longtimegone

I hate everyone.

When I used to say this to my counselor he would ask, “Who DON’T you hate?”
I could sometimes throw out a name to please him. Usually someone I wasn’t that well-acquainted with…but I’d realize that I was lying, these people were equally annoying, equally self-centered, they ignore me just as much as everyone else.
I only found one true exception. He once posed the question again–“Who DON’T you hate?”–and I responded, “You.” Because he was the only person, in my entire life, that hadn’t neglected me. And even though it was his job to do what he did, it was still the […]

I wish…I wish I weren’t so broken. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me that it’ll all be okay. I don’t really have any positive relationships with adults, because my father is never home and my mother has anger issues and sucks at dealing with the emotions, whether they’re her own or those of other people. I did grow close to my guidance counselor over the last three months, but now that I’ve graduated I don’t really…have anywhere to go. I dunno. The problem is that my friends–the ones my age–are also fucked up beyond all repair. Or, well, that’s not […]

I’ve been clean for over a year, but I want my oxycodone again.

When I had told my counselor that I once did oxy, he said, “You know, oxycodone is known for killing your happy sensors.” I laughed and said, “Yeah, but it’s kind of nice when it feels like you never had any happy sensors in the first place.”

I know that I shouldn’t get myself started with that, but I need a new addiction. I dunno. I keep saying that I want cigarettes, but the problem is that if you smoke, everyone knows. Nobody had any idea that I was on oxy when I did […]

I’m never going to lift myself out of this. I just created a playlist of triggering songs on my iPod. I’m so pathetic…I need someone to save me from myself.

Please let go of me…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZxazB6aSd4

How would a “normal” person get rid of this emptiness? You know, a logical person who chooses “healthy” coping mechanisms. Things that aren’t burning or oxycodone or starving. How to they combat loneliness?

Please shoot me in the fucking head. I want to die. I want to die.

Yesterday was my high school graduation.

At one point after the ceremony my guidance counselor came over and whispered in my ear, “I’m glad you could be here tonight.”

I stepped back, and then made a joke about something completely unrelated.

I dunno. I didn’t feel anything special about yesterday. It was just another day to me. But if I had killed myself on May 4th like I had initially intended, nobody would have even thought about me once yesterday. I dunno.

My arm hurts so badly. I usually burn myself on my legs using a cigarette lighter, but I was just making pancakes and I decided to burn my arm…holy shit, it hurts. And it’s a large surface area, too. It’s only first degree, which is usually fine when it’s on my legs, but because it takes up so much of my arm it hurts worse than it should…
Man, I just wanna die.

A girl from my school jumped in front of a bus today. I’m actually home sick, so I wasn’t there when it happened…but, holy shit.

She’s going to survive, it sounds like, but I question how she found the courage to try, when I’ve been mustering up the courage for the last 10 years…

Yesterday I realized that I have panic attacks when I’m near trains or train tracks…probably due to a combination of factors. The girl who killed herself by train not too long ago…and my own plans to do the same…but I worry that when I find the courage to do it like I want…I’ll […]

I keep holding back, I keep backing out, I keep turning back, I need to stop, I just need to decide, to be or not to be, that is the question.

I want to die so fucking badly…please, please, just make this stop.

I wish I would just DECIDE. If I just made a decision and STUCK TO IT I’d be so much better off. I hate everything, I hate everything.

I want this pain to disappear…

So…how does one go about getting help for suicidal thoughts?

I shouldn’t be breathing anymore, but I am. I shouldn’t be alive anymore, but I am. People continue to inadvertently give me reasons to stay, I say, “I have to stay until after this event, until after I return his book, until after I’ve done that for her…”
But I’ve never found a reason to stay for me. I’ve never decided I would stay because I wanted to. It was always because of my fear of hurting someone else more than necessary…

My date of departure was going to be May 4th, but I realized that something is happening that day that would cause people to notice my absence…so I was going to do it today. Except that I couldn’t. I hate everything.

What do you consider the worst feeling in the world? Personally, I would say loneliness. I have a friend who thinks anger is the worst, though I disagree–I would prefer anger over loneliness, or exhaustion, or even numbness.

But, what would you say is the worst emotion to deal with?

I’m just so lonely. I honestly think that if I had people around, physical people to talk to, not that you guys aren’t great, I would be okay.

Oh my gosh, I know what I’m going to do.

This is a strange feeling. I have been suicidal for so long, I have fantasized and plotted and planned, but nothing was ever possible, there was always a reason for it to fail, always something that would cause me to dismiss it, something that would get in my way, some feeling that would hold me back, doubt, fear, perfectionism, it must be perfect, it must be incapable of failure, I must be incapable of failure.

It will be labeled as a copycat suicide. I don’t care. I know it’ll work now. I know it won’t fail. If […]

I have given myself reasons to stay, reasons to go, reasons to wait, reasons to jump headfirst, but I can’t decide, I can’t pick the direction, I’m so uncertain.

I’m so lonely. I wish I had guidance. I’ve been attempting to seek help, but I don’t meet with my counselor often enough for it to make a difference. I need a friend on the weekends, someone who knows how to distract me and lift me up. That’s all I need, to be honest…someone to take this away…

Yesterday my calculus teacher told me that he’s been worried about me. This confused me a bit, because I don’t […]

I am in so much pain…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, with them, with everyone.

What do I do when I meet with a counselor? I never know what to say. I let him steer the conversation, but the problem is that things don’t really get addressed. Okay, suicidal thoughts. Great. But those don’t go away, and he knows that. I dunno. I dunno what to tell him.

Please tell me why I want to take care of other people but can’t take care of myself?

Please tell me why disgusting people like me get […]

This feeling is strange. This mixture of despair and hopelessness.
It’s always been there, but something is different today.
I feel like I’m losing everything. Like I’m trapped. Like all my efforts are futile.
I always give up one addiction in exchange for another.
Cutting, burning, scratching, burning, anorexia, burning, oxycodone.
Now I’m addicted to food.
I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last year.
I sort of want to go back to burning myself again. No one would notice. Only one person knows I ever did. Screw her. She wouldn’t care if I went back to doing it, anyway.
I dunno. It’s strange. I want […]