jasal

so much has changed, yet so much has not changed. i thought i had made strides in life, setting goals and finally trying to move forward and embrace a future where i live, but i was wrong. i am still so weak and in so much pain, even with the professional help i’ve obtained. i still wish to die. i do not think i will ever be good enough to exist in this world. i certainly will never be able to stand on my own two feet. i am still a colossal disappointment to my loved ones. i am a burden and a waste of […]

[tw for self-harm]

it’s my own fault for keeping people at arm’s length because i am afraid of being rejected or hurt. but i really wish i had someone to talk to right now about how awful i feel and how much i want to hurt myself and how much i hate this time of year because it is consistently when i am at my most suicidal (seasonal depression on top of normal depression sucks). but i am not close enough to anyone to ask them of this. and even if i was, i would be too afraid that they would think me too depressing and […]

it’s almost my fourth anniversary on this site. i still want to die, but obviously i’ve been too weak to just go through with it. isn’t that funny. i hope i don’t wake up tomorrow!

i love it when my brain twists normal conversations into irrevocable proof that i am despised and unwanted by the other person. my partner will try to end a phone conversation promptly because he’s busy, and i will take that as a sign that he absolutely hates talking to me. he’ll say, “i love you,” in a different tone than usual, and i’ll think he’s lying. my niece will rank me last in her list of people she loves, and i will kill myself inside. my co-worker will not smile when we part at work, and i will immediately  believe she hates my guts.

but it’s […]

i used to be able to convince myself that everyone would be happier without me, but then my therapist had to pull the guilt card and tell me that survivors of suicide go through hell (i’m paraphrasing, obviously). now i can’t stop thinking about that. i feel awful. i am so tired and i just want to die. it’s my life, right? i’m an adult? yet i cannot even make the choice to take my own life because it would upset my loved ones. i don’t want them to live with that kind of pain. but what about my pain right now? is it selfish […]

reasons to live:

boyfriend who loves me, supposedly
mother who loves me
dogs to pet

reasons to die:

sick in the head (gad, mdd, bpd, trich, ednos, etc.)
my brain twists good things into bad things anyway, so those reasons to live become reasons to die in the end.
my gpa went to shit, and i’m too sick and lazy to go back to school and succeed in any shape or form, which means i will never earn a degree or sustain a career that is higher than minimum wage (not that having a degree means anything anymore, since there are no jobs anyway). there’s nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs, but […]

my therapist told me about how much pain survivors of suicide go through, obviously to deter me from killing myself. but there is a selfish part of me that resents that notion. even though my insides hurt so much, even though the thing i want most is to die, i must keep on living for other people? i don’t want to live for others. i’m tired of living for others. it’s not a great way to tackle life, especially when those same people don’t understand how suicidal and sick i am. they just think i’m lazy. they disparage me and grow disappointed in me even […]

i want to cut up my entire body and watch the blood spill onto the floor.

how long before i push him away? when will his patience finally run out? when will he finally get sick and tired of my mental illnesses and relentless negativity and leave me?

please leave me. everyone, leave me alone. i need to be alone so i can die.

i’m so sorry i still exist.

it’s wild how afraid i became when i realized i truly have nothing to live for. in pushing away everyone i cared about, i have lost all of my reasons to extend my survival. i have no one. i am no one. i guess i kill myself. i hope i succeed. i’m afraid of what comes after death, but i will overcome this fear. nothing else is holding me back now.

the split wires spill from my brain and coil around my neck;

if i leap, will they strangle me?

if i leap, will i land or hang.

every day i come one step closer to the precipice.

i hate coming back to post here because it means i’m still not dead

i wish i was dead. i wish someone would kill me. i wish i could die in some freak accident. i’ve been so lazy lately.. i can’t even conjure the energy to try and kill myself. it’s really not very hard to implement my current suicide methods of choice. they don’t require much time or money to prepare. i could even go through with two out of three of them today. but i can’t even roll out of bed. i can’t even get up to eat food. i’m so tired. i’ve done nothing but cry the last 3 days. lay in bed and cry. ah…wasting […]