Author

Itscolourlife

Its colour life.. I wish my life can get more colour.. Yes a bright one..

Maintaining My Mental

by Itscolourlife 1/16/2023

written by Itscolourlife

trying to maintain my mental health thru someone
someone that love me and know my story
weve been together since 2010
from a friend to best friend to love
from cheerful to depressed version

started to
loving myself
grooming myself
looking into the bright side
trying to be better

but i
afraid to be in relationship
relationship is a frail thing
break like a glass
cant be forever

and what makes me scared the most
what if i dont love him back
what if he develop depression too
what if i fail you?

just like today
when my parents trying to take the mental health stability i earned and […]

1/16/2023 1 comment

My own box of lie

by Itscolourlife 12/31/2022

written by Itscolourlife

I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky

12/31/2022 0 comment

am i getting better or am i getting numb

by Itscolourlife 12/30/2022

written by Itscolourlife

There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?

Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?

Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling

Ive been […]

12/30/2022 3 comments

HELP: Should i go to my friend wedding party with my condition?

by Itscolourlife 12/7/2022

written by Itscolourlife

Hey hello you there.. if you see this post may you keep reading.. i really need your help.. SO

There will be a wedding party around 2 weeks from now. The groom is one my best friend and the bride is a fake friend/ a witch/idk what i should called her. As you guys know im battling my depression for 2-3 years and i just getting better this month, struggling by myself without medical, parents, or friends help.

Now i am fatter like 10kg more than before. Ive been locking myself all these years and doesnt want to meet my friends. One of the reason why […]

12/7/2022 5 comments

The death is a choice again in my mind

by Itscolourlife 11/26/2022

written by Itscolourlife

I started to thinking again
Should i juat die leaving this world before this year ends
I keep losing what i love
My mom said dont depend yourself on someone
Depend on yourself
I cant
When i dont have anything good left inside me
And thats why i choose to live for my dog
Why you always being so harsh to me
You said i cant even cry when im feeling sad
Even you cry when you have a bad mood
I saw it
But why i cant even tho you know that its only hurting me more
Why are you so harsh to me […]

11/26/2022 1 comment

Mom why you took everything from Me

by Itscolourlife 11/17/2022

written by Itscolourlife

Never think ill go back to this site
I dont know what to do anymore
I just getting better until my parents said we cant have a dog in the house anymore

My dog is the only reason i started to feel like my day isnt going so bad
My dog is my friends my boyfriend my son my everything
The only reason i wake up and start to do my activity
He always waking me up with his cute voice and small lick
He knows when my day going badly and sit beside me watching me crying
He comes to me for snack cuddle or […]

11/17/2022 2 comments

Thread of Lies

by Itscolourlife 4/10/2022

written by Itscolourlife

https://kissasian.pe/drama/thread-of-lies-episode-1

Please watch this mother and sister.

Mother
You always blame me for how i become now. You said you teached me and […]

4/10/2022 0 comment

JANE

by Itscolourlife 4/6/2022

written by Itscolourlife

4/6/2022 2 comments

by Itscolourlife 8/4/2021

written by Itscolourlife

No hope
Tired
Everything is nothing
Surrender

8/4/2021 1 comment

The angel who love the demon

by Itscolourlife 12/27/2020

written by Itscolourlife

The angel with the crooked wings and crooked mind

You are the demon
You ask the angel to become your stopper

You are the demon
You said you will help to find the new wings

You are the demon
You left the lonely angel alone

You are the demon
Who close your eyes, mouth, ears
The angel is about to dissapear

12/27/2020 0 comment

5

by Itscolourlife 12/26/2020

written by Itscolourlife

I keep missing you because im so lonely. Even tho my family and friends try to make me feel happy, im still lonely. Its because its not you and i fall in love deeply in you. I can only holding the doll you give me and your jacket to make me feel calm. Denying the reality, closing my eyes, imagining you still here with me. Its kinda crazy to hear but thats what i can do to calm down myself, to stop this headache, to make me feel sleepy, to make me smile a little bit. Its enough for me to feel this way. Ive […]

12/26/2020 1 comment

You found me !

by Itscolourlife 12/23/2020

written by Itscolourlife

Hi its me, by the time you read this diary, maybe im already leaving this world. Dont grieve too long because im happy now. And i hope you are happy too.

12/23/2020 2 comments

by Itscolourlife 11/4/2020

written by Itscolourlife

Lonely

11/4/2020 2 comments

by Itscolourlife 10/22/2020

written by Itscolourlife

If im not useful then i should die
This is the right thing to do
That is the wrong thing to do
Right and wrong

Im going to die anyway
There is no right and wrong for me anymore
I hate you
I hate you so much

10/22/2020 0 comment

Greedy

by Itscolourlife 9/18/2020

written by Itscolourlife

To: Sister with a flower in the head

You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even […]

9/18/2020 1 comment

band aid

by Itscolourlife 9/5/2020

written by Itscolourlife

I put the band aid on my wrist myself
Because no one will put it for me

It looks cute
It looks sad too

Deeper
More deeper
Until the bleed cant stop anymore

Like this
Like that
I always imagine myself to die

But Im still here
As always

9/5/2020 0 comment

What makes me sad LIST

by Itscolourlife 8/14/2020

written by Itscolourlife

When i fail to do something
When my fam keep talking bad about me
When my fam talking laughing without me
When someone i love dont love me back
When i want to eat but i keep thinking about my weight
When i cant sleep at night
When someone tell me that its just normal stress
When my fam tell me a method to die
When someone talk like they know about me so well
When they say do this and this but they dont help me
When they dont know what i really feel but keep judging me
When he try but i know […]

8/14/2020 1 comment

dont cry why try die

by Itscolourlife 8/14/2020

written by Itscolourlife

Dont cry
You dont have right to cry

Oh why
Because you already know but you only asking why

Just try
I am enough with all these try

Ill die
Just shut up and let me die

I HATE YOU
THIS ME
THIS FAMILY
THIS WORLD

8/14/2020 3 comments

Just cut it

by Itscolourlife 6/30/2020

written by Itscolourlife

Cut my wrist
Cut my throat

Still alive
Emptiness

6/30/2020 0 comment

A day without

by Itscolourlife 5/22/2020

written by Itscolourlife

I wish for

A day
without crying
without feeling bad
without want to suicide

5/22/2020 2 comments

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