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Soon to be dead.

Stagnation, Of Course

by Matt
written by Matt

Going to use one of those industrial strength zip ties on my hands next time, so even if I want to I won’t be able to save myself.

I am so fucked up.

I’ve hesitated putting anything on here for a couple of days, because I don’t have anything to say anymore.

I wish I didn’t live with people, or at least with people who care so damn much. Checking up on me every hour.

If I was on my own I could spend my last day how I want to. And then the day could wind down to an end and I could just drift off.

So fucking bored […]

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Still Here, for now

by Matt
written by Matt

So yesterday morning I was all ready to go. No fucking around this time. No last messages. No dramatic and theatrical end to my life.

I put the belt around my neck and suspended myself. It hurt, I won’t lie to you. The feeling of blood backing up in your head. Vision went blurry and the music I’d put on sounded all tinny and metallic. My limbs went heavy but I could still move them.

Then I heard it…

The front door opening.

We’re finally having our door fixed because it was broken into a while ago.

It was the contractor coming to finish the job. He knew I was […]

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Last Post

by Matt
written by Matt

Hi guys, how are you? Me? Oh I’m splendid all things considered, thanks for asking.

Enough nonsense.

So this is my last post on here. Or at least the last post I’ll write to you lot on here. I may put something on tomorrow morning.

Wow, what a ride it’s been! I must say, I’ve far preferred the ups to the downs, but you play the hand you’re dealt. I must say I am one for emotional, drawn out and dramatic goodbyes, but I’ll make this mercifully quick.

All of my friends are out at a rugby match tonight, and I should be with them. I was with them […]

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How Far We’ve Come

by Matt
written by Matt

Last day tomorrow.

Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.

I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.

Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.

I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.

Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.

Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.

I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.

And I realize I’m right back where I started.

Fuck.

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Reform, Too Late

by Matt
written by Matt

If you’re a Brit’ like me you’ve probably heard about an overhaul the NHS are planning, if not then I’ll explain.

The national health service are known for being lacking in the treatment of children and young adults with mental health problems in Britain, and as part of a new move there will be a comprehensive overhaul of all the services they provide.

I can’t help but feel this is all too little, too late for some many young people. I’ve suffered for years and found the treatment excellent. What little of it I got, that is. My mum is treated for her anxiety and she saw […]

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In Loving Memory?

by Matt
written by Matt

Thursday.

Thursday 19th March 2015.

“Loving son and brother.”

Someone will call it. Time of death.

Someone will have to make that awful call. Your son is dead.

People will have to tell people.

Some will be sad.

Some will be relieved.

Some won’t know how to feel.

So many things that could go wrong.

Extremely durable leather belt could snap.

Steel bed frame could break.

Lack of oxygen to my brain might not kill me.

Nothing will go wrong.

End of the road.

Home stretch.

No words of persuasion, please.

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by Matt
written by Matt

the person you knew is dead

let go of who i am now but never forget who i was

why won’t you call

any of you

i’m just tired of being forgotten

i’m not doing this to hurt you

but i want you to hurt

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And He Lived… Blah Blah Blah

by Matt
written by Matt

Throughout my life I’ve frequently imagined myself as various characters, versions of my persona with certain traits accentuated. Bravery. Romance. Intelligence. Strength. You name it, I dreamt it. Well, there’s no need to be anyone else anymore, so here’s the concluding paragraphs to the story of my life;

He finished typing on the laptop and slowly exhaled, he was finally done with this life. And that was okay. To his left the belt was already tied around the bedpost. It scared him to look at it, how something so ordinary was about to unravel his entire world. He pressed play on the song and left the […]

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Dirty Little Secrets

by Matt
written by Matt

In time all foul things come forth…

Technically he raped me. The definition of rape is forcing someone to have sexual intercourse against their will. That’s what he did.

I’ve never really told anyone this. I’ve hinted about it to friends, but they were never that interested. I’m ashamed because it isn’t something you ever want to admit. Makes me feel weak.

It was St Patrick’s day last year, he was drunk. I humored him when he came into my room. I even humored him when he wanted to kiss me. But then he took it too far. I said no. He pinned my arms back. I always […]

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Oh Boy…

by Matt
written by Matt

It’ll probably be some time next week. If all goes to plan.

I’m kind of excited, in a dark and twisted kind of way. It makes me feel more at ease knowing it’ll all be over soon.

I remember the last time I did this.

All the planning, all the secrecy. And in the end it came to nothing.

Bought a 300 pill tub of painkillers, took 2 because I had a headache part way through.

Bought 12 pints worth of beer and had one can, which was warm.

Bought a nice strong hemp rope and the beam above me wasn’t strong enough.

In the end I just fished out a razor […]

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Fogged Memories

by Matt
written by Matt

I’m sat in my room right now just singing out loud and it takes me back to every time someone has caught me doing this.

When I’m gone I hope you all think back to these moments

My sister’s reaction would be to turn her music up louder than me.

My brother would complain about wailing cats.

There we those two friends who’d come in and sing with me.

Or the one who’d just smile and dance along.

And the one who wanted to jam and mash up my song with his.

And sure, some would complain and tell me to shut up.

But there were those who’d let me finish and then […]

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Sweet Poetry

by Matt
written by Matt

I was told today that my parents want to take me out for lunch sometime next week.

Well, less of they want me to, more of I have to go with them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less. I hate leaving the house now. Scratch that, I hate leaving my bedroom. It’s pathetic.

Well, if all goes to plan, they won’t be able to take me out, except in some weird Weekend at Bernie’s style escapade.

And of course I’ve added all of this to the cumulative message I will send him. I feel like he needs […]

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And I Heard, As It Were, the Noise of Thunder

by Matt
written by Matt

One of the four beasts saying, Come and See.

and i saw.

Am I the Devil? No, of course not. How self-righteous. How presumptuous. A devil would relish in what I feel. Would strive to increase the agony inside of him. Then he’d share that agony.

I feel like if I keep going I’m going to start sharing.

Not like I haven’t thought about it before.

Maybe that’s what I have to do. Become less of a man. More of a monster.

History remembers monsters.

No one remembers a coward.

 

and i saw, and behold… a pale horse… and his name that sat on him…

 

Death.

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by Matt
written by Matt

I sink into worlds of fantasy, faraway lands where I don’t even exist. Because in these stories the hero is never afflicted, never has any mental ailment, they just persevere and eventually they get the girl, defeat the villain and live happily ever after. This isn’t one of those stories. I’d never get the girl even if I tried. There is no happily ever after. And I’m the villain of this story. Sure you can fight yourself, you can even destroy yourself, but there is no scenario where I come out on top. No version of this where I win. Ultimately I will keep suffering, […]

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Excerpts of a Madman

by Matt
written by Matt

I’ve found myself wanting to post something on here at least once a day. I don’t really have anything to add, nothing happened today so I’m just going to put up one paragraph I’ve just written. I’m writing a cumulative note to any and all of my family, comprising of my thoughts leading up to the big sleep. I want them to understand as much as possible.

Enjoy.

“I don’t really know why I’m writing this paragraph, and there is a high probability I’ll delete it once I’ve finished writing it. You see, I’ve taken to just writing, its cathartic for me, but it’s almost like a […]

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A Quick Question For You All

by Matt
written by Matt

Why do we hurt ourselves?

And I don’t mean in the physically obvious way that so many of us on here have, I mean in an emotional sense.

Why do we persist with people that deep down we know are hurting us, or will eventually hurt us? Sometimes its obvious to us that these people are bad news.

I keep asking myself this question, it’s like there’s two versions of me, the rational side that only manifests for a few seconds every hour, and then the crazy version that is in the drivers seat most of the day.

The rational me will be sat there going, “Don’t speak to […]

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101 Reasons We’re Not Friends Anymore

by Matt
written by Matt

I figured I’d see if there were 101 reasons why we’re no longer friends, trying to counter the other post. Psychiatrist says I need a more balanced view of things, so here goes…

1) Me

2) Physically we’re so different.

3) You said you could never be friends with someone as vile as me. Why did I ever forgive that?

4) You are so comfortable with who you are…

5)… I will never be comfortable with who/ what I am.

6) We argued so much.

7) We’re both childish, me more so.

8) I was in a horrible place in my life when we first met.

9) You remind me too much of him.

10) […]

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If I Had a Time Machine

by Matt
written by Matt

I’d go back to yesterday, when I slipped that noose around my neck but stopped when I heard them coming up the stairs. I’d hold the door shut until I was finished.

I’d go back 6 months and not send that letter to you. I’d remember to lock the front door so they wouldn’t have found me.

I’d go back 12 months and cut a bit deeper with that straight razor. I wouldn’t tell people I needed help, I wouldn’t tell them I was glad I had them, because I never did.

I’d go back 18 months and just tell you to fuck off. Maybe this could have […]

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