Perfection.

Oh my gosh, I know what I’m going to do.

This is a strange feeling. I have been suicidal for so long, I have fantasized and plotted and planned, but nothing was ever possible, there was always a reason for it to fail, always something that would cause me to dismiss it, something that would get in my way, some feeling that would hold me back, doubt, fear, perfectionism, it must be perfect, it must be incapable of failure, I must be incapable of failure.

It will be labeled as a copycat suicide. I don’t care. I know it’ll work now. I know it won’t fail. If it worked for her, it’ll work for me.

A girl in a nearby town was hit by a train a few weeks ago. Strange–I had never considered using that method. I’ve read about other doing it, I’ve considered how it would work, but I never imagined me doing it until after I heard about her. I never fantasized about laying myself down across the tracks until now.

Ever since we moved into this house, I’ve been telling my mom that I hear trains pass by. She didn’t believe me–and for a while I didn’t believe me–but using a combination of resources, I pinned down the source of the sound, far enough for the sound to be faint but close enough to hear it, within driving distance, it’s perfect, it’s perfect.

I found the two stations it connects–I found the two stations on Amtrak. A train ride between them is only about 15 minutes, so I have a good time window of when I can expect them to come, this is so easy, why didn’t I think of this sooner?

The best would be a Wednesday morning, Wednesday May 4th, I’ve decided, it’s perfect, why is this so perfect, why didn’t I consider this sooner? The northbound train departs at 7am, I can get to the intersection by then without even breaking my morning routine, this is so easy, no one will suspect a thing, my heart is pounding, this feels so real.

I want to vomit, this is so perfect, nothing has ever been this perfect, something will go wrong, but I don’t care, it’ll happen, I have to do it, I’ve held back for so long, let me try this once, just let me try once…and please, please, let this be my final try, please don’t let me back out, I’m so tired, exhausted, I want this to end, I hate everything.