loveisdifficult

There are so many people out there with big problems and here I am upset about small things like scars. Just looking down to observe them upsets me, thinking people were able to get me down so much. Thinking there could’ve been a better solution to deal with it but instead, it was all my fault I was being judged, taking it out on myself.

lemme take it back so I didn’t make myself, basically, a monster.

Been a while.. because I thought I was done once i started antideppressents.
Apparently, as I’ve come to realise; they don’t even work.
I’ve never wanted to die so much.
Being told to kill myself because I’m ugly and shit, has topped it off.
I dunno what to do.
I’m so mentally tired of the pain.
Pain, pain, go away, come again, never just Fuck off will you!!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt much more..

You can beg and dream,
Cry and scream,
But face the fact,
They’re never coming back.
All the memories, laughs and tears,
Ending in your worst fears.
Going through the photos won’t reverse time,
And if you can relate to the words in this rhyme,
You know the pain, hurt and sorrow that’s felt day by day,
Knowing there is not one fucking way,
To see their face, hear their voice and feel there touch ever again.
All you are able to do is beg and plead,
For that one person you really need..

Your words are forever sketched onto my skin,
They cover me like a blanket,
They mark me and label me.
You may not know the damage that has been done,
But I do.
I’ll never escape the past,
Whatever I do,
Wherever I go,
I’ll carry them on me,
Like a tattoo.

Everyday I feel like shit.
My walls are crumbling.
I’m falling.
I’m worthless.
I can’t be stuffed with anything.
It’s pointless caring.
I’m sick of trying.
Let it end.

I fake my smile, day by day,
I want to stop feeling this way,
I want to stop sitting in silence, trembling and shaking.
I want the beat in my heart to stop the aching.
I breath in deeper than deep,
All I want to do is weep and weep.
My strong shield is cracking and breaking.
I have to quit, and stop my faking.
It’s so painful and hard to stay strong.
I just want to be happy, its been so long.
I’ve lost all hope in this thing called life,
Now all I’m depending on is this half blunt knife.

Another day full of fake smiles, socializing and deep breathes.
I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m physically and mentally tired of breathing.
I’m crying on the inside and I want to break down on the outside.
I’m tired of trying to go about my days smiling and acting happy.
It’s literally tearing me apart..
I just want to take one more breath and let go.

I miss both my friends so much. It feels like a huge part of my heart is gone.
Knowing I’ll never hear their voices or feel their hugs kills me.
It’s hard to imagine life without those two.
I feel like the best thing to do it join them.
I love them so much. <3

Corey Jay Dykes 26/9/1995 – 23/3/13
Lachlan Robert Sloper Bailey 15/5/1994 – 23/3/11

I'll see you soon. <3

Today 23/3/13 was a painful reminder of a close friends death that happened in 2011.
I could not stop crying at the thought of never seeing him again. Not a day goes by without me wondering why I was not there to show support and comfort. I should’ve been there for him. Everyday I feel the pain of his passing.

But today I discovered a new fact.
Yesterday another friend of mine killed himself.
Every tear that is dripping from my eye is painful.
This is breaking my heart, I’m losing everyone.
Two beautiful amazing boys have commited suicide.
Two beautiful loved people have left […]

It’s almost the end.
It’s almost my time to go.
I’ve done all I could.
I’ve lived all I can.
The end is now.
I’ve accomplished all I can.
just a little deeper.
And just a little longer.
And soon I’ll be gone.

I’ve lost the one I loved and it seems stupid but I’m empty and alone. If only he knew I had to.
I kept him away, I kept him safe.
But I need him.
This is scary and I’m doing it alone.
This is to much, soon it will be over.