hey how is everyone?
i like coming here and seeing people talk. of course, it’s better for them if they aren’t here. but you know, at least you have a place to go to when you’re feeling at your worst.
me i come here when i dont feel very good, i feel overwhelmed and like my world is crashing. for a while now im doing very badly and not sure where to take it.
when im writing here i am usually hyperventilating a little and i feel like im going into a super panic or fight/flight mode and everything feels really like black/white.
i am not sure i am making any sense.
but anyway i run here when i need to feel some not aloneness in my feelings, i guess. well maybe it is same for everyone. there is no one else to tell. people around me, they are not my friends, family and friends back at home, i dont want them to worry. so im here in a foreign country so i guess makes sense I’m isolated. but i guess he is objectively doing worse than me, i guess i just indulge in the sad feelings more or something.
i stopped crying in front of people because i never know if its genuine or not. you can only tell if you’re alone if it’s real.
i stopped liking sex but maybe thats just an age thing.
i remember being happier with life. but maybe it’s natural to get sadder and sadder?
It always ends badly, you know. i guess not many people talk about it. but your body gets weaker, your mind gets smaller, memories fade, people you love die and your reality gets grayer and grayer.
so many things i now associate with bad memories. playing board games, playing video games. i look through my photo album and i have some good memories, but a lot are very sad. that’s crazy right? i dont mean to blame anyone. im just a bit sad about it.
He said that he thinks he’s doing poorly in his job because he’s depressed because of our relationship. well it must be true i guess. i don’t mean that to sound poisonous, if it does. i think it’s just sad fact. i think a lot of why im sad is depression. i think probably we will divorce before a few months’ time. i dont mean that to be toxic sounding. he says my writing sounds toxic so i want to make it clear that i dont mean it like that. i guess im not good at expressing myself. well if i dont write here i will send chats to him and he will misinterpret them. so yeah thats why i like this place.
im sad because i do love him but i guess maybe we are just not good for each other. and that’s really sad but maybe it doesn’t have to be. i guess he feels like he wants to improve his life now with his new house and his new kitchen and he even got a kitten. so it just makes sense he is thinking more and more how to improve his life.
ah but the hardest thing was when he said he should’ve known, back then, when we met. When i told him, people call me a weirdo, he should’ve listened to me, he said. A red flag. Well you know what they say, if people tell you they’re assholes, you’d better listen to them.
i guess i shouldn’t hold on so tightly. what is there to hold on to really?