iwouldrathernot

ive never been able to tell anyone i know that im suicidal, no one would be able to help beyond maybe a little comfort, but i cant ask that of anyone. it is a burden

i think I’ll be a little bit sad when I finally go, but it’s just the only end I see that I can possibly bear.

I live in a very cold place and I’ve read this isn’t a bad way to go. But I’m still trying to do more research on it.

im in incredible pain rn and I was hoping I could flick a switch to make it all stop

I keep waking up sad, it’s more than the usual general unhappiness. It’s almost a frantic sadness if that makes sense. And it’s not about anything that I can identify. I’m just so sad, so alone. So very alone that I cannot describe the isolation of my soul.

Do souls even exist? That would be nice, but unlikely. I am so alone, I wish I was okay and happy, I wish I could connect with someone but I can’t. I don’t think I was wired to connect with another human on a level that would make me happy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Not everyone, but a lot of people see that I’m weak and try to make me feel small. It makes me lose faith in humans when I see them treat people like shit just because they can. I feel like if you see some sad little thing that is below you, you should just let it fucking be, why can’t people just let me be? I get that I won’t get everyone to like me, I get that. But why can’t people just leave it be? Does no one see that I’m struggling and and on the edge of fucking losing it? If people see […]

Sure, Brain, but how am I gonna kill myself?

I don’t believe in anything.

So I figured this out finally, what’s been nagging me. I thought I wasn’t sure if I wanted to die, and I thought that’s what was bothering me, but it wasn’t that. You see it’s that I do want to kill myself, but for my current situation it’s not okay to do that. I would be totally in the wrong. So I basically want someone to comfort me and tell me it’s okay to do that.

Sitting here alone as usual, and I just had this weird scene flash through my mind, I’m lying here for my whole life- day to night, day to night- and I’m aging, alone, and then I shrivel up and die. And I made myself sit alone my whole life, and I could have made it better and at least distracted myself but I didn’t.

I’m really sorry to say this, I know its cliche. But I know when I die, in whatver way that I do, I will not have large groups of people hugging and crying and lighting candles for me.

I’m bad at making friends, I feel like people don’t really like me, so it’s my own doing. But it’s just sad to think about.

I always replay the mean things I say to him and I feel like such a *****, I’ve internalize all the horrible things he spat in my face, but I still feel so bad. Even when I just joke that he’s annoying.

I feel like he could be around people that make him happy. I’m sorry I’m not those people. He deserves to be happy. I’m sorry.

I really really want to kill myself, I already know it’s not gonna end well for me no matter what I do. But I feel so guilty doing that to my family, so I’m trying really hard to stick it out. But man that takes endurance that I’m not sure I have.

Alright I know how this will sound, super winy and I’m sorry. But I wish I was beautiful, I fucking hate my face. Sometimes if I look at myself in the mirror long enough it looks all distorted and more ugly than usual. I wish I was beautiful. Sometimes from a perfect angle people have told me that I’m cute, at my school we had an anonymous message board and ppl would post about me, which I hated because then I would read all these really  fucking mean comments of bitches saying I’m not attractive or shit like that.

***** I fucking know that I’m not […]

I hide inside my comfort zone a lot. A ridiculous amount, really. But sometimes I’ll spontaneously jump out of it for a bit. The more I do that the more I realize I can actually see myself doing this thing. It feels good to have one thing that I can doubt a little less.

Maybe tomorrow will be a beautiful day, I drove around looking for stars tonight but couldn’t find any in the clouds.

I just dont want to be here anymore.

You know when you wish for something really hard even though you know it is impossible?

Like having class cancelled the day of a  test you’re not prepared for, or your boss calling to tell you that the roads are bad so everyone gets a day off?

Just shit like that, you know it won’t happen but you really fucking need it to happen sometimes. And then it doesn’t happen so you have to go through with whatever thing you really didn’t want to do. That’s me with my life, I keep hoping it’s not really happening. I’m a figment of someone else’s fucked up dream and […]

I am hanging from a very high place.

I used to hold on so fucking tight but I am losing my grip now and I find it difficult to care.

kill yourself