lost_soul

I know the reason for my insecurities, my desperation, and my fears. The main cause that everyone else think that they can solve, but in reality only one person can fix. I hear everyone say that you need to say it out loud to make you feel any better about it, but honestly I’m perfectly fine keeping it all to myself and not telling anyone face-to-face.

I don’t need to be loaded on drugs to suppress this fact, I don’t need some person that spent 12 years of their life perfecting the theories to analyze my life and my choices. The only one who can judge […]

for the past couple of months i’ve been feeling heartache. not the conceptual kind, an actual physical pain. I guess my sadness has taken so much of my life that it’s physically hurting me.

is it possible to die of loneliness?

i want to live in a fantasy world. not like w/ mythical creatures. i want to basically live in a movie, because i will know what’s going to happen in the end.

i’ve been living in reality for way too long. i don’t belong here. i belong in dream land.

i went over to the house of this guy i’ve been dating the other day. we started making out and before i knew it, i was thrown on the bed and he was pulling off my clothes. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. he started to fuck me and i kept begging him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. after that he made me run his errands.

after all the shit i already have in my life, this is the final straw. i’m seriously considering to attempt my suicide one more time.

some people are addicted to drugs, some are addicted alcohol, but for a while now I’ve been addicted to porn. It’s a horrible thing to be addicted to, but it’s not really for the watching two people fuck just for the sake of watching them. It’s like how people are so into watching movies to get away from their lives. Except my genre of movie is rated x. I know there’s no real love between those two (which is debatable), but their acting (only the handful that are pretty convincing) makes it look like they care for one another in some way, even if it’s […]

there’s really only one thing I wish for in my life. I just wish that I could make someone’s life better in any way, shape, or form. So far, with pretty much everyone in my life I’ve been a burden. But I will do anything to help someone out, make them feel better, make their lives easier. I would do things not because I wanted to, but rather because I wanted to see that person happy, even if it was for a moment. Yet, the most important person in my life isn’t benefiting from this. I am not happy making everyone else happy. I used […]

*SPOILER ALERT* if you didn’t watch “Black Swan” then go watch it. It’s very well done.

I watched “Black Swan” with my godsiblings over the weekend and although it’s categorized as a Thriller, I was not scared. I was actually surprised about how well the script was written and the performance was by Natalie Portman.

Long story short: it was my life.

Everything she did, was for perfection and approval of everyone. Body issues, constant practicing for perfection, inability to allow your true self free, always doing what others want you to do. Everything she went through, I go through in reality.

It’s not so […]

that’s it. game over. there’s no one left for me, so this year i’m finally going to go through with my new year’s resolution: i’ll get a head start on 2012

my nightmare is that i’m going to die alone. unfortunately, it seems like my life is headed in that direction. the last years of schooling is suppose to be the time when you’ll find your spouse and have that fear disappear, or at least delay that feeling a few more years. I haven’t found mine yet, and I don’t have much time. But I’m not as scared of it anymore; i’m just starting to accept it and start on that cat collection.

i don’t deserve the life i’ve been given. i didn’t do anything to be placed with this incredible family, travel around the world, meet amazing friends, be loved. I shouldn’t be living this life, someone else deserves it more than me. I don’t deserve to get married, have children, grow old and die in peace. I’m nothing but a failure and I can’t do anything right. So why am I here?

there’s only one thing I want in my life: my father to love me.

But I know he doesn’t so there’s no point in living.

my grandma died 2 minutes after I left the room. If only I stayed those couple of minutes, then maybe she would still be here a little longer. Her birthday is in 4 days. we were hoping she was going to stay until then. I even had her birthday present. But now I can’t wish on 11:11 anymore because my wish didn’t come true.

I see so many people around me who live the perfect life. They’re pretty, smart, have everything they want, etc. Some say the same thing about me, but I feel like I’m far from what they envisioned. I’m not pretty, I just realized that I am one of the stupidest people at school, and there’s nothing in my future. I have nothing to really look forward to. Marriage? highly unlikely with my track record. I can’t have children because I’m infertile. So what else is there to live for?

whenever I’m in the car driving to location x, I always think about what would happen if I got into a car accident. Would I finally be relieved of this weight that is my body, or would I survive and have to deal with even more shit in my life? I get so tempted to just drive off of the bridge and plunge to my death, my freedom, but I never do. Mainly because the car is brand new and we haven’t paid it off yet. Why let all that money spent go to waste? But whenever I see cliffs I always think about jumping […]

I feel like I’m not really living this life; like I’m just the puppet and someone else is controlling my body. I want to die because that would be the only thing I would have a control over in this life. But I don’t know what will become of the people I leave behind.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I think i’m going to get kicked out of school. I failed my first two midterms in two of my classes and I studied my ass off for days on end for those exams and I still failed. If i don’t get straight As I’m going to get kicked out and I don’t want to be a slave at work anymore. I want to be the boss one day, but in order to do that I need a college degree. It’s been like this ever since last year. I study my ass off for days, […]

I know my time here is coming to a close. and my ultimate goal is not even close to being fulfilled. So in case you don’t hear from me in a while, i bid you farewell. You won’t remember me, but i don’t expect you to. I just wanted to be polite and say adieu.

1. find someone who truly loves me for me and means it when he tells me.

i feel like a reject. No one sees me, no one hears me, no one wants me. I try to get my voice heard, but I’m always overpowered by someone else, usually by those with a stereotype. I don’t fit in, but that’s the trend right now isn’t it? And it’s usually the odd ones that get all the recognition. But even I don’t feel like a part of that group. It’s as if I’m the reject of the rejects.