lovedOnce

Yesterday i tried kill myself. i took a bunch of sleeping pills and went to sleep. the only hope i had was never wake up again.

Unfortunately, this morning i woke up with my dad bashing the door saying as late for work. when i up the door, even if i was a little groggy i saw that my daddy was really desperated and had started to cry.

I feel sad about him, he is a really good father and tries his best, but i wont wont be able to continue.

next time i try i know that the pills aren’t enough, ill ill  to cut my wrists […]

I cut myself today. Sometimes it’s just impossible to handle. I feel the need to cut, it is growing and I don’t want only cut my ties. I want cut my army, my wrist, my face…. I want destroy me, send to a place where nobody will ever find. I’m sic of myself, I’m sic of this world. I hate the idea of being alive. I hate being forced to be alive. I hate everything.
I know this feeling is growing and will grow until I can’t handle it anymore. Then I’ll die. I’ll kill myself.

I just wrote my suicidal letter. It’s the first time I wrote it in a paper and kept it. This one I probably going to use.

Now I’m really feeling the end.

It’s just increasing. I don’t think I can continue for much longer. Everyday I think in ways of how killing myself, the methods, what I’m going to wear, where I’m going to do it.

Today I was writing the letter I’m left to them. I don’t think I’ll explain everything, because definitely they won’t understand.

I have suicidal thoughts everyday. When I wake up is the first thing that comes to my mind. I wish I could talk to someone about it, but I believe if I do, my life will get 1000x worse. The first time I try kill myself, my “life” got worse. The way […]

Everyday it gets harder and harder to continue alive. The voices in my head are screaming to kill myself and I don’t no how long I can’t take it.

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow but I’m gonna kill myself.

I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.I hate be alive.

Everyday I have the idea, I feel this despair and it’s difficult to hide.

I feel the to end with everything. The nonsense of killing myself is turning to be reasonable. I don’t like to live, I don’t like feel the pain, the loneliness. My friends are gone, the love of my life is gone. The only thing I do now is work. I work 15h-16h a day, seven days a week. Not because my work needs me, but because I need work.

I’m afraid to die. I wish I had made different choices. I wish I have never tell you that I was in love. If have […]

She never liked me, but I always thought that maybe she some day would. Three years ago I tried kill myself, because the pain was too much. Because once she said that she doesn’t like me, I never felt so empty. I never stopped think about her, I thought that I could change and became someone that she would like.

Now I feel this hole inside of me. It’s just getting bigger and bigger. Now she has a boyfriend, so I don’t see a reason to continue.

The idea of dying calms me down, because that’s what you feel when you don’t need care about the next day. And that’s the only thing I want. I don’t want die to go to hell or heaven or even another place that people believe. I want die to cease my existence, to cease the pain, go to the void. 

Life is just pain. If you stop and think, you will see that! We pass 90% of our time desiring our 10% of happiness. So 90% of the time we are in deep shit. And then people ask why I hate leave. Every time is just pain […]

It have been so difficult to continue. Sometimes I just think I’ll lose my mind. I’m lonely and tired of fighting. Recently I had a dream that I have killed myself. I was aware of my family’s pain, but continued repeating to myself that it need be selfish.

I’m scared, because I can’t trust myself anymore.

Have you ever felt like that? That all your power, all your will, was gone. Like if someone stole it and now you are just an empty body. Like when Sam lost his soul in the Lucifer’s cage.

I’m just walking, without a direction. Lost in a sea of blind people. Blind because they don’t see me. I’m just lost and don’t think I can find my way. We were my beacon and that you gone, I’m in the darkness. I’ll die here. No one will know. This pain inside me is thrilling. Bigger and bigger. I can’t handle anymore. I can’t live without you. I’m […]

That’s how I can define myself. Never felt this so deeply. Is like all the goodness of my soul was taken. I’m just a body walking in the street.

I don’t want have friends, I don’t want leave my room. I’m too tired for that.

Different from other times, now I’m calm accepting my death. Now in my mind I’m trying to convince myself that death is ok. I’m not afraid, I’m not anxious to go… I’m just tired of leaving.

Just now I’m 15th floor of some hotel. I just need a step out in the balcony to end of it. Or I can just got to […]

I don’t want be alive anymore. It hurts too much. Everyday, every time I’m thinking in you. I’m thinking how beautiful, how smart you are. How much I used to enjoy spending? time with you. I used spend my days only thinking? how could I make you happy, when I would see you again, what we were going to do together…

Now everything is gone. You don’t talk to me anymore and you probably not even now that I’m alive. It’s just in the past now and is there because I made a poor decision.

For the last 2 years, I’ve been struggling with this. I’ve been […]

Some days are tough than the others. Some days I just want get up, go to the gym and then go to work, as normal person. Some days I don’t want wake up, I just want lie down and forget I exist.

That’s why I cut myself. Not for others to see and think how broken I am. No! I do that because I want to feel the pain, I want hurt so deeply that I’ll remember forever.
I also works in away to make the inside pain go alway. It makes my mind go a little quieter. And it make me, for a moment, not […]

I’m tired… Tired of fighting, tired of waking up every morning and think that the things will be better. Nothing gets better!
I lost my friends, they stop to talk to me after I became this…
I wish I could talk to someone… Someone that would not judge me, that would not say “Stop being sad is simple!”, “Is just not think on her”, “There are so many people who have a real reason to be sad…”, “I don’t have time for sadness”….

I wish I could back on time. Make my friends like me again, make the things right with her… I could show her […]

There was a time that I thought I could be happy. I had the only thing that really matters: you. Don’t get me wrong I never had you, I know that, but at least we could talk, we were friends…

Now everything vanished, there is nothing, no love, no life… You started to hate me and life stop to be important… I

‘m tired, I’ll stop to fight… I’ll die.

There only thing that still matters is you. Is funny how the life became so boring, so annoying after you. The only thing I want, is go back in time and had never tell you that I had those feelings.. I don’t care, I would spent more ten years hiding it. If I could be closer of you and at least imagine that you don’t hate me, I would be OK.
Your hate for me shows me the only thing I know about me: I’m the worst person in your life.

I don’t know how long I can’t take it. I can feel it getting stronger, […]