it’s hard to wake up everyday miserable and defeated. Realizing I have another day to face. I lose more and more each day I get worse life gets worse just when I thought I cant get anymore down I find a way. I have to see the very noticeable scars I created on myself and be reminded how broken I am and will always be. There is nothing and I mean nothing good about me inside and out. How can i ever change I cant. I feel hated by everyone I lost the few friends I had. They have better friends without cuts friends that are not fat and stupid.
I have nothing to offer to anyone I am a trash person. Spend days sometimes weeks not leaving My bed I don’t shower I don’t move I sit in darkness and drink do drugs and harm myself with razors. I cant show myself in public I feel everyone is mocking me. Years of self hate and substance abuse has made me insane. I wish I could say I was happy once but I wasnt. Before the drugs and the cutting I always was depressed and anxious. I cant escape this sadness its everyday it’s endless.
I just want to hurt myself or be high, for that short period of time I don’t think of how horrible I actually am. I feel sorry for my family being so disappointed in me and never wanting me. I remember “running away from home” when I was 12 or so and I realy just hid in a closet and heard my dad say to my mom he never wanted me in the first place. And now to try to sleep and be safe till next time I have to rant.