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by jade2

I’m a reader. I read more on this site than write. When I’m feeling suicidal, I like to read other people’s posts. For some reason. It makes me feel… I don’t know, a thrill? Like I’m screaming alone and I come here to hear other people scream. Yes, that must be it. Feels a bit like madness.

My favorite are the posts by people who have it real bad, you know, like tinnitus or chronic pain. They have something real. Something that can never be fixed. No amount of pills or therapy or moving across country or fantasizing will make it go away. I read their diaries and I think, They are the ones who can never go home. Ever.

What is my pain compared to theirs?


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system 2/21/2021 - 9:26 pm

It sounds like you’re a very specific kind of sadist. You don’t necessarily want people to be in pain, but when they happen to be and you are there to bare witness, you thrive on the concept that you have an ability to escape the pain while they are stuck with it forever.

Mf 2/21/2021 - 11:48 pm

A part of it might be related to the fact that seeing others suffer puts your own situation into perspective, as in, you’re not as screwed as you think you were. Hey, if it helps and you’re not actively hurting anyone…

sgiksw 2/22/2021 - 12:07 am

This sob is hurting people. My posts are about tinnitus and chronic pain and I posted comments yesterday. It’s fn ignorant, stalkerish, and assuming that there are no cures, making up shit in their head about other peoples posts. You don’t know jack about what will help, whether a person will ever be able to go, “home”. So dum. Who’s to say they aren’t already there? People are capable of living their lives, in pain. This person is getting off on their fantasies they have of what they think is the doom and gloom of other people which isn’t the truth. It’s just THEIR fantasy. Moving across country? Yeah, there’s only one person I told that to. So, you just outed yourself.

system 2/22/2021 - 1:16 pm

it’s emotional sadism. and I find it strange that they think tinnitus doesn’t have medication and surgical procedures and audio therapies that help… as someone with serious tinnitus from years and years of standing next to and in front of a drumset, I can easily say audiologists provide a world of help.

sgiksw 2/22/2021 - 1:32 pm

System, your analysis is right on. Perhaps a narcissistic/emotional/ sadist. This is their first post. But anyone who gets a, “thrill”, off of some one else’s pain, is truly mentally ill. In that sense, they think they don’t have it so bad? I beg to differ.

Nice to know about the tinnitus. I think I may have the answer to mine but don’t want to disclose, cause of people like this. Bad energy and I don’t need my hope negated.

system 2/22/2021 - 8:47 pm

I recognize this kind of behavior because my most recent abuser was a psychopath. What this looks like to me is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD is more commonly known as “sociopathy”)

Azzam 2/23/2021 - 9:13 am

That’s a really interesting insight, i’m new here, and i’m honestly surprised to find a place where people openly share their suicidal stories. Thanks for sharing your own experience on this website with us

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