feel sorry for them as they have to put up with my presence. I don’t say much, but then try to make up for it and say too much. I go on about shit and cringe in my mind, asking myself “why the fuck did you just say that just shut the fuck up”
But then I hate being left alone with my own mind. Shits pretty scary and fucked up in there.
The truth is, I don’t want to surround people with myself, because I’m a really shitty […]
I hadn’t properly drank for over three months. It’s not like an achievement, the chance just hadn’t come up recently. I guess it has pros and cons. It’s good that I don’t go out on the lash every night, but then when I do drink I have to make up for the lost time. It’s a bad way of handling it, I mean I could just not drink at all.
But, the thing about drinking is it’s similar to that at feeling I long for to not feel anything at all. You can just lose it all, not have to care about stuff, it’s addicting.
It was just me […]
We all have that one person don’t we. They keep us going, most of them don’t even realise it but shit they help us. Mine is fantastic. They make me feel important and valuable, possibly maybe after time, they could make me happy (happy is a big word for me so I don’t tend to use it when reflecting on myself). This person never has to try to lift me up because knowing their existence is in my presence gives me life. The way they talk with such intellect, their mind, fuck their mind is so beautiful. Logically, I love this human.
But unfortunately it’s contradicts it’s self.
I’m on […]
I miss the days when I felt happy. How I became so content with the idea of death I don’t remember. I try so hard to be happy but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I’m not happy, I’m not angry, I’m not much really.
Just really really miserable.
But it’s not even that. It’s like, that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze. You know it’s coming. You can’t wait long enough for that sneeze to be over.
I think what I’m trying to say is, I long for the feeling of not feeling anything at all. I know it’s coming, it’s just a […]
I don’t know if I should be here. I feel as if I’m wasting their time; doctors, support systems, YMCA. I know they all say that it’s the reason they’re there, that you’re not wasting their time. But honestly, I’m just not mean enough to tell them that they are in fact, wasting their time.
It’s not their fault, it’s just the state of mind I have gotten myself into. I guess only I can get myself out of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I do see a point to life. But it contradicts it’s self. I thought the meaning of life was to give it a meaning, but then […]