kamidaka

So yeah, if everything goes well, this will probably be my last post, so it’ll be kind of long!

I had a nice dream, I was floating in a night sky filled with small white lights. And I knew it was a dream.

On Monday my mother told me I had executed justice to my own accord and that made me so happy. To be associated with justice is the best gift I could ask for, it makes me even more like him.

I wish I had more time, I wish they didn’t find out I was skipping classes. I had to rush everything, and even though I finished […]

OOOOOOH MY GOOOOOOOD LIKE WTF?!?!

I barely finished everything today and when I was just about to get ready my method my parents fucking WASTED MY TIME.

I RAN OUT OF TIME TODAY AGAIN, I’M SO FUCKING PISSED.

I hate delays so much. Like one day was ok, but TWO?!?!?!?!?!?!

I finished everything today and I was supposed to be happy and have good memories, BUT NO, THEY WILL FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING UNTIL THE END.

FUCK YOU, GOD. IF THIS IS YOUR DOING AND YOU REALLY EXIST FUCK YOU!!! I WON’T HAVE MERCY

Edit: I’m feeling better now, I watched lots of funny videos and enjoyed all the things I did […]

It really sucks I cant do it today, as I predicted I couldn’t finish everything today. I’ve worked so hard, I’m kind of tired, but the day is so short, and the special date will finish soon. And my mother will be here soon, so I can’t do it right now because my meth*d requires time.

It was a good day, I wish it would’ve gone slower so I could comprehend everything fully, but I still got the main idea of what happened.

If I don’t do it today, I’ll do it tomorrow for sure, after all, I just need an hour to finish my last business […]

I’m so scared right now.

I met with a friend today, she said such nice things to me. Thank you. But that’s not the reason I’m doubting.

My father told me he loves me and wants me to study my desired career, and he would give me all his support. So now I’m doubting, and doubt makes me scared. Is this the last attempt of “god” to tie me to this life? I know it’s a trap, things will be bad in the future. Things are really bad now.

I love him, I don’t wanna die, but I don’t wanna live either. I’m scared I won’t have enough time to finish everything […]

Last night I went to a hostel, it was nice. I’ll get a haircut today. I like to wear wigs, so my long hair tends to make things more difficult. I’ll also meet with a friend.

My father doesn’t hate me, even when he was the most affected by my decision. He told me he loves me. I really appreciate it, but I’m far too gone now. I can’t turn back now, not when I’m so close. I’m so sorry, I love him too. I wish things were different.

These last two days I’ll wear two outfits I made myself. I’m so proud, they’re so pretty. I’ll […]

Today I woke up to the sound of my mother breaking my things. Wow, just wow.

If there’s a god he really hates me, I didn’t need them to find out now that I’m so heartbroken over his death. The situation is horrible.

Now my parents won’t be sad when I kill myself, they’ll be happy.

Should I end it today? I have everything ready. But Monday was a special date.

My mother found out what I did, I don’t know how! I was careful! That sneaky b*tch

What am I gonna do, everything will be ready on Monday, why did this happen? I can’t speed this up. Oh dear I’m so scared right now.

Maybe I can negotiate things until Monday, I don’t know. What will she do? What will my father do? Does he know? I’m so scared I dont know what to do.

Well, at least I’m not crying non-stop in the middle of the street. It still hurts though, so much.

People around me are noticing I’m sad, and giving me nice things to eat. I’m grateful, but the pain isn’t going away. Thank you for trying though, I really appreciate it.

They asked me to go back to the place he died to check some things. I don’t think I can do it, just remembering what happened makes my heart ache, if I go back there I’ll crumble.

I’m trying not to think about it, I’m trying to remember just the happy memories.

He had such a beautiful smile.

I knew he was gonna die, I prepared myself for this for like a month. But I’m still crying. But if I hadn’t prepared myself I would be destroyed right now.

We were both so scared, so lonely. It hurts so much. Is death the only thing left for people like him and me?

Open the door please. You’re not dead. You’re not you’re not.

His worst enemy was himself. My worst enemy is myself.

He was brave until the end.

You’re not dead please. Open the door. You’re not. I refuse to believe it you’re not dead you’re not DEAD!!!

WHY

But even if you were still alive, we won’t meet […]

My boss called me, she wants me back, she says she needs me because all the new people don’t make as much work as I do.

But I don’t need money. I’ll die next week. I panicked and told her I would do it. Of course, I can cancel anytime, but why did I accept? I’ll cancel now.

There’s no other option. I have to die. All of my failsafes are gone now. If they find out what I did they’ll keep me alive, but will torture me until I cannot longer think or speak. They’ll not allow me to kill myself, they’ll tie me up and […]

I’m really scared. A lot of things frighten me.

Failure, the end of the story, what lies beyond death, being discovered before I can do it.

I don’t know how to make the fear go away. The asurrance that death gave me is so weak now. Life is still scary and horrible. The things I have to do before dying are scary too. I’m an anxious mess and dear god I’m so good at hiding it.

Today I bought everything I need for my suicide, I’m excited!

Death has never felt so near, so real.

I’ll study everything carefully, I can’t fail.

I’m still a bit sad I’m not gonna see how things will end, and I’m not gonna do some projects I really wanted, but I can’t delay this anymore, the risk of them finding out is so high right now.

I was throwing up a lot, I think I ate something bad. My head was spinning, the pain was unbearable, I wanted to break something.

My mother was only yelling at me, even though I was begging her to help me. She started blaming me of random things. I couldn’t even understand what she was saying.

She hates me so much. Don’t worry, I’ll die soon, and the last memory of me will be your room dyed with my blood.

Happy August 15 everybody!

Today was the day I chose to kill myself to test a myth, but sadly I won’t do it.

I have a huge, beautiful thing to do on the 20. And because of the proximity it had with the day I chose for my death, I decided to postpone it.

I’m kinda sad, I really wanted to be today. But at this point, any date will be fine. I can’t keep this lie going on, they’re going to find out sooner or later.

So, new date: the 28, 29 or 30, probably.

I’m kinda scared and sometimes I don’t want to do it, but I have […]

I think I fixed everything so I can live until Aug. 15.

But failure was so dangerously close at that time.

For now, I can rest.