I lost track. I think I have 21 weeks left. Pretty sure. I keep a notebook in my work locker. Originally it was to take notes on things, but there’s not much to take notes on. So now I just use it to write down my thoughts when we aren’t doing anything. Like this place. By 6 months, it should be full of my angry, sad, depressing thoughts. But I guess it’s also helping me work through my thoughts on everything.
Work is dreadful as usual. Getting up at 3 in the morning is getting […]
So 2025 is over. How was this year for me? Pretty fucking awful to be honest. I started off the year trying to work on CLARA. I stayed behind in Worcester because I naively thought that I could finish up CLARA in time to publish a paper. It didn’t work out. Just like the other couple of chances I had. So I missed Christmas and New Years for nothing. I started off the actual new years at the barcade I frequented. Bunch of happy people who rang in the new year with me standing awkwardly to […]
After having been on here for around a decade and constantly writing down my thoughts, I tend to pay close attention to my mental state and the reasons behind it. I believe my previous psychiatrist has stated I’m fairly self aware and I told him it was only natural when I spend all my time in my own head. I hate to admit it, but I had a sense of satisfaction when he said that. Anyways I try to keep track of markers that signify what type of state of mind I’m in at the time. How I interact with people, […]
So I lied. My training wasn’t done. I still need CPR training. So that means I spent 42 hours this week watching people do things instead of doing them myself. Beats the training videos I guess. And I probably won’t be getting CPR training any time soon since it’s “peak” season. All the instructors are too busy to show my how to do chest compressions or something. So that means I get to spend another 42 hours just watching people do work. Actually 30 hours. Cause I get Christmas off. I get to lie in […]
I went to cidercade for my birthday today. My birthday isn’t for another two days, but I’ll be working and having a dentist appointment that day. It was just me. It’s always just me. I went to get a burger at a place nearby. Ordered too many cheese fries and took some home. Will probably just end up throwing them away. There goes 10 bucks. Then I headed over to cidercade. Was there for a little under 2 hours maybe. Did the usual. Played Galaga first. Guitar hero, racing games, pinball, CvS2. […]
24 Weeks left. I finished my training now. They are putting me on actually shifts. No more 9 – 5. Now I get 12 hour shifts starting at 4 in the morning. Wonderful. Shadowing the other technicians wasn’t so bad. It was mainly replacing the bands on conveyor belts. Except for that 3 hour stint of them trying to cut off a section of a belt and stitching it together. I loved just staring at them trying to align the clips for like an hour. Still I’m sure I’ll find a way to fuck it […]
They finally seem to got their shit together. I was given all my training modules after asking and asking. They’re heartbreakingly boring and I can feel my brain leaking out of my ears. Just 8 straight hours a day of reading power points and watching videos. Towards the end I just started skipping to the end test cause I couldn’t be fucking bothered. All of which contain questions that are either common sense, super obvious, or super specific measurements for an equipment part. That will bite me in the ass. I still have like 10 more modules […]
I did the thing I said I’d do once I moved out. I singed up for a dating app. I hated every minute of it. I don’t talk to people. I like being by myself. Sort of. I do feel lonely, bit I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Just avoid people and you don’t feel like that.
The process was confusing and painful. It don’t like taking pictures. I don’t even like looking in the mirror. But I needed pics. I don’t like talking about myself, but I needed something to put on there. […]
The title. I finished watching the training videos yesterday. The only way I can continue is to get an email for more training. My email isn’t set up. The only one who can set it up is my manager. But my manager isn’t the section manager. It isn’t the department manager. It is the regional manager. For some reason. Someone who isn’t even working at our plant. The other managers contacted him to set up a ticket which he did. And they sent in their own ticket. It still isn’t done. I’m […]
Day 2 is done. I’ve only had this job two days and both felt like a thousand years. To be fair it’s because I’ve done nothing but watch training videos. Stuff I really should retain, but I can’t be bothered to memorize all the different labels and permits and procedures. We don’t have a roof crane. Why do I need to know how to operate a roof crane? But it’s my job to know these things. In order to excel at my job I need to memorize how to lock out a conveyor belt and the safety measures […]
I start my job tomorrow. Lined up at the exact start of the month. So my 6 month contract is over as soon as it rolls over to June. Didn’t do much this weekend. Bought groceries and played magic at a card shop. I don’t think I’m nervous. Not about the job exactly. I am nervous that I’ll fail at even this. So I guess I am nervous in a way. If I fail at this, that’s it. I have to kill myself at that point. This is the lowest level that is somewhat […]
Moved into my place yesterday. Didn’t realize it was in the backyard of some older couple’s house. It’s out in the boonies. Same with the warehouse I’m working at. Honestly it’s the perfect size for me. One room with a small kitchen and a tiny bathroom. I never needed a lot. One thing that I don’t like is that it’s on the second floor and the stairs are right there by the room. No door separating them. I always feel like I’m going to trip and fall. Break my neck. Can’t afford to get […]
I move on Friday. Clothes are packed. Have way too much even after leaving some here. Just taking one suitcase worth. Don’t know why I have so many shirts when I wear the same one several days in a row. Going to clean up my PC and take the graphics card out tomorrow. Pack it up. Keep forgetting about shit like kitchenware and towels. I wish I was more mobile. It doesn’t seem like it, but I have a lot of shit. Or I guess people in general need a lot of shit.
I […]
Usually I think of a title for these, but for the past few posts I’ve left them blank. Don’t have any good ideas. I feel like I’ve flooded the site with all my posts for the past month or two. But besides that the site has been kinda dead. So why not? I treat this place more like a journal than a place to get comfort or advice. I mean those are nice and I do check for comments often, but for the most part it’s just a tool to help me dissect my thoughts. Been doing it […]
I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I […]
Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, […]
Still here. Unfortunately. Days are getting by better, but I’m not exactly happy about it. Got a toothache where a filling was done a month or so ago. Don’t know if the filling is cracked or if I got another cavity in the same place. Either way it’s bad so I’m going to the dentist Thursday. Can you believe that’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in the past few days? November is half way done and I’m still living with my fucking parents. Wonderful.
Followed up that shitty company that wants me to […]
I write an entry maybe once every other day. I’ve needed to because I just don’t have anything else going on in my life. School kept me busy. A job would probably do the same if I could get one. But I just don’t care about any of it. Every time I think about killing myself, it’s so matter of fact. Like I’m thinking of calling in sick cause I don’t want to go somewhere. I guess killing yourself because you don’t want to deal with the things that come with life is pretty childish. But I’m […]
A lot of people say that nobody really knows what they’re doing and they’re all just trying to get by. I’ve said that before to some people. But I really really don’t know what I’m doing. I have these degrees don’t really mean anything. Couldn’t tell you a single fucking thing I learned. And I haven’t really kept up with anything either. Like study my old notes I lazily downloaded from canvas. So basically I’m unemployable. I already knew this but when I choked on that interview test a month ago, it really put the nail in […]
I don’t know if the higher dosage of my depression meds have kicked in or I’ve gotten over my latest round of rejections, but I’m not feeling as bad as I was last week. Not amazing, but not bad either. Just kinda middling. But the thing is I don’t really want to get better. Life is full of ups and downs. I get that. But I just want off the ride. It’s why I pushed myself so hard last year to kill myself. And the ups and downs don’t change the fact that I’m an unemployable dumb-ass […]
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