J Doe

Single digit now. Got three interviews this past week and my mentors are finally getting back to me about job leads. You’d think that that would mean things are looking up. That I might actually make it out before 6 months are up. It’s just a ruse. Something to get my hopes up just to have it pull out from under me like always. These interviews and leads will lead no where. Like they always do. I’m here forever. My own personal hell.

Had my psychiatry appointment today. It was as pointless as I expected it […]

It went exactly how I expected it to go. Or how I knew it would go at least. I had two conversations that lasted maybe a minute each. Both women seemed somewhat uncomfortable by me. I played two games of smash melee and then I left. That was around 150 bucks if you include the ticket, parking, going to do my hair, the over priced burger and fries I bought there, etc. I knew it wouldn’t work. It never works. But I deluded myself into trying anyways. Or at least say that I’d try and then […]

Another low hit me today. I couldn’t get it out of my head. That I was trapped in this hell of my own making. The culmination of all my failures. That there was no way to escape. I wore an angry sad expression my entire shift. I couldn’t help it. My face naturally contorted that way. I was angry.

One way or the other. I need to go one way or the other. Because staying like this is not an option. I either have to become better and be able to reach my purpose […]

So there was this annoying as hell fly buzzing around my room. I’ve had a lot of fly and gnat problems lately. Room’s so gross that I guess it makes sense, but I’ve never lived at a place where it was this bad. I think it’s also cause I’m in the boonies. Anyways it was buzzing around and eventually I found it tapping against the window. It kept trying to go outside. I thought about squishing it, but I just watched it tap tap tap against the window. I thought about how God is probably just watching us […]

I remember thinking how excited I’d feel when I reach that 10 week mark. That final 10 countdown. Now I kinda just feel nothing. Maybe despair a bit, but at this moment in time nothing. I still haven’t bought a gun yet. Don’t know if I will, but I know that’s the most important step. Things are going well now, but they’ll go bad again eventually. And then good again. And then bad again. This cycle is pointless if I can’t achieve my purpose, and I already know I’m incapable of it. So if I […]

It feels more like I’m counting down to an execution than to freedom like it originally was. I could set that as the time limit before I try to kill myself, but every time I set a time limit I never end up following it. Something’s just got to give and for as long as I’ve tried I’ve never cracked the code on what that is.

Family left today. Bought me breakfast and we said our good byes. Was able to skip buying half a weeks groceries since we went out to eat so much. I’d say that’s great […]

When he said he didn’t know of any companies, my immediate thought that he was a lying piece of shit. But I guess I’ve just cooled off and am now being back to despondent. I tried one more time asking my advisor for help. For anything. I just asked him if he knew of any companies that specialize in soft robotics. Not if any of them were hiring. Just if they exist. And he said he didn’t know any. A man who has spent his entire career dedicated to this subsection of his field. A man […]

I have been more resolute to kill myself recently. I think this one is finally different. I’m not emotional about it. I just really see no future. But I need to take baby steps.

I called a crisis hotline. I’ve been thinking more and more about buying a gun recently and needed to tell someone. Just needed to get it off my chest, so a hotline where they can’t do anything to stop me was good enough. I told them my plan, argued with them a bit about how hopeless it was. They gave me some […]

I wasn’t as angry today. But I did feel dread. My advisor finally called me. Said “he’d keep his eyes peeled” and “good luck”, but not much else. Said the company was probably not looking to hire. I already conditioned myself to expect nothing. So I wasn’t as disappointed. But that was honestly my best shot. Now I’ve really got nothing. Can’t say I expected anything from him. Was never a good research assistant. Provided him nothing like papers or anything like that. So why would he help me out? Life is […]

The present tense word meaning to injure or the injury. The spelling for the past tense of wind which means to twist and spiral. Wound up. In this case I’m using it in the sense of “wound up”.

Tomorrow the work week starts and I’m already getting wound up. My anger isn’t quite there yet and the dread hasn’t quite set in. But I know the second I step into that hell hole warehouse, my brain will be screaming. This can’t be the way things are. Hating 5 (in my case 4) days out of the week […]

I should stop keeping track. I really am just setting myself up for disappointment.

Where to start? Today would probably be classified as a good day. Played cards for a couple of hours. Had a sushi dinner. Watched the new Pixar movie. Didn’t even try to look for jobs today. Ran out of steam. People would say that these are the days that make it worth it. That’s what they would say. But I don’t want that. They are just mindless distractions. Things that make you forget about how much you hate […]

Every action is starting to make me sick. I can’t stand anything. I can’t stand walking into that place. I can’t stand sitting there. I can’t stand trying to apply for jobs. I can’t stand thinking about PhD programs. I can’t stand playing magic. I can’t stand any of it. My sleep is restless but I’m acclimating. Through the course of the day I slowly began to calm down. I stopped thinking about it as much. But that lingering hatred was still there. In the back of my mind. Where did this […]

I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. There is something different about this low. Something very very different. Different than the time I failed my internships. Different than the time I failed my capstone or thesis. Different than failing to get into a PhD program or getting hired. But all of that contributed to this. And I think I figured it out. That was anticipatory dread. This is the follow through. This is the result of all my failings. What I was […]

Half way there. Keeping track is quickly becoming meaningless. We all know how this ends. Another horrible week. More stupid bullshit I had to deal with at work. More rejections from engineering companies. More restless nights. It’s not going to end any time soon.

Friday was particular miserable. Got a rejection email like I predicted from that AMR company. At least they made their decision fast. Something about seeing the email though really pushed something inside me. Just pure hatred and fury. About everything in this situation. I wanted to crash […]

I’m starting to feel it now that I’m about halfway there. It’s been around half a year since I started looking for a job. I took a month off as I was transitioning to this shitty new job, but other than that I think I’ve applied to around almost 500 jobs give or take. Says 340 on Linkedin. Must have had atleast 100 in Indeed. Then there’s the stuff from glassdoor, zip recruiter, and outside places I’ve applied to. I’m tired. I’m losing hope. I got like 3 rejection emails today alone. Some stupid ass company […]

After this week I’ll be half way. And it’s not looking great. Still looking for a job. Still hitting that wall. The job I was most interested in recently gave me the rejection email about an hour ago. Like I said, I doesn’t matter how good I think the interview went. It always ends the same. Today’s interview was so so. So I should be expecting a rejection email any day now then. I’m kinda ok with that. Just another crappy warehouse AMR company. Those seem like really boring jobs. And it is […]

February is half way done. Shortest month of the year. 11 weeks down. I’m close to being half way done. I hope. Actually I don’t need to really count anymore. Since I know for a fact that WPI isn’t an option anymore, I’m leaving the minute I get a job offer for an actual engineering position. Fuck whatever timed contract I signed. But I’m still going to keep track. Because if I don’t get one by the time 6 months is up, I might as well put a bullet in my brain.

PC is busted. […]

The final nail in the coffin has been set. My advisor said there was no funds. Getting grant money was especially hard this year. I knew it was coming. I’ve been saying it’s been coming. But it still hurts. That last thread of hope has finally snapped. I will never go back to WPI. On top of that work today was just miserable. One shitty thing after another. Went by fast though. I guess that’s something.

Now I’ve really set my sights on studying abroad. Trying to get into a PhD program […]

Half way through the work week. Two more days. I complained earlier to myself that the weeks were going by too fast. That I was becoming too comfortable with it and thus will become complacent. That flipped pretty quick. Last week or so has been so god damn slow. Like painfully slow. I can really feel the 12 hours in my shift. I count down the hours. Break them down into minutes and then seconds. Try to calculate the percentage of the day left. The percentage of the week left. I debated which […]

I’m in that period where things go by fast. The work week goes by fast but so does my weekend. That’s the last thing I want. To become comfortable with this miserable situation. 17 weeks. I’m 1/3 of the way done. Please please please tell me I’m at least 1/3 of the way done. I’ve gotten a handful of interviews for jobs. I think they went ok-ish. Not amazing, but ok. I’ve felt better about other interviews for jobs I didn’t end up getting so it’s hard to be excited for it. I’ve also […]