i started hallucinating about 4 days ago. Â i also have a voice in my head. i fight with it a lot. it tells me everything it hates about me, about how i don’t deserve to be happy no matter how much i wish i was.. and it hurts. i used to say those things to myself, and now a part of me got cut off and just lives in my head. i’ll have a good time with my friends, and it will tell me not to smile because my smile is ugly. i’ll put makeup on and it will tell me nothing can fix my face. i told my little sister this, and she thinks i’m schizophrenic. lately i have had to beg my family to take me to the therapist. i’ve been short-sleeved for about 2 weeks, and they still don’t see the 45+ cuts on my arm. Â they don’t even bother to try to see through me because they are so blinded by the fact they think i’m perfectly fine. the other day i was crying really hard on the bathroom floor, all i remember is staring into the bathtub and then having the shower curtain tied around my neck. i pulled it off, sat down and started crying again. i just want to be .. ohkay ..
almost every day now, i think about suicide. when i shower, i black out, grab something sharp and just start cutting. i don’t really know why i’m doing it other than my list of disorders. i haven’t cut since 7th grade. i’m in high school now and i started again about a week ago. whether i’m depressed or not when it happens, i do it anyways. everyone except my family can see, i don’t care.. but i just like looking at them. not because i think they look cool or make me cool, it just makes me feel better to know that i tried fighting back. it shows me how strong i am. and once they go away this time, i’ll see how long i can take life before i blow up again. my little sister just started again too.. i need to be a good role model. i want to, it’s just.. hard..
i don’t even know why i’m on here. it’s not like people want to know about me anyways, but ohkay. i’m cat and i turn 15 in november. i’ve been suffering with OCD, depression, anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). the body dysmorphic disorder is the worst because i got homeschooled because of it. i would sit there and stare at myself for hours and cry when i should be getting ready. i would punch myself in the face or wrists and pull my hair or skin. i started out just being constantly late to school, but now i’m so afraid of people seeing me how i see myself. i got bullied growing up, i’m sure everyone has, but i got stabbed and choked until i passed out by people i thought were my friends. i grew up without a dad because he raped my mom, so i know myself as a rape accident. people get mad when i don’t take compliments, but i try to explain i don’t believe them. i honestly hate myself and see myself as one big flaw. i see every little detail in myself only to hope every person in public doesn’t see any of them. i gave up on trying to impress people because i always got thrown down. now every word they said infected my brain and it’s all true to me. i beat myself up inside and out so other people don’t have to. i actually made a date to shoot myself in the head, and every time i fight with my family i just want to blurt it out. the only one who really understands what i’m going through is my sister. i am actually holding her life with mine. aside that, my cousin puts me down all the time. telling people bad things about me, telling me what i can or can’t do. i’ve given up so much and i just want to feel like… ohkay at least. i don’t expect happiness because i think it’s a lie, but i just want to be better.