I don’t believe in god or an afterlife. makes me regret all the things i haven’t done yet in life. The finality of it all. Unfortunately the list of problems that require a permanent solution stack up faster and faster. Makes me realize I can’t check out till i put some shit in order first. Well I at least have to try and slow down this crash. The holidays just make it worse. Watching my family this Christmas was like watching an ant hill before you stomp on it. They have no idea…They go about their lives oblivious and “uncaring” Â well more like hopefully bullshitting […]
I’ve been fantasizing about my suicide for years. Up until today I just felt a lot of relief and peace from the thought. Now for the first time i feel a little panic and fear about dying. I feel like im hanging from a breaking thread hanging over a cliff it’s been “fun” till  now well maybe not fun exhilarating maybe like driving too fast. Now my inevitable suicide is close. I wish things had been different. I don’t want to die…suicide is the last resort. This fast drive has been “fun” till now. It’s finally set in just how  fast the brick wall is […]
So my boss just screwed me again today. Says no work for 3 weeks. I’ve been working overtime. Why no work. I have no car, no license. I’m unemployable. This shit gig is the only thing to pay the bills and there are lots from my framed dui charge last year. Thinks I have a bad attitude at work…he puts me down all the time. Hes like mr potter and scrooge make a baby every year around Christmas since his son died. I live a mile from work. They all say the same. Came home from working crying. Mom asked what’s wrong…told her. She […]
I always envied and despised stupid people around me. Why do they get to be happy? Why was I always told being smart is a good thing?? It’s not a good thing. Being smart is a curse. The smarter you are the more socially awkward you are. Especially being a smart kid. Stupid kids become stupid adults and they are the ones that get to enjoy the meaningless pleasantries of life. Being smart sucks. The dumbest stupidest assholes have the most friends and screw like damn bunnies. Why can’t I have 500 friends and screw 24/7…. It’s a curse. being smarter than 9/10 people is […]
I can’t think of a time where i’ve ever been “happy”. I’ve been suicidal for at least 5 years. For at least the last 3 years I fantasize about killing myself every single day. I always wanted to be an astraunaunt. My dream got killed before it could even be chased. There is no future for space. A bunch of rich bastards are destined to quible over the rest of earths resources until we all kill each other over what’s left. I’ve always been pretty smart so it was a hard blow when I really understood that the world isnt fair at all. I think […]
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