hey how is everyone?
i like coming here and seeing people talk. of course, it’s better for them if they aren’t here. but you know, at least you have a place to go to when you’re feeling at your worst.
me i come here when i dont feel very good, i feel overwhelmed and like my world is crashing. for a while now im doing very badly and not sure where to take it.
when im writing here i am usually hyperventilating a little and i feel like im going into a super panic or fight/flight mode and everything feels really like black/white.
i am not sure i am making any sense.
but anyway i run here when i need to feel some not aloneness in my feelings, i guess. well maybe it is same for everyone. there is no one else to tell. people around me, they are not my friends, family and friends back at home, i dont want them to worry. so im here in a foreign country so i guess makes sense I’m isolated. but i guess he is objectively doing worse than me, i guess i just indulge in the sad feelings more or something.
i stopped crying in front of people because i never know if its genuine or not. you can only tell if you’re alone if it’s real.
i stopped liking sex but maybe thats just an age thing.
i remember being happier with life. but maybe it’s natural to get sadder and sadder?
It always ends badly, you know. i guess not many people talk about it. but your body gets weaker, your mind gets smaller, memories fade, people you love die and your reality gets grayer and grayer.
so many things i now associate with bad memories. playing board games, playing video games. i look through my photo album and i have some good memories, but a lot are very sad. that’s crazy right? i dont mean to blame anyone. im just a bit sad about it.
He said that he thinks he’s doing poorly in his job because he’s depressed because of our relationship. well it must be true i guess. i don’t mean that to sound poisonous, if it does. i think it’s just sad fact. i think a lot of why im sad is depression. i think probably we will divorce before a few months’ time. i dont mean that to be toxic sounding. he says my writing sounds toxic so i want to make it clear that i dont mean it like that. i guess im not good at expressing myself. well if i dont write here i will send chats to him and he will misinterpret them. so yeah thats why i like this place.
im sad because i do love him but i guess maybe we are just not good for each other. and that’s really sad but maybe it doesn’t have to be. i guess he feels like he wants to improve his life now with his new house and his new kitchen and he even got a kitten. so it just makes sense he is thinking more and more how to improve his life.
ah but the hardest thing was when he said he should’ve known, back then, when we met. When i told him, people call me a weirdo, he should’ve listened to me, he said. A red flag. Well you know what they say, if people tell you they’re assholes, you’d better listen to them.
i guess i shouldn’t hold on so tightly. what is there to hold on to really?
2 comments
I definitely agree that this is the place to share stuff when you lack anywhere better. I started in thinking I would create a whole post about my current attitude, then I read your bit and fair enough, you’ve summarized the whole thing nicely. I was trying to do my therapy homework, which is to identify suicide triggers… and it’s everything.
I think about death when I think about my career, given that the largest chance of financial success for my family is my death. I think about it when nothing brings pleasure, alternatively I also think about it when I’m high out of my mind… because that shouldn’t be necessary, but more and more I find myself running from sobriety.
What’s to look forward to? How do we know it will come? We can’t know, and the root of the whole problem is ceasing to trust others. They say it will get better, and they’ve been saying that my whole life, and at present the evidence says they’re full of it.
I can understand what you are saying and life in general is very sad. Ive been depressed most of my life and my ex wife is a bipolar. We split up because of our own struggles but we blamed each other for whatever reason. I guess its easier to blame someone than to face that you were just as guilty. I don’t really have any answers but I think people give up on their marriages too easy due to problems outside the marriage or inside of us. I am seeing my ex wife again and we still both love each other but the problems within ourselves is still there. Maybe this time we can except them and just live our lives hopefully together again someday. Its like we are no good for each on one hand and know each other so well that we are actually better for each other than with anyone else. Not sure if that makes sense. Our kids are a mess and we both blame ourselves for that and never blamed each other at least for our kids. I guess they are adults now as my son is 26 and daughter is 30. Then there is this COVID BS that makes life that much harder and just another reason to not want to live. Life for me is mostly sadness and sorrow and I really wish it would end someday.