I am destined to destroy myself my darker thoughts may lessen from time to time but they never go away the need for physical pain and inebriation holds me down. For every good day there are thousands of bad ones. Iâ€™ve never done anything good for myself. I convince myself I donâ€™t need to eat today get blackout drunk grab a razorblade or hunting knife and cut myself open and watch the blood pour. I can keep myself busy and not think destructively but when I sit and think for 5 minutes I think about shotguns and razors. No one cares to be around me anymore. The only contact I have with others is picking up drugs and partying. My family has always hated me and been ashamed and embarrassed of me if they could go back and never have me they would. I will never be happy, sociable or successful. I want to get the attention in death that I never got in life. It is enviable one day I will walk far into the woods and blow my brains out and thatâ€™d be the end to this meaningless tormenting life. I donâ€™t know what it is about me that makes me so invisible. Is it my horrid appearance or my overall stupid demeanor and shyness.
Casted out by teachers who donâ€™t want my dumb ass failing and making them look bad and the family that doesnâ€™t want me associated with them. The only affection I get is being yelled at and called stupid ugly and worthless. My mom in particular despises me blames me for her divorce and everything wrong in her life and sheâ€™s right. My dad who emotionally abuses me I know Iâ€™m hideous and sarcastic remarks like “youâ€™ve got a beautiful bodyâ€ donâ€™t help now I canâ€™t even walk from the shower to the closet without fearing someone will see my cut up bloated body. I only see my dad and brother and sister a few random times a year and all they want is my weed and pills. Teachersâ€™ family and classmates see the cuts, scars and burns on my arms and legs they hear me turn down food and know I havenâ€™t eaten in days they know Iâ€™m upset but not one word no one and I mean no one cares. No one has ever told me itâ€™ll be ok or complimented me on anything whatsoever I just want to feel that one person gives a damn about me. I desperately need someone to tell me I matter I made there day itâ€™ll never happen I am worthless. I want to feel loved. Iâ€™m not afraid of dying anymore cutting myself and getting wasted is the only thing that makes me alive. I donâ€™t matter to anyone every day is so dark I fell lost and alone the only thing I look forward to is shots off whiskey and a hand full of pills. I notice how people act harshly towards me and talk to me like an annoyance. I hate people and being around them I canâ€™t function in public I feel paranoid and like trash around all these decent people.
I go to the store a couple times a week to return the 100s of beer cans I drank and it makes me feel like a recluse like a dirty bum, that is my main reason I donâ€™t want to show my face in public because I know Iâ€™m the poorest, fattest, dirtiest and ugliest person in the room. I have to awkwardly position myself hiding my sliced up arm behind my huge body around people. My emptiness didnâ€™t happen overnight it takes years of feeling alone, unimportant and repulsive. I canâ€™t stop hurting myself everyday I need to get wasted and cut myself or I spend the whole day in bed sad hyperventilating and panicking. I feel dumber then everyone nothing I have ever done has taken any thought whatsoever.
I have no achievements no medals nothing to reassure me that I have any skills at all. I get sick to my stomach when I think about the past and present and what horrors the future holds if I stick around. I have attempted suicide a couple times and there wasnâ€™t any loving friends or family by my side when I woke up only ashamed and mad individuals who hate more than ever before. I have swallowed every pill there is Xanax, muscle relaxers, painkillers and sleeping pills but I always wake up. I will not fail again before my 20 birthday I want be 6 feet under I donâ€™t want to live another year being miserable. Iâ€™m not holding out any hope for change things donâ€™t change I have been suicidal since middle school and still am now. Itâ€™s a cycle waking up everyday not wanting to roll out of bed then go to the bathroom catch a glimpse off myself in the mirror and hold back tears try to eat one meal for the day drink till I blackout wake up hostile and depressed take my right hand gripping a razor and go left to right left to right till Iâ€™m satisfied with the bleeding. And I will repeat this cycle till my enviable suicide.