Excerpts of a Madman

I’ve found myself wanting to post something on here at least once a day. I don’t really have anything to add, nothing happened today so I’m just going to put up one paragraph I’ve just written. I’m writing a cumulative note to any and all of my family, comprising of my thoughts leading up to the big sleep. I want them to understand as much as possible.

Enjoy.

“I don’t really know why I’m writing this paragraph, and there is a high probability I’ll delete it once I’ve finished writing it. You see, I’ve taken to just writing, its cathartic for me, but it’s almost like a ritual. I’ll write until my heart stops. I want you to understand everything but there isn’t enough time for me to, if I had been typing everyday for the past ten years, it wouldn’t be enough, believe me. I just find myself going through the motions these days, doing the same things over and over, and to be honest, I’m getting used to my rut. I sit for hours at a time replaying key moments in the past year out over and over. I think about every angry word, every time I shouldn’t have held back, every little thing that has pissed me off. But it’s too late in my life for me to find my voice, for me to find my feet and hit the ground running. I lie awake at night, knowing I won’t be able to sleep for hours. My mind won’t let me. It wants to sift through everything. Some days I feel like my brain is actually trying to accomplish something, while my body sits and withers. Maybe it’s looking for a vital piece of information or a forgotten memory that’ll let me return to the life I’ve lost. My key back into Wonderland. So I’ll let it keep plugging away, until I decide no more. I can see peace when I’m gone, no more anxiety or paranoia for any of you. I can see it like a distant ship on the horizon. If I ever got a second chance at this life, I’d hope it’d be on the sea. I always liked the ocean. You see, I’m losing myself in this writing, it serves no purpose and most of the time makes no sense whatsoever, but still my fingers dance over the keyboard, forced into excitement borne of pain. I don’t even know if I’m in pain anymore. Sure, sometimes I get really down, and it feels like there’s a never ending pit inside of me, and everything is falling in from the inside out, but I don’t know if that’s pain. It’s just the absence of everything. Pain. Happiness. Fear. Sadness. Caring. It’s the absence of caring. To be honest, it rarely crosses my mind that I will hurt anyone, and I don’t really care. I get that people think that’s wrong, but it’s the truth. I really don’t care if I ruined your day, or your life. Suck it up. Wasn’t that the advice you all gave to me? Why should I have to do one thing when you get to do another? Do you know what I think about your double standards? Go fuck yourself, that’s what I think. See, I don’t even mean that but it’s like I’m not even typing. Maybe this is the real me coming out, the one who will do anything to achieve something. I have one goal left now, and I’ll be damned if I screw it up again. But then if you’re reading this, then I didn’t screw it up. Anyway, you probably want to read something more coherent. To be honest with you, I think I’m stalling. I wrote the next paragraph a while in advance and its heavy shit. So, brace yourselves.”