I wrote a post yesterday called ‘What am I waiting for?’ (http://suicideproject.org/2013/03/what-am-i-waiting-for-2/) and I now know why. Obvious to say, but I’m scared. I’m scared because I know that to truly end my life will be the most traumatising thing I will ever have been through – I know that sounds weird because surely I want to die so bad that it shouldn’t matter? Well it does matter and I really, truly do want to die, but there’s no easy way out. There is no way I can get hold of a gun or fatal load of pills – which, to me, would make it a lot easier for me to go. For me to take my life, would be a lot more physical and traumatising, before and during – methods that will scare the f#*k out of you. That’s why I’m scared.
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It IS scary. I feel like I’m ~supposed~ to kill myself, but then, why is it so difficult? And the thought of failure/ending up a vegetable is scarier than death.
Survivor instincts are a *****
The pain we feel leads us to a place where we want to kill ourselves while the fear of pain that might precede this death or result from failure keeps from killing ourselves.
And pretty soon our depression revolves around wanting to kill ourselves and not being able to kill ourselves.
Wanting to kill ourselves because we can’t kill ourselves….
So of course nothing changes, we keep breathing which is all the survivor instinct cares about.
@SadBk
It feels like you’re supposed to kill yourself because there is a part of you, perhaps an attitude, thought, belief system… that you’re holding onto that is getting in the way of what you could be and or want to be.
The deep inner you knows this and needs you to let go of this unhelpful attitude or whatever – to let it die so that the new can be born. Letting go is a dying and hurts like hell as it is usually tied up with our ego and sense of self so it is understandable that you feel you want to kill yourself. You just misunderstood the message.
It’s a paradox but keeping you focused on wanting to kill yourself could be the ego protecting itself from having to face what must change – to the ego this feels like dying. Which it actually kind of is. Only the ego should not fear this dying because greater consciousness – resurrection and transformation – always follows.
the ego must learn to trust
Which is why many traditions have created practices that focus on proper/better ego understanding.
The ego likes to thinks it’s “the self†– that it is the I of who I am – when it is actually a part of a whole, the conductor, the facilitator between the body, mind and spirit. The Self it turns out is more than the sum of our parts and has a drive to become. When that drive is hindered change is demanded and change is scary… and if the facilitator is afraid you can see transition is not going to be easy.
@left22 Hmm. I see where you’re coming from. Though sometimes I wonder if I’m just plain lazy. (that would fit under the “worthless” category I like to file myself under)
I keep myself stuck because I want to. It’s comfortable. I went out with a friend last night and didn’t think about it once. Being home, the thoughts return. I’m conditioning myself. I don’t want to be done with it and move on to whatever the next thing is but when people say I’m probably not going to kill myself I have this feeling they’re right…I just hate it because I want this all to mean something. UGH.
@SadBk
I can relate. I’m fine and then when I come home the thoughts return.
It was my own experience I wrote about.
After years of considering suicide I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to do it.
(I became very depressed about it which is just messed up)
Now when the thoughts come I accept them as they are. It’s like being haunted by a ghost that no longer has the power to scare me but it’s still a haunting so t I still need to exorcise them.
I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that I will ever be able to exorcise this ghost as it is now a part of me, a part of my identity even. Time does not always heal sometimes it cements wounds into place.
It’s the questions that get us. Looking for answers, wanting meaning… after 30+ years… I can tell you I don’t think the search is worth it.
Blue pill, red pill the blessed are never asked the question.
@left22 “Time does not always heal sometimes it cements wounds into place.” AGREED. It’s healed me in some ways, and there is a lot of past pain I’ve completely forgotten about now, but there are other things I THOUGHT I healed from in time that I didn’t really. What to do… drill into the cement and try a new method? Maybe. Or find a way to get around it :\