I have lost the will to live it takes alot to make me smile and hardly anything to upset me. I have no energy anymore have lost intrest in my favirote things. I first started starveing myself around age 16 because i always felt fat, ugly and stupid comared to everyone eles. Ill go a couple days without eating then give in and consume a sick amount of food only to feel horrible afterwards. Food is an enemy i regret every meal i eat.
Self hatred has caused me to cut myself which turned into an everyday vice. Iv developed a blood lust waiting and anticipating seeing blood pour out a fresh wound its like a high stabbing into your own flesh. I hate seeing the scars fade and hate the itchiness of the cuts that hurts me more than the deed its self. I drink as much as possible in each given day drownding myself in alcohol. I drink more calories than i eat. I think of death alot im not afraid to die im just waiting to see if things get better. Iv come close before everyone was out of the house for a couple days and i swallowed a cocktail of pills and booze got light headed and slept for 24 hours and woke up angry with a headache and the spins i never told anyone.
My friends and family dont see the extent of my suffering they see tiny cuts peek out of clothing and get mad but they will never see the hundreds of scars on my thighs, shoulders, chest and stomach. I have a sick mind everyday i think about hurting myself and dying. At age 19 i have nothing to show for myself but scars,broken dreams and a tormenting past i am a failure. My birthday is on New Years and if things dont turn around i plan on killing myself that day.