how much pain do people expect me to endure? they talk to me as if i should have an infinite threshold. i lost 3 people last month. my partner Brynn. he was also my dom/master. so for people who are part of that lifestyle. they know how hard it is to lose your partner from that kind of relationship. he left me in fucking pieces. he broke down all my walls, i let him in. i trusted him. and he abused it all, and left me a broken mess…and he didn’t even fucking care. then two friends that we shared….decided they liked/love him more and […]
the amassing depression. the self-loathing, self put down. the little voice in my head telling me that i should just kill myself and be free. my fucking straight edge calling me from the drawer. my psych meds transforming into an image of freedom. fuck fuck fuck!!! how wonderful it would be, the bus driver not being able to stop in time. or the gun salesman not knowing my true intention. fuck here come the fucking tears. the kind of sadness that make me feel weak and lonely. except for the fact that i am alone and lonely. i’m a pathetic excuse for a human being. […]
i hate my family sometimes. family are supposed to be the ones who support you no matter what. not my family. member of my family will turn on you as soon as they have something solid enough to use against you, and tear you down. my family is all about power and control. they need to have control over each other. even if it makes the ones being controlled miserable and suicidal. they don’t care. at this point i would love to kill myself in front of my mom just to spite her ass. she so horrible to me sometimes. she knows how fragile, and […]
i hate my anxiety. i hate my mental illness. i can’t work because of it. working terrifies me. every time I’ve went to a job interview I’ve had a panic attack or have had to take an Ativan and have been to drugged to be lucid enough to be interviewed. the older i get and the less work experience i acquire the worse it will get. eventually I’ll be 30 applying for a job. and an employer will see my application and ask why a 30 year old has never worked before. and I’ll have to say its because I’m mentally ill. there’s a lot […]
get to the point where i see/hear/read stories about people that have killed themselves and actually become jealous. i do though. i read so and so killed themselves. and my first fucking thought is, “why the fuck can’t i do it?” it didn’t always used to be that way. i used to be sad. but now i’m jealous and envious. which tells me that now suicide is something my own mind now desires greatly. which speaks even louder. i mean if my own mind wants to be dead, why should i not appease it… give my mind peace. i feel so alone and helpless. every […]
i can’t run anymore. i’m so tired. maybe its just tike to let the darkness have me. there is no light. if there was, then it gave up on me a long time ago. maybe its time for me to do the same. there is nothing for me here in this life. i believe that Life is all their is. and then the nothingness that comes next. i’ve tried so hard to make my life a content one. but i always fail. fate intervenes. knocks me down.
i just have no desire to live anymore. and i just keep thinking of how much easier it would […]
i was supposed to be spending the holidays with Charlie this year. or at least i thought i was going to. and it was going to be the first time i might’ve been happy during this time. but no of course not. just as always and expected, FATE had to step in, like he always does. it had to rip from me the first ever true love from me. and then leave me to rot. and now I’ve been condemned to a life i was trying to escape finally.
so i’m seriously considering doing this year. I’ll just get into a nice hot and relaxing tub […]