It’s been one month today since I failed to hang myself. Don’t know why I am still trying to survive but I am. Wonder how long this will though. Not been there for a while, hide to avoid ending in the loony bin again so… Told my therapist k kind of freaked out but she has so many clients I can’t see her more than every 2 to 3 weeks. Can’t get proper meds/help so I have to figure things mostly by myself. Figure how to live with flashbacks /dysphoria /generalised anxiety /depression /narcissistic Mum and somehow pass my exams for college. My body and […]
Not suicide related just out of pure curiosity, are you all Americans or do some of you folks live in other countries? I personally come from Europe and English is not my native language (hence my many mistakes?). If you’re not in an English speaking country what language do you speak?
I woke up and cried basically every tear I had just to feel even worse. I m sorry to bother you guys or maybe I’m just saying I m sorry because I need your sympathy to keep whining as if it is my only way to stay alive. I ve been on SP for a few years now and I know something is wrong with me. I ve read a lot of posts with people having BPD and what they described looked a lot like what I have. Never being enough always feeling like my friends will end up hating me and leave me, having […]
So, last Monday and Tuesday I really wanted to die, not just the profound desire to end it I almost always have but never really put through action, but I was already thinking about all the arrangements and going through my suicide protocol. I didn’t do my thing though, and I seeked the help of my friends. Well, I didn’t, my body did. It made me unable to do anything on my own so I am forced to ask for help. My body reacts to my suicide wish by depriving me of some of my basic functions such as walking and speaking. So yeah I […]
It’s been a few months I ve faced weird and unknown pain in my chest, arm and neck. Sometimes my heart beats way to fast, sometimes it just does whatever. Yesterday I just wanted to vomit and I almost choke to death in front of my friends but finally managed to calm down. I ve had panic attacks all my life but this feels very different…with a way bigger capacity to be actually lethal. And I don’t know how to feel about it. Part of me is shit scared because it actually wants to live, and another is like:meh I promised to live through 2019 […]
It is my birthday today or it is supposed to be. I don’t know, the weird, disgusting and disproportionate face that looks at me in the mirror doesn’t seem to be me. Is it some kind of dream? Am I real, am I alive? But I see that little girl dying over and over not long after her birthday. And this little girl was me, wasn’t she? I’m so lost and tired I can’t do anything, I have a dozen exams coming up but nothing seems to matter. I feel half dead like I’m only a walking corpse. Do Zombies celebrate their birthday?
Hi, back on this web site again. Weirdly though, it is the first time ever that I am not suicidal. I am facing a lot of challenges this time of year, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings that my body is decomposing and all those PTSD delights that come with the 16 th anniversary of me being raped . Even greater it happened only shortly after my 6th birthday, so that each birthday brings me close to what happened. Also my family is not helping. My stepfather is a narcissist that likes to remember me that I am a piece of shit and my mom made it clear […]
I don’t feel anything anymore. I’m just tired. I feel like a walking corpse with no purpose. I don’t feel the sadness anymore, I don’t care about anything really. I just now that I made a promise not too die to soon so that my little sister can grow stronger before I commit suicide and gets a chance to have a normal life, but sometimes I wonder if I m not already long dead. If I am not somehow nothing but a burden taking away the precious time of my friends and family. I should be sad, I should feel sorry for the […]
When my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas my mind was so far away from the “Christmas jolly spirit ” I have litteraly zero interest in getting any presents and no energy to play the perfect family scene when nothing is normal. I love them but it’s just too much for me, I m too hurt and I don’t think it is going to be better anytime soon so my honest answer to the question is “all I want for Christmas is a lethal dose of morphine.”
So I’m seriously considering dying in a few months. Why in a few months ? Because I have amazing friends and I want to thank them for being so great by spending quality time together. The problem? They know about my depression and how suicidal I can get so they worry about me. I don’t want them to feel guilty if I die. So I want it to be unpredictable,this will mean lying about my mental state lying about wanting to stay alive. I don’t know if it is going to be easier for them, nor if lying is the morally okay way to leave […]