Commit to suicide and achieve it. I’ve made many failed attempts, either because they didn’t work or I stopped myself. What I can’t understand about myself is, for example, the idea of jumping from a sufficient height; why am I not putting my shoes on right now and make my way to that height. Why am I just thinking about it. Actions speak louder than words after all but I’m physically not doing it.. why.
I wish I was a second.. A second in time. Every second that goes by is gone forever, never to be seen again – not on this day in this month in this year – they’re all gone. To be a second and know that in one second you will disappear without a trace. I just wish a second could go by with me in it and be gone forever..
I have so many life regrets.. I’m only 22 but I regret it all. The way I dealt with everything, all the things I went through, every event and struggle.. I regret it all and I know, I wholeheartedly know that I’ll never get over it until I can go back in time and change it all.. now that’s impossible and it’s a reason why I’m so hopeless because the compilation of events in my life led me to be in the position I am today and i hate it. everything I feel inside stems back from each and every event. I remember and I […]
I’m 22 right now. I wish I could go back to school, so badly. 2001 – 2006 was my school year, I have so many repressed feelings from back then that I can’t let go of and I wish I could go back. Maybe I feel like I haven’t ‘grown up’ enough, not mentally but where I could of visioned myself in life. When I think of my feelings of suicide, it stems back to my school days.. If I had one chance to go back and change it.. It’s the most regrettable time of my life.. I’d give anything to be that 13 year […]
Note to self: What the fuck is your life when you can’t live and you can’t die? What’s it going to take and how long is it going to take? Be practical. Start living your life (hah, right?) or take your life because you’re wasting time and you’re wasting other people time. Stop thinking and start doing. You could be at peace or start building peace – it’s up to you.
I wrote a post yesterday called ‘What am I waiting for?’ (http://suicideproject.org/2013/03/what-am-i-waiting-for-2/) and I now know why. Obvious to say, but I’m scared. I’m scared because I know that to truly end my life will be the most traumatising thing I will ever have been through – I know that sounds weird because surely I want to die so bad that it shouldn’t matter? Well it does matter and I really, truly do want to die, but there’s no easy way out. There is no way I can get hold of a gun or fatal load of pills – which, to me, would make it […]
I feel like I’m in a tug of war between life and death. I’ve given up and now I’m just watching the days go by. What am I waiting for? because I don’t want to live. I want to wake up with a smile on my face, get ready in a good mood, breathe easy and walk happily to my death.. I don’t want to feel fear or guilt or sorrow.
When I think of the countless number of people who have taken their lives since the beginning of man and the men and women who take their lives every year – it makes me […]
Anyone else feel the pressure to take their life? That life has completely stopped and the pressure from life itself and everybody else is building up? That nothing’s going right or it’s moving too slow? That you’re almost at breakpoint, ready to take the plunge and do something you can’t go back on? I do. The hardest part for me is leaving (first move) cause I wouldn’t kill myself where I live currently. I can pack all my belongs into a suitcase – everything. I’d like to do that and dispose of it on my way out. I struggle to pack that suitcase. Survival instinct […]
Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I’ve walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above.
I spend a lot of time wishing I was someone else and I’ve wasted a lot of my life doing so. Sometimes I think of myself but a better version of myself, better looking, more talented, an ideal social and home life. Other times I daydream of myself as a completely different person; wether it’s a sociable gay male living in California or pretty blonde city girl living in London, UK. I constantly see people and think ‘I’d give anything to be you’.
I can’t stop and it scares me because it’s not healthy and I’m afraid that I’m always going to hate who I am.
I […]