It’s been 4 years that I wasn’t in a mental institution, I m not hospitalized yet but I know where it is going. I ve been through this it wasn’t the same doctors or nurses or whatever but they are kind of all the same really. No doubt their intentions are good but they see depressed people in only one way on a fucking scale described by the DSM. Don’t get me wrong I wanna get better. Today I woke up suicidal, then ultra motivated, then euphoric, then suicidal again, then paranoid then cynical. And that’s just my average day. I know I’m clinically depressed […]
Lostlullaby
Hi there it’s been a few month. I don’t know even where to begin, it is weird what I am going through right now. I ve been crazy suicidal every fucking night for two weeks now because of my exams , me failing on an academic and social level, not even managing to work my courses and tonight, well I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She told me ‘Maybe you’re not bisexual, maybe you re a lesbian and you went out with guys because you don’t accept it. ” I first answered that being lesbian would be no problem for me butsince […]
What if there was a way to erase your complete existence, so that no one ever remembers you? Would you take it ?
I’m a parasite so I was told as a teenager.
I’m a parasite because I accidentally or intentionally almost died 6 times yet I have no physical sequels.
I’m a parasite because I often OD and yet my body seems to be resistant like a cockroach to a pesticide.
I’m a parasite because I ‘m useless.
I’m a parasite because I need others help to survive and yet I can’t get myself to die.
I’ m a parasite hoping for pest-control, I’m a parasite hoping for cancer because at least I would suffer and die for an “acceptable” reason
So the other day I was saying my day was turning to shit for X or Y stupid reason (as I have a generalized anxiety disorder and I suspect I’m also a borderline I don’t need much to feel that way) and this very catholic girl told me if I wanted to feel great I could go to the Wednesday mass if I wanted. I smiled at her and thank God, we had to return to our work. She was sweet and all and probably, like most people, had no idea on how bad I really felt. Anyway it was not the first time I […]
My life is like this fine looking and good smelling cake that once you put it in your mouth turns into ashes. I have everything and yet nothing. My friends seem to be close but are nice silhouettes whirling far away. My siblings are happy but we get a little bit more estranged everyday. I love and hate my mother maybe because we are a lot alike. I live in a bittersweet life. The bitter part slowly kills me by burning my body from the inside. The sweet part is like a candy to a child or drug to an addict it makes […]